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Sunday, 17 July 2016 17:21

July 17th, 2016

Today is another day, like most others. I feel so melancholic, and yet I am still laughing and smiling at work, and trying to around my spouse. Little do my coworkers know I feel sick to my stomach, and spent the 1st 20 minutes of my drive to work balling because I didn't want to be a burden any longer. I don't know how to deal with these. I don't really exactly have the benefits coverage to go out and go to a doctor to discuss this, and if I need a prescription I can't afford it right now. I'm also scared a doctor will tell me there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, lose some weight and the depression and anxiety will disappear.

I had a friend explain it very well the other day, based on the Spoons theory. Take 10 pens for example, those represent the mental/emotional/physical capacity I have to complete tasks during the day. Each task/activity costs a pen. Getting out of bed, showering, basic hygeine, getting to work, spending time with my spouse, those all take up pens. When it comes down to it sometimes I forget to do things. 

 

Published in Diary
Friday, 15 July 2016 00:45

Depression Hurts

Today wasn't a full step back but I'm still standing. 

Personally, my biggest problem with depression is how my whole body begins to ache. It's so much harder to deal with feeling down when it feels like your body is working against you. Everytime I go to lie down and get some rest I argue with myself for several minutes to get up again. Once I'm down my body just doesn't want to get back up. 

I'm sure others have this problem and I would love some advice if anyone has any but I'm really just beat. I can't focus, my anxiety is just around the corner and my neck is killing me for no other reason than to be rude. 

Keep your head up, someone out there needs you. Even if you think they don't, you've touched one person in this world and they would miss you if you were gone. 

Much love, 

Kayley 

Published in Diary
Thursday, 14 July 2016 04:56

I Did Better Today

I did better today and I'm proud of that. 

Today I broke my usual funk long enough to do the dishes and clean out our garage. I turned up the music in my living room way too loud, danced like I was a kid again and threw away a lot of garbage that has been just stacking up. 

Since we just recently moved we are still trying to adjust everything now that we have way more room and are in a house. That means I have tons of boxes of just random stuff that I need to go through and the clutter makes my anxiety go through the room. That's why we threw it all in the garage so that I didn't have to see it everyday and I could deal with it when I felt better. Today seemed to be that day, at least for a short time. 

It was ridiculously hot here in Northern California so I took it slow but I do feel accomplished that I was able to get at least a few things done. Hopefully tomorrow will continue on the same path and I will be more comfortable throughout the week. 

I hope everyone is doing well. Keep your head up and remember: They can't eat you. No matter how bad it is, they can't eat you. 

Much love, 

Kayley 

Published in Diary
Wednesday, 13 July 2016 04:51

I'm Unsure About Everything

For the past two days I've truly been struggling. I wait until my husband leaves for work before I start the long process of getting out of bed. I don't shower for several days at a time, I eat only things that don't involve effort to make or clean up, the dishes have been in my sink for three days I think, I only do laundry when there is nothing to wear and even then it makes my chest tighten because I fear what people would think if they saw my house in it's current condition. 

Every morning I lay in bed and think to myself "but what are you doing with your life?" I never have a good answer. I get up and if I have the energy I shower, I usually don't. I take my medication, I guess it helps, when I remember to take it, if I care enough to take it. All day I struggle to focus, the only thing I enjoy doing is making my lists. I make hundreds of lists a week, sometimes about books I want to read, sometimes about the most random things I can think of. It calms me down and doesn't allow me to think. 

Thinking is hard, I wonder what it would be like if anyone really knew how I thought. Unedited. Unfiltered. I've never told anyone the truth about runs through my head. Not that I want to kill people or hurt them or myself for that matter. I just re-think about everything wrong in my life, everything that has been wrong and everything that will be wrong in the future. It cycles like a show on re-run. Never ending. Sometimes it's easier because it's in the background and I can try to ignore it. But it's still there, I can see it out of the corner of my inner eye. 

Several times a day my breath catches and I have to close my eyes. Try so hard not to cry and hyperventalate. Heaven forbid I have to talk to someone on the phone or email someone. It takes all day just to get up the courage to call my parents a couple times a week and even then when the conversation stalls my chest tightens again. 

So what am I supposed to do? I fear every day that I will get called back to work or worse, that I won't be able to return. Then this will be forever. This will be my everyday. Everything I worked for, wanted, dreamed for, out the window because they didn't want to take the five minutes to properly install a machine. That ten seconds. That ten seconds that it took for me to get electrocuted could be the deciding factor of wether or not my husband and I are able to have kids. It could be the deciding factor of us buying a house, moving out of state, going on vacation, me driving out of town. That ten seconds. 

One one thousand. Two one thousand. Three one thousand. Four one thousand. Five one thousand. Six one thousand. Seven one thousand. Eight one thousand. Nine one thousand. Ten one thousand. 

Published in Diary
Tuesday, 17 May 2016 01:47

May 16Th 2016

   Today I had an awful day. I felt like I was in this fog all day and I was so moody. My body felt weak and numb, it felt I was walking around in someone else's skin. I tried talking to mom about it because we are so close but I've come to realize that when it comes to my anxiety and depression she takes the good old "sweep it under the rug" approach. Her thoughts today on my mood were as follows; "Is there something wrong? Are youand your boyfriend fighting? Are you close to that time of the month? Why do you let your phone calls with grandma upset you? You know she has no filter and just says the first thing that pops in her mind. You should be so happy, Matt(my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years) just got back from Italy after being away for four months and you guys are going to Disney World in a few days! Everyone has bad days, you just have to push the feelings aside and carry on. Be on a strong and happy face." It's those last two that get me, if she knew how much I wished I could put on a strong happy face she would never say that and if she knew how irratating it is to hear her say "everyone has bad days." Yes they do but it's so different when your dealing with depression and anxiety. The feelings are over powering and push down on you like a ton of bricks. You get put under this heavy steel blanket and until your mind and body decide it's time to be part of society again, you can't move. It amazes me that a woman who use to work in a psychiatric hospital can still say things like that and push my disorder aside. Growing up I was so depressed and so anxiety ridden I attempted sucide and I never got professional help. Some school counslors here and there but nothing helpful. I don't blame my mom for any of that, she just didn't want to believe that her daughter could be in such a state but I do wish she would handle my really bad days and my panic attacks a little better. I'm a singer so most the time on my good days I'm singing and writing songs and happy. Even on some of my bad days I'm doing 2 out of 3 of those things of those things but on days like today I don't want to do anything. I don't want to talk or move or eat or sing or write. Nothing. Nothing can bring me up and thats what most people don't understand. Yes I am on medicine. Yes it works, I feel better then I did growing up but that doesn't mean days like today just disappear, they just go into hidiing for a litttle while. I'm still just a human being and I need someone 
Published in Diary
Wednesday, 04 May 2016 01:29

The Beauty of Unravling

It feels like starting over, it feels like is an infinite strech of up and downs. It feels like both day and night.

On my worst days, my mind screams, "I want my old life back" and on my best, "I have hope that I will be better than my yesterday"

but like the ocean, it seems like a tired endless motion of tides and waves, drawing in and going back and I find myself laying motionless on the shores as time whips me and pulls me back, my soul crashes against the waves. 

However, I can do all things through christ who strengths me, and my beacon of hope comes through the light I KNOW is within me.

This real picture of joy, endless laughter, joy and love, things that are endowed in me, and more importantly self love which is teaching me, I am not what anyone calls me, I am only me.

 

Hope is an endless strength that looks past the present adversity, but a stretch into the bright yellow sun. 

 

Published in Diary
Friday, 29 April 2016 05:35

Anxiety Stricken

Anxiety hurts. Depression hurts. The worst part about it is you don’t see it coming. When it strikes you have no control. You are left feeling hopeless. You can’t breathe. You suddenly have people around you separating themselves from you. You become an excuse for other people’s behaviors. You become a burden on those who love you. People look down on you. People think you are weak. They don’t see or feel what you are going through. Breathing techniques don’t work. Exercise doesn’t help. Medication makes you foggy. I have no idea how to combat this illness that is within me. I have no idea how to stop hurting those I love. I don’t even realize that I am hurting them. It’s hard to find support. Because being someone of this disorder makes you not trust others. We have been hurt so many times in the past that it makes you feel as if no one can ever understand. The heart palpitations, shortness of breath, screaming, and severe muscle cramps makes it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. When anxiety strikes, it strikes fast and hard making it very difficult to see coming. Identifying your anxiety can prolong an attack, but unfortunately, you can’t stop it. You can only slow it down. It’s hard to put into words as to how these attacks feel. Mainly because I blackout when they happen. Then the next thing you know you have hurt a friend or a loved one because you can’t control yourself… no matter how hard you try. One thought turns into one hundred thoughts… those one hundred thoughts turn into a whirlpool of negativity attempting to bring you into the abyss. The hardest part is to stay above water… to keep pushing. It’s hard because you start to doubt everything around you. You ask yourself why you are even here. What is your purpose? All you seem to do is hurt yourself and others, right? Why do people lash out at me? Why do I lash out at others? Why am I alone when others surround me? So, many questions trigger in your brain. So quickly in fact that you cannot process what is happening. You just break down. Unfortunately, the only way you can seek comfort is by ending it all. The easiest solution seems to be removing yourself from the equation. Your friends and loved ones will seem happier if you are not around. How do you live with something so dark within you? I don’t want to take medication. I don’t want to my loved ones to feel obligated to treat me a certain way. I just want to be normal. I just want to be accepted. I don’t want to be an inconvenience. I want to be someone who is strong enough to help others. I am weak. I am broken. But only because I am having trouble facing my past, and what others have done to me. When you have anxiety, one small issue can trigger a previous emotion or memory causing your whole mental capacity to hone into that one moment. It’s almost impossible to recover from. I’ve had others ask me, “How do you expect me to live with someone like you all my life?” My only answer is I don’t know. I don’t even want to live with myself all of my life. I have nothing to offer. I live in a world held captive by this disease. I just want to be free from the hurt and the pain. I hold it in until I explode. When I explode its at the point of no return. I sometimes wish I could be locked away from the world, and myself. I wish I could find a way to be free…. to accept myself. I feel bad for those around me. I have nothing to offer them but pessimist thoughts and negativity. Only because that’s what I know and how I think. I want to be exposed to a world free from those thoughts. I don’t know if I will ever see this world only because the world I see now involves me. I hurt others. I break down. I hold grudges. I have no friends. I have no support. You don’t see people trying to help unless they know it’s too late. They only do this so they don’t have to go to bed at night feeling guilty about what they could have done differently. I now find myself alone fighting this battle. Fighting for ways to make it go away. Fighting for the moments in life you fear that you will never have. Anxiety hurts to the bone. Unfortunately, depression follows. Depression increases the anxiety and makes the recovery so much more painful. How could you at like this? Who thinks like this? Why is no one helping? Why can’t I stop? What’s wrong with me?  Who will ever love me? Why does no one love me? Why is no one there? It’s simple. They don’t understand. You don’t think normally. You cant no matter how hard you try. So, what’s the point of trying when everyone else has given up on you?

Published in Diary
Wednesday, 26 August 2015 00:06

8/25/15

I really wish that today would be over with. Today my drug-infested uncle starts aggravating my grandfather for money like he always does. Then my granny calls and starts talking about my uncle to my papaw and puts me on speaker when I call him a crackhead. To which he responds "You jump onto me for handouts, but you ask for handouts all the time" I told him that I have a job and that I'm going to be making my own money and then every one of my fucking family members starts taking his side overtop of mine. Even my own mom doesn't even want me to discuss it. They all tell me, "You haven't made you first paycheck" and "He works just like you" At least I'm OFFICIALLY EMPLOYED and not just doing odd jobs. I'm just fucking fed up with everything. Fuck it. 

Published in Diary
Saturday, 04 July 2015 04:36

First Day

First day here... Came because I have been experiencing bouts of sadness and extreme worry more and more.... I hate these feelings and I am trying to be happy but sometimes I feel like I cannot.... 

I feel shut off... I feel myself drifting from friends I have had for years... They have their own stress and why should I have them deal with mine? Though I do feel like some of the aftereffects of their stress is taken out on me...which makes me feel worse... I try to help and just get pushed away... I feel my support network...crumbling more... It is confusing

My husband is here but he can only do so much... I will try and work this out... I have to... For the sake and harmony of myself and others, damn it, I NEED TO GET BETTER!!!!! Damn... Now I'm crying again....

Published in Diary
Saturday, 04 July 2015 04:36

First Day

First day here... Came because I have been experiencing bouts of sadness and extreme worry more and more.... I hate these feelings and I am trying to be happy but sometimes I feel like I cannot.... 

I feel shut off... I feel myself drifting from friends I have had for years... They have their own stress and why should I have them deal with mine? Though I do feel like some of the aftereffects of their stress is taken out on me...which makes me feel worse... I try to help and just get pushed away... I feel my support network...crumbling more... It is confusing

My husband is here but he can only do so much... I will try and work this out... I have to... For the sake and harmony of myself and others, damn it, I NEED TO GET BETTER!!!!! Damn... Now I'm crying again....

Published in Diary

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