I wanted to start off by saying that I hate the holidays. This time of the year is really difficult for me because I have a small family with alot of addictions, abuse, and loss. I lost both of my parents when I was 11 years old, so the holiday season is a harsh reminder of reality. Now that I'm 18, it has become stressful because many of my family members now expect me to step up and buy presents, host family parties, and drop all of my responsibilities to participate in christmas activities. Lately, this has made me stressed out and on edge. To make matters worse, the majority of my family does not understand anxiety and thinks that I just need to "get over it". They think that I'm doing this to myself, which is ridiculous. Who would put themselves through this?
About a month ago, my Dziadzie (grandfather) died. This has caused alot of tension in my family and alot of pressure on me. In my mind, he was the only connection I had to my mother's family, so in a way my family has gotten smaller and smaller. It's very hard going through this when you feel like you don't have anyone.
Any way, I have a family party to go to so I'll probably make another diary post when I get home.
bye guys xx
So back at work after a long weekend.
Tired - as always. Headache - as is often the case (probably tension - shoulders are really tight and sinuses are uncomfortable)
Depersonalisation and Deprealzation are quiet intrusive. This is making my anxiety bad.
Think without them I would be less anxious. Ho hum.
Anyway all things considered things have been worse ; )
Oops missed a couple of days.
Migraine Monday, very busy yesterday.
So today. DP/DR still present. Anxiety probably 7/10.
Normal day - tired as always ;)
Friday morning - should have woken looking forward to the weekend.
Instead woke up wanting to sleep - no change there then ; )
Dizzy with concentration suffering somewhat. I think the dizzyness is a result of the tiredness. Never stumble with it but makes me feel unsteady.
DP/DR at a medium level today.
Still - am at work and have only 6hrs before the weekend starts.;)
So Start of the Mid week day.
Can you sleep too well?
Alarm went off mid dream - still trying to 'wake up'
A little foggy with the usual dp/dr but have been worse.
Tuesday 7th Jan.
Broken sleep last night. Alarm clock went off whilst I was dreaming. Makes me nervous when that happens as it more often than not seems to result in a difficult day.
Feel a little anxious but mainly suffering from the unrealness of dp/dr.
Still...could be worse. Let's see how today goes........
Last night I've dreamt about going to my therapist and in the dream, all of the sudden, I broke down crying and hit the floor and I was screaming and I felt as if I was losing contact with the world. It seemed so real that it's actually making me think if I'm not going crazy because I've already experienced depersonalization by now. I hate having dreams like this.