Thursday, 25 September 2014 22:14

Down

For some reason I've felt down... I don't know. 

I have begun thinking like, I can live without worrying again when I feel like this. It's over. My past. I don't have to feel like I am shitty for all and nothing. Depression might be building me up again. I feel stronger each time somehow. Maybe I don't need to feel sad anymore? I am starting to feel like this is something I can get over. 

I feel like I can do the thing I used to... I remember before when I still felt good. Or before I lost who I was.
I always felt strong, unstopable, honest... yeah... I was maybe just 5-6 years. I had so many dreams, so many wishes. 
Remembering back, I wonder what happen on my path to turn me like this? 

I remember I loved my father at one point, and my siblings, because then... then I was still me. 
No one had torn at who I was yet. I understood violence, and I knew how to stand up for others around then to, because my siblings was treated differently. I was "blue eyed witch" acording to my sister before I was 4, and I saw how she hurt. I couldn't understand how parents could treat children so differently. On television they treated kids differently. When I was on this farm each half year, it was different. I don't know what happen. 
I guess when my parents begun carring for me full time thing went down wrong. 

My father tried to buy us kids. I remember when I rejected his ideas of treating us differently... was it then allowance was removed? we didn't have boundaries or rules, yet we were expected to do grown up stuff? Make our own lunch? breakfeast? hm... I don't understand... 
I am trying to remember a birthday I had... I am trying to recall what was said, why I ended up on my own. Was it my brother telling me it was his day and not mine? Was it the others telling me something else...? I don't recall.. how come I feel lost? How did I lose who I was? My spirit has never wavered yet my voice have... it's not like me to pitty myself like this. Pitty wont give me courage... pitty wont let me live... how can I move forward when I have forgotten how to be myself? 
I feel like I am stuck as long as I can't be myself fully. I have forgotten something wery important between then and now. I don't know what I have forgotten though. 
It's not my hope... my courage and life will is growing each day... maybe it's how I forgot to live? can it be? Or is it my voice? 

I am not sure how I can find myself to get rid of the depression, but I am certain, before dealing with the anxiety, I need to deal with the depression.
Right now, the depression is holding me back from going further ahead with my anxiety... I need to find the root of my anxiety... I feel like I somehow have given up, and I can't accept that. It's not me to give up. Never. I hate the idea that I somehow have given up. How can such a thing be true? My hope is eternal, that I am certain. As long as there is hope, you don't give into something... but certainly, I have accuiered this additude of no hope to survive. I though it was easier to survive without emotions... but it has made it harder. To get past the depression I need to cry, and read my mind when I cry... understand why I cry. I must reflect, I must adapt from merely surviving to actually live. 
It's a strange change. 

I don't know how to regard this yet. 
For that, my mind has frozen... I have needed to breath... I ... I must live. 

I don't understand... my life hasn't been that pitiful has it? I forgot emotions to protect me... but even with emotions I feel distant. I am no one... I don't deserve anything.
I have yet to earn my own place in life, even if I am alive. I am right now just surviving... it's pitiful... I need to live. 

I don't know if anyone understand it, but... probably... here... others feel like me. 
Anxiety, depression... maybe other problems affecting them... 

in my childhood, this feeling would make me wish to die, and perish. 
Now... because I know there is no one to fear, I can live. I need to live. My body feel this confusion because I don't need death, but life. My desire in this state has changed drastically... perhaps this change is the prof I am in change. I desire to live on my own again. 

My spark has started to burn a small flame instead of being glowing coal (imagining how it would look like). 
It's like a tiny, tiny candle within myself, instead of this eternal glowing ball of coal. A small candle, that if I treat it right, it might turn into my eternal sun again. 
When I was a child, I remember how dazzling and pure my flame was. I wasn't afraid... I didn't give in to anything. I did chose to hide my heart to protect my inner sun, but the lack of air... the lack of things to love... it has almost estinguished it on it own... such solditude and loneliness... like I was the only one in the world. 

When I was a teenager, I changed my though. I begun forcing myself to look around me.
I saw other glimmering suns dying around me... others people who suffered. I though how so many people could feel alone, and realized like me none were looking up. 
It was a strange moment to understand that others had this emptiness, that others were crying because of similar reasons. What I made about it was the though I had since childhood.. I need to create a change... my dream always was to change others, to bring hope to them. Somehow make them see the same I have seen, or somehow experience it. As I child I wrote for people to dream. That goal has not changed. 

However... with this depression, my fire died a little. 
Part by part it has grown smaller, thighter in a smaller and smaller chamber. 

...

My point is... I need to find my sun again, that huge force of fire inside me, I must find out how to present it in my life. How to accept I am alive right now instead of surviving. 
I just need to remove the invisible chain right now, the invisible wall I presented around me. The chain I call depression... I feared to believe myself, to trust... everything has rooth in the sadness... so I must assume the role where I solve what created it first. Afterwards, I can take knot after knot out and straigten my life. o_o

... 

yeah...

Published in Diary
Saturday, 13 September 2014 08:48

Emotions...

So, yesterday I had sorta a breakdown. 
Or in my case a breakthrough. 

When it comes to it, I have had trouble expressing my emotions on so many levels most of my life. 
Yesterday though, I was thinking some things about my past... like the axe episodes. It made me cry. For once I felt more than just a empty hole about it. I actually reacted on a human level (which is rare for me). 

I have a lot of feelings bottled up probably, and I have had trouble expressing them. 
To me it's usualy best to pretend I don't have emotions, but truth is I got emotions. Shocker eh? Maybe not, but for me it was a breakthrough to recall something and cry about it. 
The fear, the anxiety, and crying. 
I was just like washing some cups and was like thinking about the scar above my eye (my father hit me there once and I got into child protection services). o_o
I think this was before I was into the child protection services, the axe episode with my father. o_o
Once when much younger I had a axe incident with my sister as well. 
First about my sister, when I was like 7-8 years old or something my sister told me she would kill me when she got in again. Fearfull I locked all the doors, even my mother couldn't get in. Then I opened the door when they were far enough away, then I went up and looked myself in my and my sisters room (we shared rooms, shocker)... so my sister went up to the room, I think she had a knife or something (she was like 9-10 years or something), and she demanded I opened the door. I refused, she went away and came back with a axe. started hitting at the door. Somehow it was resolved, but not through my parents (parents neglect I suppose). I remember thinking "I must have been crazy sharing room with someone who told me they would kill me". o_o
Then I was thinking about my father, he was angry about me not cleaning their plates from their dinner (we didn't actually eat food together). I used to make my own food and so did everyone else. My parents made food for themselves only so... they didn't clean after themselves and tried to force us to clean. I was the cleanest kid in the house, yet he tried to force me because I was in the house. First I barricaded the stairs and threw stuff if he tried coming up, then I locked myself in my room and blockaded it with my body. He got a axe and was hitting at the door, and I was like... it was scary. o_o

Thinking about these things I begun to cry a little, and I realized... sorta... somewhat... these things really affected me... I calmed myself down, thinking to myself "It's okay. It's fine. I don't live there anymore, I never am going to live there anymore. It's fine to cry." I decided to try to comfort myself like that, because hey... I need to let go of these things and move ahead. It's fine if I cry. I am not liviing like that anymore. I don't have to be afraid like, so... yeah, it's okay to cry. Right? 
I can cry on my own, and I am glad my feelings are begining to show... I feel like I have been frozen in a inhuman way just to get through, but in reality, it has affected my life so much...  even thinking about it now... it's fine to cry... 
It's human... I am human.... 
Even though my friend had violence and drinking parents as a kid, it was nothing compared to how I grew up. I almost lost my life will... I burried my emotions to get by, since I didn't have any friends really or anyone to trust. I just need to learn how to live again. I am not at fault for my childhood. o_o

Accepting that... accepting to cry... accepting my humanity... it's hard to deal with.
I understand why it has become so difficult to look back in my memories... there isn't much that make me happy there. It make me feel like coiling. :'(

My parents... I don't think I can ever face them again. 
Even though I was there this summer, I can't deal with them at all. I get panic, rage and worse anxiety if I ever meet them. I can live with meeting them a few days, but my father I can't deal with for more than some hours (or I get nosebleeds for some reason and a strange headache). o_o

I have been thinking... 

when I moved on my own before I was 20, I was happy even if I didn't get a job. I was trying to awaken myself as a person again, get the stone of my chest to live again. 
But then, I was fooled by my sister to move back to my "parents" until we found our own place to live... can I say it didn't go well. Right after that I begun experiencing sever headaches... I could barely eat, drink, I wasn't able to keep awake. I became frozen to my room... there was nothing around I wanted to deal with. o_o
I guess it is related to my anxiety... I developed migrains as a result of having to deal with them again, and the stress went to my head. Litterlay... o_o

Now I have to deal with migrains until I can find out how to live... it's not the migrains I guess, but the anxiety... If I can deal with the anxiety and move on with my life, I guess my headaches will perish as well. It's just a theory though. o_o


...
I am glad my feelings are starting to show properly again though. This means I am somehow starting to deal with it and reflecting over the wrongness I have been through. It's no wonder I feel depressed some days... Amnesia of my childhood... I hope I can keep it behind until I can live properly again. :'(

When I have learned enough about happy things, maybe I can deal more with the memories... so maybe in a few years, I will be able to remember my childhood again. Anxiety leading to memory loss probably sound weird... but my mind goes blank... some things have become so hard to remember, but I don't mind... I don't mind at all as long as I can live. I just need to get past this social anxiety that has taken a hold in me.

I remember how some of my friends called me strong and a inspiration as a kid, but really... they didn't know how much I suffered. I feel like a wrek right now. It will take a while to build up who I was after living through that. My confidence, my voice... everything really. I never gave in though, but I still feel like many things has been broken in me. Among them my capasity to show emotions. Another part of it is my trust in others... 

I have been alone all my life... 
Really, I wish there had been someone I could trust, maybe it wouldn't have been that bad then. :'(


I don't know how others will react upon this. 
I wonder how people I know would react if I told them this... really... what is my life? It feel so pointless. I got no support around me. I am trying so hard on my own. It's though... I am sick of being alone. sigh... sorry, but I guess sharing this here, make me feel a little better. 

I have been thinking... maybe I can celebrate christmass with my aunt... I don't wanna go to my parents at all.. I feel like I will choke and die if I go there again. My whole body feels turned inside out by the thought... or maybe celebrating christmas on my own would be fine. I just don't wanna go through that anxiety and stress again from my father... I can't deal with him at all.. :'(

Published in Diary
Saturday, 23 August 2014 15:03

The disliker and the disliked.

I haven't written anything in a long time. I like to write but almost never do anymore, because I have everything but shut down in the area of things that make me happy or bring me joy. It must be my way of coping. Pushing away pleasurable things because I feel so overwhelmed and keyed up I feel like I just can't start or do anything. I want to write again, to draw, to create, it is a big part of me. Yet whenever I try it highlights this self loathing process, where I feel like I am so inferior in my ability that I don't even want to do it, which I know is all or nothing thinking but the discomfort from the thought makes me lose my "creative spirit" and I lose interest.  I just think too much period. That is what is ironic about it. The thinking generates the ability to be creative and at the same time thinking too much, being too creative, takes you down this rabbit hole that keeps you from having creativity that benefits you or others in any way. The trick is to be present and accept that I am thinking but at the same time not get trapped by the thinking. To observe the thoughts but not find myself being my thoughts. I really struggle with that. I have to catch myself. I often say I am depressed, but I am not so much depressed as I FEEL depressed. I have emotions that are not happy emotions. The thoughts which are not me trigger emotions which are not me and then I act and the acting is me because it is the choice I make based on those emotions and thoughts. I live in this state of worry that I will upset someone, look bad, be caught in my inability and even though I know all of this is silly and irrelevant I have auto-acted to where I don't often find myself able to identify what exact thought or secondary emotion triggers the entire process. I go through the process every day when I am around people, before during and after conversations and encounters. It eats up all my time. I highly dislike it but I am the disliker and the disliked. I want to change, but the hardest thing to change is yourself. It's easy to change jobs, addresses, and outside encounters. It makes no sense because it's like a computer that has a virus. The operating system keeps doing what it has always done and cannot fix itself, and in a way by doing what it has always done makes the problem worse. Then I scan and clean it up because I am also the user of the computer. I am aware of my cognitive distortions, but I have yet to overcome the phobia, because it's like I do it automatically without thought. Or the thoughts come later when breaking them down doesn't seem to benefit me. I have the overall thoughts beat, I can talk back to them, or be present and not generate them sometimes. The hardest challenges are motivation, thought tolerance, and social interaction. I have it narrowed down to those. At the same time I see a bit of perfectionist in there. At what point will I be happy with myself? I am not a failure, I am actually rediculously sucessful in light of what I overcame in my past. I have made huge strides in my mental health. What will be good enough? I can talk, I absolutely hate and second guess everything that comes out but I get out there and do it. I have a job and noone has fired me yet. What is the gauge I should use for, I am ok enough?  A little unfocused rant but there it is. 

Published in Diary
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