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Thursday, 16 February 2017 17:55

My struggle with CHANGE

So one of my coworkers (also named Meghan) got invited through her husband's work, to attend one of his student's wedding next year in Ireland. Of course thats an incredible opportunity and, as you can imagine, I was more than jealous. I can't stop thinking about how badly I want to travel. A couple weeks ago I was browsing this amazing website called WorkAway where you can travel almost anywhere in the world where people "host" their house for rent, and the payment is work. It seems like a wonderful program, props to whoever set it up, but it makes me extremely depressed looking through the pictures of houses and areas where people host, because I so terribly want to travel. Just thinking about Meghan going to Ireland makes me sick with dissatisfaction and jealousy.

Kill me! How can I travel? How do I get a job that requires travel? You know, I'd probably be ok just traveling once and then staying there and working there. Maybe I should get into the movies. They go everywhere. Though it makes me nervous thinking about doing that, because I'm bad at making connections with people and thats the biggest way to get jobs in the TV business.

My life is just not exciting and i need CHANGE. Even a freaking boyfriend, idk, I need something. And how long do I have to wait? I'm tired of waiting. What if thats all I end up doing for the next ten years and I never go anywhere or make new friends and nothing changes. I'm terrified of that. I'm terrified that I'm going to be 30, single, still living at home, still at the same job, and worse off than I am today. At least I'm cute and young now, but in ten years I'll be creepy and super excluded from society. Quiet and depressed-- surpressing the years of endless monotony that make my brain go crazy.

My life is going to eat me alive. I know what I like, but I'm not brave enough to break out of my comfort zone to do it. Traveling and job changing and the habits I'm interested in aren't things I can just up and go do. A part of me wants to do it anyways, and another part of me knows I'll never be able to, and yet another part of me accepts that I can't change my life and wants to die so that I don't have to deal with the disappointment of never changing. And this is not just about jobs and careers, its about confidence and change and adventure. If that means anything to me (which it clearly does), you'd think I'd be more than ready and willing to change. I'm scared of the one thing that I need most: change.

Published in Diary
Saturday, 04 February 2017 05:41

At the end of my rope.

When I graduated from High School in 2012, I thought that my life would get a whole lot better. For the most part, it really has. I got the opportunity to be a Radio DJ when I was 17 back in 2011, and two years into being in Radio, I got to interview Kip Winger, who is a guy that I used to idolize as a child. He told me that I gave him the best interview he ever had, and I felt like I had died and went to heaven when he said that to me. Then a year later, another dream came true. I got to interview Mick Foley, Three-Time WWE Champion and Pro Wrestling Legend. Even though the interview didn't really go as I liked it to go, I got to interview a guy that I grew up watching on Monday Night RAW and SmackDown, and a guy who had been to the mountiantop in Pro Wrestling, WWE. Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted to do one thing and one thing only with my life, be in the Pro Wrestling Business, let alone WWE. In 2006, when I was 12, I joined YouTube and a year later, I began doing videos where I gave my opinion on certian things that happened in the Wrestling Business. I became well-known in grade and high school as the guy to go to for everything Pro Wrestling. I was the guy to go to for the inside info, who the champions was, the match outcomes, I was Pro Wrestling. 

 

In 2015, I joined a Classic Rock Station in my Hometown and started my show called Flashback Fridays. It wasn't long before my hometown fell in love with me and my show. I felt like I was on top of the world because I was finally famous, in a small town. Shortly after Flashback Fridays was created, I began to do what I used to do on YouTube, talking Pro Wrestling. I play my music and then before the end of the program, I talk Pro Wrestling News and Rumors and give my opinion on it, like how I did YouTube. The next thing I know, I get a message from a guy that works at the local television station in my hometown. He, like me, is a big Pro Wrestling fan, and he invited me to be on his online Pro Wrestling show to discuss WWE Extreme Rules 2016. I accepted, done the podcast, and felt as though I completed a major step in achieving my lifelong dream. Then, around Thanksgiving Season, it began to get real. 

 

I recieved another message from the guy from the local television station. This time, he invited me to be apart of a new Pro Wrestling Promotion that started in my hometown, and wanted me to commentate wrestling with him. I had to take it in, I couldn't believe it. Finally, after a decade of digging and clawing and dreaming, I had got my foot in the door. I made it. I was scheduled to make my debut on December 10. Five years ago on that date, I made my debut in Radio. It felt right.

 

I arrived at the arena at 11:30 in the morning and helped set up the ring and hand out tickets during a Christmas Parade. I was so happy and excited because I knew I was paying my dues. Then it was showtime. I was told that I would be ringing the bell, announcing the winners/time elapsed in matches, and playing entrance music. I had an issue with one wrestler of 20+ years who talked about me backstage pretty badly because I didn't ring the bell loud enough and because I played his entrance music after he won, even though I was told to play it. Shortly after that incident, I helped take down the ring and the promoter told me to come back. I felt as though everything was working out and I was on my path to being successful in Pro Wrestling. That was until a week or two later, when I had this conversation with the promoter:

 

12/27/2016 12:19AM

Promoter: U need to get your license

Me:That's the truth man, how do I get it? Do I apply online or do I have to fill out a form?

Promoter:Online send u link tomorrow Headed to bed later

Me:Oh okay man that sounds good, talk to you later man. If you watch WWE and was able to catch RAW, let me know what happened on it tomorrow because I couldn't watch it tonight

Promoter:Bro I don't watch that garbage

Me:It's all good man, it's been on a downhill slide for awhile, but they do have some fo the indie guys like Owens, Rollins, and Ambrose. You should watch New Japan when you get the chance, they're the best out there right now

Promoter:Bro litttle advice don't tell anyone u watch it or keep up with actual workers and old timers u meet will have no respect for u

Me:Thanks man, I know that to defiantly be true. There's a lot of people in the business that hates Vince with a passion. He did take down the territories and that was pretty shitty that he done that. I watched a lot of WCW growing up and WCW before 2000 was awesome.

 

Shortly after that conversation, I thought it was pretty strange that he would say that to me. That if I keep up with WWE and if people were to find out that I kept up with it, they would lose respect for me. Which I later found out to be a big lie. Later on that day, I announced to my follwers and friends that a Tag Team in the WWE called American Alpha had became the SmackDown Tag Team Champions. Shortly after I got the word out, I get another message from the promoter, below is the conversation:

 

12/27/2016 9:13PM

 

Promoter:Quit posting WWE posts

Me:Sorry about that man

Promoter:Listen reason is. It has nuttin to do with Vince. But if you're in the business u can no longer act like a fan. The wwe is now full of your peers not. Ppl to idealize. If you at like a fan then be a fan. Get what I mean

Me:Okay, I get what you're saying now. Now that I'm in the business, it's a whole new ballgame and it's a sacred thing. I guess where I've been a fan so long it's hard to forget that I'm in it now. It will pass and I'll adapt to it.

Promoter:Who's the worst nba team

Me:I think right now it's still the 76ers

Me:Yeah it's Philly, they're 7-23

Promoter:Do u think that 12th man on the 76ers bench. Watches and follows lbj. Buys his jersey and tweets about how great he is

Me:He dosen't.

Me:They're all wanting to be better than lbj.

Promoter:Because they are his what I'm the business

Promoter:In

Me:That's right man, just like in wrestling, everybody in sports wants to be the best. A lot will not reach the best, only the ones who have the mentality hunger and drive can make it there

Promoter:Yep. U also need help from old timers. Every time you act like a mark you shit on the old timers. They loose respect for you and won't help u

Me:That is totally the truth. I'm not a mark or a smark by all means. I really fucking love this business. It's what I want to do for the rest of my life. I will never shit on it my man. I know what you mean there. I was friends with a veteran in wrestling, but he passed away six years ago. His name was Jim White, he was the man

Promoter:Yeah I was at his funeral

Promoter:And there's no such thing as a snark

Promoter:Smark

Me:I'm sorry about that. Jim was an awesome guy, I wish I would have got to know him better. The smark thing is a myth?

12/27/2016 11:52PM

 

Promoter:Yep can't be smart to something and be a mark at the same time

Me:I never really thought about that before man

 

Shortly after this conversation, I told a friend of mine that works at another promotion and he was pissed. He couldn't believe that he said that. I then told him that I would be leaving this promotion for the one that he is at and he said that his promoter would be honored to have me. Sadly, I am unable to make it to any of the shows at the other promotion because I am 22 going on 23 with no Driver's Liscense, My mom's truck is a V8 and loves to guzzle gas, and plus my work schedule usually gets overloaded. I talked to another friend of mine that wrestled for 18 years that lives in Indiana and he told me that everything the promoter was saying to me wasn't true because he had been in the locker rooms at shows where former wrestling stars would be at and all the wrestlers would be lined up to shake their hand, and get pictures/autographs. He also told me that if I want to be succesful in this business, to leave the current promotion for the one that my friend works at. So that's what I done. 

 

2017 has already turned into the worst year of my life, and I thought last year was. We're not even a month in and My Dog of 15 years passes away, My Grandfather gets put in the hospital for pneumonia in his right lung, My mother gets sick with a fever, I'm not in good standing with the Classic Rock station that my show is broadcasted at, I'm in danger of being wrote up/fired at work, I haven't dated anyone since I was a Senior in High School and I'm almost 23 and still a virgin, One of my best friends just left work for another job, and now to top it all off, my friend from the other promotion decided to work for the promotion that I was at and took a photo with the promoter that said all those things to me and I know now that I can't and probably will never be able to make it in Pro Wrestling. The dream that I have had since I was a kid might not come true because of that asshole of a promoter. Why would I be directed to bust my ass for a decade just to be told I can't make it anymore? Just to be stopped at a dead end? There has to be something more, but I don't know what. I'm really at the end of my rope now. Everything that could go wrong in my life is going wrong, and now I feel like and I fear that I'll be stuck working my shitty job while everybody else enjoys the fruits of life. I just hope that God can get me out of this deep valley that I'm in, and help me reach the top of the mountian again. 

Published in Diary
Sunday, 17 July 2016 17:21

July 17th, 2016

Today is another day, like most others. I feel so melancholic, and yet I am still laughing and smiling at work, and trying to around my spouse. Little do my coworkers know I feel sick to my stomach, and spent the 1st 20 minutes of my drive to work balling because I didn't want to be a burden any longer. I don't know how to deal with these. I don't really exactly have the benefits coverage to go out and go to a doctor to discuss this, and if I need a prescription I can't afford it right now. I'm also scared a doctor will tell me there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, lose some weight and the depression and anxiety will disappear.

I had a friend explain it very well the other day, based on the Spoons theory. Take 10 pens for example, those represent the mental/emotional/physical capacity I have to complete tasks during the day. Each task/activity costs a pen. Getting out of bed, showering, basic hygeine, getting to work, spending time with my spouse, those all take up pens. When it comes down to it sometimes I forget to do things. 

 

Published in Diary
Friday, 15 July 2016 00:45

Depression Hurts

Today wasn't a full step back but I'm still standing. 

Personally, my biggest problem with depression is how my whole body begins to ache. It's so much harder to deal with feeling down when it feels like your body is working against you. Everytime I go to lie down and get some rest I argue with myself for several minutes to get up again. Once I'm down my body just doesn't want to get back up. 

I'm sure others have this problem and I would love some advice if anyone has any but I'm really just beat. I can't focus, my anxiety is just around the corner and my neck is killing me for no other reason than to be rude. 

Keep your head up, someone out there needs you. Even if you think they don't, you've touched one person in this world and they would miss you if you were gone. 

Much love, 

Kayley 

Published in Diary
Thursday, 14 July 2016 04:56

I Did Better Today

I did better today and I'm proud of that. 

Today I broke my usual funk long enough to do the dishes and clean out our garage. I turned up the music in my living room way too loud, danced like I was a kid again and threw away a lot of garbage that has been just stacking up. 

Since we just recently moved we are still trying to adjust everything now that we have way more room and are in a house. That means I have tons of boxes of just random stuff that I need to go through and the clutter makes my anxiety go through the room. That's why we threw it all in the garage so that I didn't have to see it everyday and I could deal with it when I felt better. Today seemed to be that day, at least for a short time. 

It was ridiculously hot here in Northern California so I took it slow but I do feel accomplished that I was able to get at least a few things done. Hopefully tomorrow will continue on the same path and I will be more comfortable throughout the week. 

I hope everyone is doing well. Keep your head up and remember: They can't eat you. No matter how bad it is, they can't eat you. 

Much love, 

Kayley 

Published in Diary
Wednesday, 13 July 2016 04:51

I'm Unsure About Everything

For the past two days I've truly been struggling. I wait until my husband leaves for work before I start the long process of getting out of bed. I don't shower for several days at a time, I eat only things that don't involve effort to make or clean up, the dishes have been in my sink for three days I think, I only do laundry when there is nothing to wear and even then it makes my chest tighten because I fear what people would think if they saw my house in it's current condition. 

Every morning I lay in bed and think to myself "but what are you doing with your life?" I never have a good answer. I get up and if I have the energy I shower, I usually don't. I take my medication, I guess it helps, when I remember to take it, if I care enough to take it. All day I struggle to focus, the only thing I enjoy doing is making my lists. I make hundreds of lists a week, sometimes about books I want to read, sometimes about the most random things I can think of. It calms me down and doesn't allow me to think. 

Thinking is hard, I wonder what it would be like if anyone really knew how I thought. Unedited. Unfiltered. I've never told anyone the truth about runs through my head. Not that I want to kill people or hurt them or myself for that matter. I just re-think about everything wrong in my life, everything that has been wrong and everything that will be wrong in the future. It cycles like a show on re-run. Never ending. Sometimes it's easier because it's in the background and I can try to ignore it. But it's still there, I can see it out of the corner of my inner eye. 

Several times a day my breath catches and I have to close my eyes. Try so hard not to cry and hyperventalate. Heaven forbid I have to talk to someone on the phone or email someone. It takes all day just to get up the courage to call my parents a couple times a week and even then when the conversation stalls my chest tightens again. 

So what am I supposed to do? I fear every day that I will get called back to work or worse, that I won't be able to return. Then this will be forever. This will be my everyday. Everything I worked for, wanted, dreamed for, out the window because they didn't want to take the five minutes to properly install a machine. That ten seconds. That ten seconds that it took for me to get electrocuted could be the deciding factor of wether or not my husband and I are able to have kids. It could be the deciding factor of us buying a house, moving out of state, going on vacation, me driving out of town. That ten seconds. 

One one thousand. Two one thousand. Three one thousand. Four one thousand. Five one thousand. Six one thousand. Seven one thousand. Eight one thousand. Nine one thousand. Ten one thousand. 

Published in Diary
Tuesday, 17 May 2016 01:47

May 16Th 2016

   Today I had an awful day. I felt like I was in this fog all day and I was so moody. My body felt weak and numb, it felt I was walking around in someone else's skin. I tried talking to mom about it because we are so close but I've come to realize that when it comes to my anxiety and depression she takes the good old "sweep it under the rug" approach. Her thoughts today on my mood were as follows; "Is there something wrong? Are youand your boyfriend fighting? Are you close to that time of the month? Why do you let your phone calls with grandma upset you? You know she has no filter and just says the first thing that pops in her mind. You should be so happy, Matt(my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years) just got back from Italy after being away for four months and you guys are going to Disney World in a few days! Everyone has bad days, you just have to push the feelings aside and carry on. Be on a strong and happy face." It's those last two that get me, if she knew how much I wished I could put on a strong happy face she would never say that and if she knew how irratating it is to hear her say "everyone has bad days." Yes they do but it's so different when your dealing with depression and anxiety. The feelings are over powering and push down on you like a ton of bricks. You get put under this heavy steel blanket and until your mind and body decide it's time to be part of society again, you can't move. It amazes me that a woman who use to work in a psychiatric hospital can still say things like that and push my disorder aside. Growing up I was so depressed and so anxiety ridden I attempted sucide and I never got professional help. Some school counslors here and there but nothing helpful. I don't blame my mom for any of that, she just didn't want to believe that her daughter could be in such a state but I do wish she would handle my really bad days and my panic attacks a little better. I'm a singer so most the time on my good days I'm singing and writing songs and happy. Even on some of my bad days I'm doing 2 out of 3 of those things of those things but on days like today I don't want to do anything. I don't want to talk or move or eat or sing or write. Nothing. Nothing can bring me up and thats what most people don't understand. Yes I am on medicine. Yes it works, I feel better then I did growing up but that doesn't mean days like today just disappear, they just go into hidiing for a litttle while. I'm still just a human being and I need someone 
Published in Diary
Wednesday, 04 May 2016 01:29

The Beauty of Unravling

It feels like starting over, it feels like is an infinite strech of up and downs. It feels like both day and night.

On my worst days, my mind screams, "I want my old life back" and on my best, "I have hope that I will be better than my yesterday"

but like the ocean, it seems like a tired endless motion of tides and waves, drawing in and going back and I find myself laying motionless on the shores as time whips me and pulls me back, my soul crashes against the waves. 

However, I can do all things through christ who strengths me, and my beacon of hope comes through the light I KNOW is within me.

This real picture of joy, endless laughter, joy and love, things that are endowed in me, and more importantly self love which is teaching me, I am not what anyone calls me, I am only me.

 

Hope is an endless strength that looks past the present adversity, but a stretch into the bright yellow sun. 

 

Published in Diary
Friday, 29 April 2016 05:35

Anxiety Stricken

Anxiety hurts. Depression hurts. The worst part about it is you don’t see it coming. When it strikes you have no control. You are left feeling hopeless. You can’t breathe. You suddenly have people around you separating themselves from you. You become an excuse for other people’s behaviors. You become a burden on those who love you. People look down on you. People think you are weak. They don’t see or feel what you are going through. Breathing techniques don’t work. Exercise doesn’t help. Medication makes you foggy. I have no idea how to combat this illness that is within me. I have no idea how to stop hurting those I love. I don’t even realize that I am hurting them. It’s hard to find support. Because being someone of this disorder makes you not trust others. We have been hurt so many times in the past that it makes you feel as if no one can ever understand. The heart palpitations, shortness of breath, screaming, and severe muscle cramps makes it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. When anxiety strikes, it strikes fast and hard making it very difficult to see coming. Identifying your anxiety can prolong an attack, but unfortunately, you can’t stop it. You can only slow it down. It’s hard to put into words as to how these attacks feel. Mainly because I blackout when they happen. Then the next thing you know you have hurt a friend or a loved one because you can’t control yourself… no matter how hard you try. One thought turns into one hundred thoughts… those one hundred thoughts turn into a whirlpool of negativity attempting to bring you into the abyss. The hardest part is to stay above water… to keep pushing. It’s hard because you start to doubt everything around you. You ask yourself why you are even here. What is your purpose? All you seem to do is hurt yourself and others, right? Why do people lash out at me? Why do I lash out at others? Why am I alone when others surround me? So, many questions trigger in your brain. So quickly in fact that you cannot process what is happening. You just break down. Unfortunately, the only way you can seek comfort is by ending it all. The easiest solution seems to be removing yourself from the equation. Your friends and loved ones will seem happier if you are not around. How do you live with something so dark within you? I don’t want to take medication. I don’t want to my loved ones to feel obligated to treat me a certain way. I just want to be normal. I just want to be accepted. I don’t want to be an inconvenience. I want to be someone who is strong enough to help others. I am weak. I am broken. But only because I am having trouble facing my past, and what others have done to me. When you have anxiety, one small issue can trigger a previous emotion or memory causing your whole mental capacity to hone into that one moment. It’s almost impossible to recover from. I’ve had others ask me, “How do you expect me to live with someone like you all my life?” My only answer is I don’t know. I don’t even want to live with myself all of my life. I have nothing to offer. I live in a world held captive by this disease. I just want to be free from the hurt and the pain. I hold it in until I explode. When I explode its at the point of no return. I sometimes wish I could be locked away from the world, and myself. I wish I could find a way to be free…. to accept myself. I feel bad for those around me. I have nothing to offer them but pessimist thoughts and negativity. Only because that’s what I know and how I think. I want to be exposed to a world free from those thoughts. I don’t know if I will ever see this world only because the world I see now involves me. I hurt others. I break down. I hold grudges. I have no friends. I have no support. You don’t see people trying to help unless they know it’s too late. They only do this so they don’t have to go to bed at night feeling guilty about what they could have done differently. I now find myself alone fighting this battle. Fighting for ways to make it go away. Fighting for the moments in life you fear that you will never have. Anxiety hurts to the bone. Unfortunately, depression follows. Depression increases the anxiety and makes the recovery so much more painful. How could you at like this? Who thinks like this? Why is no one helping? Why can’t I stop? What’s wrong with me?  Who will ever love me? Why does no one love me? Why is no one there? It’s simple. They don’t understand. You don’t think normally. You cant no matter how hard you try. So, what’s the point of trying when everyone else has given up on you?

Published in Diary
Wednesday, 26 August 2015 00:06

8/25/15

I really wish that today would be over with. Today my drug-infested uncle starts aggravating my grandfather for money like he always does. Then my granny calls and starts talking about my uncle to my papaw and puts me on speaker when I call him a crackhead. To which he responds "You jump onto me for handouts, but you ask for handouts all the time" I told him that I have a job and that I'm going to be making my own money and then every one of my fucking family members starts taking his side overtop of mine. Even my own mom doesn't even want me to discuss it. They all tell me, "You haven't made you first paycheck" and "He works just like you" At least I'm OFFICIALLY EMPLOYED and not just doing odd jobs. I'm just fucking fed up with everything. Fuck it. 

Published in Diary

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