Monday, 27 October 2014 23:57

Sad

When I was young I had a hard time finding a reason to exist. 

What was my purpose in this world? For what would I live? 

When kids ran home, I would sit beneath the stars and wonder, or clean the room because I could not sleep... I would wonder and think.

What really mattered to me? For what did my heart and passion burn for? 

I found just two dreams to live for. 

It was nothing as fancy as traveling the world or galazy, neither to be famous. For me, the only dreams I settled for became this.

"I wish to make books to inspire change"

My second wish though, it became a hidden desire. I had the idea if I ever came to realize both my dreams, there would be nothing to live for, so I decided to hide it.I had a better chance at writing a book than the other part either way.

 

But still, it was one of my greatest desires. 

It was a sort of love wish... a wish to be loved for who I am, just like I am. 

That someone would accept me the way I was, and love me. Love... such a strange thought. 

I imagined secretly all the while if anyone could love me? Would anyone be able to. 

I have never felt like anyone can love me, but certainly it was a dream of mine. 

I hoped some day mr right would pass by me. 

Someone I could love, someone who could love me. I mean, imagine someone accepting me for who I was and love me? The rest of the world seems insane to me, but I always hoped, always dreamed that out there, there was someone. 

But then again... I am me. Who could ever like me? Who will ever like me?

 

Friends telling me oppenly they manipulate me and believe they can get anything? 

A sister who hates me because she thinks I want things? A family without faith in who I am? Who am I among them? No one. 

 

My datesx have been terrible people, I have no faith in hummans around me because I believed in them... where have this world taken me? I so wanna know what my story can lead up to. If there is a mister right.... I hate being alone, but do anyone ever ask me if I am okay? Do anyone care to check how I am doing? No...

 

I have been alone so long, I don't knor how it is to be with others.

I prefer if guys hate me, because then, I don't have to deal with eomotions. Emotions... even though I desperately need to feel love, I am sick of being hurt. It's so pointless... so worthless. The worst is knowing there is no one to talk to... no one... there is nothing for me... and it makes me cry. I am alone. :(

 

I wish I at least had a friend. 

If people hadn't been mean to me all the time, I would still be nice with people. I might even have friends. Everyone broke me down, and seriously, I can't forgive it. It have really hurt all this time. 

I wanna be what I could have been, and it hurts.

friends have talked behind my back, family, my sister, my father talked shit to us in our faces, so did our mother... what can I say. 

I wanna know emotions. I wanna know family. I wanna know love.

My family, friends and all that, nothing I know has anything like that... and it feels lonely.

I really hate it. 

Lonelines.

Published in Diary
Saturday, 04 October 2014 06:03

My Journey

Hi, my name is Holly. I am seeking out a community of people who understand anxiety. I feel so alone in my condition sometimes. I feel like I am crazy and that I make up everything that is wrong with me, but I am learning that that is not true.

I have been going to doctors very routinely since about the 1st grade (I am a sophomore in college now). For all these years, I have usually been told that nothing is wrong with me. My problems have been breathing issues, stomach issues, acid reflux, neck pain, general body pain, exhaustion, sore throat, exessive mucus, etc. I always felt hopeless and insane. I felt like I was making up my problems and became progressively depressed.

In the 10th grade I became extremely depressed. I was very suicidal and started taking antidepressents. I honestly don't remember much after getting on those pills. All I know is that they stopped my anxiety attacks and they caused me to sit at home and stare at a lot of walls. I think I was working with a bad psychologist at this point in my life. I am trying to get the courage to try anti anxiety pills soon because the anxiety is out of control again.

My current problems include breathing difficulties, extreme stomach pain, inability to eat much, exhaustion, and lots and lots of emotional anxiety issues. After going to 3 specialists, I have been told that nothing is physically wrong with me and that basically all of my medical conditions can be attributed to anxiety. The time has come for me to try anti-anxiety pills because this anxiety is taking over my life.

I am trying to be hopeful that things will get better. I have big dreams. I am an actress and a singer and I want to pursue those passions. I want a family and I want happiness. But anxiety is stopping me from doing all of this. I need a community to be on my side and help me to understand my anxiety. But I am going to have faith that it will get better. I need to have faith that it will get better.

Published in Diary
Thursday, 25 September 2014 22:14

Down

For some reason I've felt down... I don't know. 

I have begun thinking like, I can live without worrying again when I feel like this. It's over. My past. I don't have to feel like I am shitty for all and nothing. Depression might be building me up again. I feel stronger each time somehow. Maybe I don't need to feel sad anymore? I am starting to feel like this is something I can get over. 

I feel like I can do the thing I used to... I remember before when I still felt good. Or before I lost who I was.
I always felt strong, unstopable, honest... yeah... I was maybe just 5-6 years. I had so many dreams, so many wishes. 
Remembering back, I wonder what happen on my path to turn me like this? 

I remember I loved my father at one point, and my siblings, because then... then I was still me. 
No one had torn at who I was yet. I understood violence, and I knew how to stand up for others around then to, because my siblings was treated differently. I was "blue eyed witch" acording to my sister before I was 4, and I saw how she hurt. I couldn't understand how parents could treat children so differently. On television they treated kids differently. When I was on this farm each half year, it was different. I don't know what happen. 
I guess when my parents begun carring for me full time thing went down wrong. 

My father tried to buy us kids. I remember when I rejected his ideas of treating us differently... was it then allowance was removed? we didn't have boundaries or rules, yet we were expected to do grown up stuff? Make our own lunch? breakfeast? hm... I don't understand... 
I am trying to remember a birthday I had... I am trying to recall what was said, why I ended up on my own. Was it my brother telling me it was his day and not mine? Was it the others telling me something else...? I don't recall.. how come I feel lost? How did I lose who I was? My spirit has never wavered yet my voice have... it's not like me to pitty myself like this. Pitty wont give me courage... pitty wont let me live... how can I move forward when I have forgotten how to be myself? 
I feel like I am stuck as long as I can't be myself fully. I have forgotten something wery important between then and now. I don't know what I have forgotten though. 
It's not my hope... my courage and life will is growing each day... maybe it's how I forgot to live? can it be? Or is it my voice? 

I am not sure how I can find myself to get rid of the depression, but I am certain, before dealing with the anxiety, I need to deal with the depression.
Right now, the depression is holding me back from going further ahead with my anxiety... I need to find the root of my anxiety... I feel like I somehow have given up, and I can't accept that. It's not me to give up. Never. I hate the idea that I somehow have given up. How can such a thing be true? My hope is eternal, that I am certain. As long as there is hope, you don't give into something... but certainly, I have accuiered this additude of no hope to survive. I though it was easier to survive without emotions... but it has made it harder. To get past the depression I need to cry, and read my mind when I cry... understand why I cry. I must reflect, I must adapt from merely surviving to actually live. 
It's a strange change. 

I don't know how to regard this yet. 
For that, my mind has frozen... I have needed to breath... I ... I must live. 

I don't understand... my life hasn't been that pitiful has it? I forgot emotions to protect me... but even with emotions I feel distant. I am no one... I don't deserve anything.
I have yet to earn my own place in life, even if I am alive. I am right now just surviving... it's pitiful... I need to live. 

I don't know if anyone understand it, but... probably... here... others feel like me. 
Anxiety, depression... maybe other problems affecting them... 

in my childhood, this feeling would make me wish to die, and perish. 
Now... because I know there is no one to fear, I can live. I need to live. My body feel this confusion because I don't need death, but life. My desire in this state has changed drastically... perhaps this change is the prof I am in change. I desire to live on my own again. 

My spark has started to burn a small flame instead of being glowing coal (imagining how it would look like). 
It's like a tiny, tiny candle within myself, instead of this eternal glowing ball of coal. A small candle, that if I treat it right, it might turn into my eternal sun again. 
When I was a child, I remember how dazzling and pure my flame was. I wasn't afraid... I didn't give in to anything. I did chose to hide my heart to protect my inner sun, but the lack of air... the lack of things to love... it has almost estinguished it on it own... such solditude and loneliness... like I was the only one in the world. 

When I was a teenager, I changed my though. I begun forcing myself to look around me.
I saw other glimmering suns dying around me... others people who suffered. I though how so many people could feel alone, and realized like me none were looking up. 
It was a strange moment to understand that others had this emptiness, that others were crying because of similar reasons. What I made about it was the though I had since childhood.. I need to create a change... my dream always was to change others, to bring hope to them. Somehow make them see the same I have seen, or somehow experience it. As I child I wrote for people to dream. That goal has not changed. 

However... with this depression, my fire died a little. 
Part by part it has grown smaller, thighter in a smaller and smaller chamber. 

...

My point is... I need to find my sun again, that huge force of fire inside me, I must find out how to present it in my life. How to accept I am alive right now instead of surviving. 
I just need to remove the invisible chain right now, the invisible wall I presented around me. The chain I call depression... I feared to believe myself, to trust... everything has rooth in the sadness... so I must assume the role where I solve what created it first. Afterwards, I can take knot after knot out and straigten my life. o_o

... 

yeah...

Published in Diary
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