Every step i take,
Every move i make,
Just another mistake.
Can't ever do anything right,
Eapecially on my careless dark side,
Everytime i end up in a fight.
Everything that i do,
Everything i go through,
Nothing Changes, Nothing new.
Every choice, every single desiion,
You wont let me live this life i was given,
I still have to live with it, even if i am forgiven,
And even stilli can't forgive myself,
Never has it been easy for myself,
Holding quilt on the book shelf.
And this regret i hold inside,
I can not for get, i can not hide,
I can not hold this shit it my mind!
Is is eating me up, and i am feeling weak.
Devouring from within,But hard to speak,
I feel quilt within an emptiness and so bleak.
every singal step i take,
Every move is just another mistake,
I cannot get out, there is no escape!
I have a bubble that surrounds me. I don’t know when this bubble formed, but I have carried it with me for a very long time. Often, it is solid black and blocks my vision as I follow my life-path, but I walk not knowing where I’m going. Occasionally, words would surface only to disappear again, like a snapping turtle breaking a lake’s surface. ‘Loser’. ‘Worthless’. ‘Unwanted’. ‘Not talented’. ‘Stupid’. As I walk, I can hear people reaching out to me, their voices are bright. I think they are trying to help me. One voice seems to outshine them all. More, positive messages drift across the bubble and the walls become murky-grey and I can kind of see where I am going. I dare to think that maybe all of the negative feedback I have absorbed over the years were false messages and I find myself stepping into unfamiliar territory.
I notice I have partially stepped out of my bubble. What I see scares me, because I can’t quite make it out.
The air and scenery are colorful, but blurry. I watch the colors swirl in front of me, daring to think I could absorb some of it. But, even in the color I can see little bits of grey. On instinct, I focus on those bits, because they are familiar to me. My mind fills with doubt and I duck back into the bubble; its dark walls surround me again. Deep inside, I can feel the darkness press against me and I feel as though I am starting to crawl even though I am still on my feet. Those familiar words appear to me again. This time they seem more intense. My eyes grow heavy. My mind and body feels as though they have become stone and all I can think about is sleeping. That’s all I want to do is sleep. But, something deep inside of me causes me to reach out to the brightest voice, my husband's voice. He tries to reassure me, “You are wanted. You are worth something to me.” His words are only bright enough to lighten the bubble.
Through the murky-grey I can see two paths placed before me: One to the left and one to the right. I’m not sure which way to go. Both paths scare me.
The right path seems to go on forever and is lined with people who have tried to give me positive feedback. Dan stands at the head of the line, which seems to be small. The left path is short enough that I can see my own grave. Only one person stands beside it, but he disappears after a while. I have been here before. Many times. And while I considered the left path, I have always taken the right path. Each time I took this path, I kept the people at a distance so as to keep them from stepping inside my bubble. With a few exceptions, but those few exceptions have only been allowed a peek.
This time, if I take the right path, no more peeking allowed by those outside. If I go right, I’ll just be a burden on people. If I take the left, I’ll be free of myself and people will be free of me. If I go left, I really don’t know what will happen to Dan. If I go right, at least I’ll know. If I go right, I’ll feel like I have to change into something I’m not, or pretend to be something I’m not. ‘Smart’. ‘Talented’. ‘Someone with potential’. ‘Someone who has something to offer’.
If I go left, at least I’ll go being true to myself: A no talented loser who doesn’t deserve life. Because that is what I am.
But, is that who I want to be for the rest of my life?
The easy way out is to the left, but there may be more help for me along the right path. So, take the easy way out or swallow my pride and my fears and seek out more help? I could also just stay at this fork in the road, but that won’t get me anywhere.
About a year ago I was diagnosed with anxiety / depression but I guess the anxiety hit me harder due to it being a constant thing in my life and never going away. Anyway, I went to see an anxiety specialist who talked through everything with me and made everything crystal clear. He told me what kind of anxiety I had and how I could deal with it then I started taking anti anxiety medication and that helped, quite a lot aswell but now I'm off the medication and I'm just about coping, I used to get close to breaking point with both my depression and my anxiety. My depression had me crying while trying to sleep, and my anxiety had me constantly worrying and not being able to basically leave the house for fear of anything and everything.
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