I wanted to start off by saying that I hate the holidays. This time of the year is really difficult for me because I have a small family with alot of addictions, abuse, and loss. I lost both of my parents when I was 11 years old, so the holiday season is a harsh reminder of reality. Now that I'm 18, it has become stressful because many of my family members now expect me to step up and buy presents, host family parties, and drop all of my responsibilities to participate in christmas activities. Lately, this has made me stressed out and on edge. To make matters worse, the majority of my family does not understand anxiety and thinks that I just need to "get over it". They think that I'm doing this to myself, which is ridiculous. Who would put themselves through this?
About a month ago, my Dziadzie (grandfather) died. This has caused alot of tension in my family and alot of pressure on me. In my mind, he was the only connection I had to my mother's family, so in a way my family has gotten smaller and smaller. It's very hard going through this when you feel like you don't have anyone.
Any way, I have a family party to go to so I'll probably make another diary post when I get home.
bye guys xx
Today I feel positive, really positive. I've taken all of the terrified thoughts and anxious behaviours from last night and turned them around. I feel control and power, i know it wont last forever, because i get tired, or sad, or nervous and it will all come flooding back. But im prepared for that at the moment. Life doesnt seem so bleak. It feels managable. I guess im writing this to remind myself that there are points in time that i do feel okay, and i feel safe. When i start to feel depressed my reality slips away and im left feeling so hurt and vunerable, then i might have suicidal thoughts and although i know i couldnt take my own life, my anxiety kicks in like nobodies business. I know now why thay say anxiety is the cousin to depression. But with all that said, i feel so good about this, and i feel lucky to have been given the opportunity to experience real shit downs and get to learn some really amazing things about myself. I cant promise my next entry wont be tonight when my bed time trigger seems to kick off, but i feel confident in knowing that nothing is ever permanent and life is ever flowing and changing. I've got this.
When I was young I had a hard time finding a reason to exist.
What was my purpose in this world? For what would I live?
When kids ran home, I would sit beneath the stars and wonder, or clean the room because I could not sleep... I would wonder and think.
What really mattered to me? For what did my heart and passion burn for?
I found just two dreams to live for.
It was nothing as fancy as traveling the world or galazy, neither to be famous. For me, the only dreams I settled for became this.
"I wish to make books to inspire change"
My second wish though, it became a hidden desire. I had the idea if I ever came to realize both my dreams, there would be nothing to live for, so I decided to hide it.I had a better chance at writing a book than the other part either way.
But still, it was one of my greatest desires.
It was a sort of love wish... a wish to be loved for who I am, just like I am.
That someone would accept me the way I was, and love me. Love... such a strange thought.
I imagined secretly all the while if anyone could love me? Would anyone be able to.
I have never felt like anyone can love me, but certainly it was a dream of mine.
I hoped some day mr right would pass by me.
Someone I could love, someone who could love me. I mean, imagine someone accepting me for who I was and love me? The rest of the world seems insane to me, but I always hoped, always dreamed that out there, there was someone.
But then again... I am me. Who could ever like me? Who will ever like me?
Friends telling me oppenly they manipulate me and believe they can get anything?
A sister who hates me because she thinks I want things? A family without faith in who I am? Who am I among them? No one.
My datesx have been terrible people, I have no faith in hummans around me because I believed in them... where have this world taken me? I so wanna know what my story can lead up to. If there is a mister right.... I hate being alone, but do anyone ever ask me if I am okay? Do anyone care to check how I am doing? No...
I have been alone so long, I don't knor how it is to be with others.
I prefer if guys hate me, because then, I don't have to deal with eomotions. Emotions... even though I desperately need to feel love, I am sick of being hurt. It's so pointless... so worthless. The worst is knowing there is no one to talk to... no one... there is nothing for me... and it makes me cry. I am alone. :(
I wish I at least had a friend.
If people hadn't been mean to me all the time, I would still be nice with people. I might even have friends. Everyone broke me down, and seriously, I can't forgive it. It have really hurt all this time.
I wanna be what I could have been, and it hurts.
friends have talked behind my back, family, my sister, my father talked shit to us in our faces, so did our mother... what can I say.
I wanna know emotions. I wanna know family. I wanna know love.
My family, friends and all that, nothing I know has anything like that... and it feels lonely.
I really hate it.
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