Sunday, 06 April 2014 00:04

Not feeling great

I'm not feeling good.  My husband is mad at me most of the time if I even open my mouth to speak about almost anything.  I don't feel like speaking anymore and wish I had someone in my life who acts like they love me.  The only time me husband acts nice to me isn't about affection, but when he wants sex.  I don't care who knows this here.  The only way I am treated decently by him since I've been sick and have nothing else to give is if I will put out.  Don't know how the rest of you feel with anxiety and depression, but that's the last thing I'm interested in.  

Published in Diary
Sunday, 06 April 2014 00:04

Not feeling great

I'm not feeling good.  My husband is mad at me most of the time if I even open my mouth to speak about almost anything.  I don't feel like speaking anymore and wish I had someone in my life who acts like they love me.  The only time me husband acts nice to me isn't about affection, but when he wants sex.  I don't care who knows this here.  The only way I am treated decently by him since I've been sick and have nothing else to give is if I will put out.  Don't know how the rest of you feel with anxiety and depression, but that's the last thing I'm interested in.  

Published in Diary
Monday, 17 March 2014 08:48

Hated...

I have notised I believe everyone hate me with all their soul...
I know it isn't true, but I feel like everyone hate me, hate what I do, hate who I am.
It's quite stupid of me to believe it, that everyone would hate me, and that they would feel better if I wasn't around, but I can't help it. I feel like shit... I can't face people when I feel like this... I though I was ready to get over to school again, no one is mean, so why do I feel like this? I feel so alone... I don't think anyone cares about me, and that is a sincere though. People think I play games on my room for a month without eating? Yeah... that's really what I do...
I wish someone could care enough to know I wasn't okay... to get me out... it's hard when you've been like this the whole life, without anyone ever asking questions...
Like, shouldn't parents worry if a child doesn't eat?
Shouldn't friends care if you don't show up for school?
I don't think I've had friends... at any moment during my life... people always told me to shut up and stuff... I can't deal with these emotions....
Right now I'm spinning in this stupid joke of fear... I wanna go to school and do my stuff... but I can't... I feel so hated and despised... I don't get why...
I have tried facing my fears, but it feels like I draw more into myself... maybe I'm having a break down because I was thinking of doing something big next week... having my own art opening...

I've been afraid to do stuff, because I'm afraid of people, but for once I decided to push myself... maybe it's wrong..
Then again, if I bail out, I probably will feel a lot worse... my fear might grow as well... sigh...

Once I wake up, I should get up, take a shower, dress myself, drink and get out and buy myself some food... havent really eaten properly for some days (unless one consider potatochips food). But most of all, I should get to school. If I'm there, I can't really go home and be scared. It'll force me to stay there and do stuff. I might sleep over at the school doing art, because when I do art, I don't feel bad. :(

It's when I'm alone to long it get's really bad... like how I've been alone for days now... :(

Sigh... I must get over this stupid insensible feelings I have. I must stopp thinking everyone hates me... really, how selfish wouldn't it be to think everyone hates you? Then again... I've never really felt like a part of society. People most scares me... females as well as guys, as well as family as well as children... all people freak me out. I've never felt a part of humanity...

I think I'm writing this to get it out of my chest, so maybe when I wake, I'll feel good enough to go outside and do stuff.
Maybe admitting this feeling of belieiving everyone hates me somehow will help... at least it will be a good practice for when I meet a psycholog in real life. Sigh...

Okay... I must try to feel happy, I need happy dreams.
I must gain enough happiness to feel like doing things except barely typing stuff online. o.o
Must gain happiness (think positive)
I must think about good things in myself so I can stop myself from thinking bad... it feels so horrible, but I guess, maybe after sleeping some more, I will feel better.
I did feel like going to school earlier, so maybe I just need some hours and then I'll go.
(swearing to myself to get to school either later today or tomorrow, and then work like hell)

I can do this ^_^
I hope...

Published in Diary
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