Thursday, 13 November 2014 09:03

First Entry

Today I feel positive, really positive. I've taken all of the terrified thoughts and anxious behaviours from last night and turned them around. I feel control and power, i know it wont last forever, because i get tired, or sad, or nervous and it will all come flooding back. But im prepared for that at the moment. Life doesnt seem so bleak. It feels managable. I guess im writing this to remind myself that there are points in time that i do feel okay, and i feel safe. When i start to feel depressed my reality slips away and im left feeling so hurt and vunerable, then i might have suicidal thoughts and although i know i couldnt take my own life, my anxiety kicks in like nobodies business. I know now why thay say anxiety is the cousin to depression. But with all that said, i feel so good about this, and i feel lucky to have been given the opportunity to experience real shit downs and get to learn some really amazing things about myself. I cant promise my next entry wont be tonight when my bed time trigger seems to kick off, but i feel confident in knowing that nothing is ever permanent and life is ever flowing and changing. I've got this.

Published in Diary
Monday, 27 October 2014 23:57

Sad

When I was young I had a hard time finding a reason to exist. 

What was my purpose in this world? For what would I live? 

When kids ran home, I would sit beneath the stars and wonder, or clean the room because I could not sleep... I would wonder and think.

What really mattered to me? For what did my heart and passion burn for? 

I found just two dreams to live for. 

It was nothing as fancy as traveling the world or galazy, neither to be famous. For me, the only dreams I settled for became this.

"I wish to make books to inspire change"

My second wish though, it became a hidden desire. I had the idea if I ever came to realize both my dreams, there would be nothing to live for, so I decided to hide it.I had a better chance at writing a book than the other part either way.

 

But still, it was one of my greatest desires. 

It was a sort of love wish... a wish to be loved for who I am, just like I am. 

That someone would accept me the way I was, and love me. Love... such a strange thought. 

I imagined secretly all the while if anyone could love me? Would anyone be able to. 

I have never felt like anyone can love me, but certainly it was a dream of mine. 

I hoped some day mr right would pass by me. 

Someone I could love, someone who could love me. I mean, imagine someone accepting me for who I was and love me? The rest of the world seems insane to me, but I always hoped, always dreamed that out there, there was someone. 

But then again... I am me. Who could ever like me? Who will ever like me?

 

Friends telling me oppenly they manipulate me and believe they can get anything? 

A sister who hates me because she thinks I want things? A family without faith in who I am? Who am I among them? No one. 

 

My datesx have been terrible people, I have no faith in hummans around me because I believed in them... where have this world taken me? I so wanna know what my story can lead up to. If there is a mister right.... I hate being alone, but do anyone ever ask me if I am okay? Do anyone care to check how I am doing? No...

 

I have been alone so long, I don't knor how it is to be with others.

I prefer if guys hate me, because then, I don't have to deal with eomotions. Emotions... even though I desperately need to feel love, I am sick of being hurt. It's so pointless... so worthless. The worst is knowing there is no one to talk to... no one... there is nothing for me... and it makes me cry. I am alone. :(

 

I wish I at least had a friend. 

If people hadn't been mean to me all the time, I would still be nice with people. I might even have friends. Everyone broke me down, and seriously, I can't forgive it. It have really hurt all this time. 

I wanna be what I could have been, and it hurts.

friends have talked behind my back, family, my sister, my father talked shit to us in our faces, so did our mother... what can I say. 

I wanna know emotions. I wanna know family. I wanna know love.

My family, friends and all that, nothing I know has anything like that... and it feels lonely.

I really hate it. 

Lonelines.

Published in Diary
Saturday, 04 October 2014 06:03

My Journey

Hi, my name is Holly. I am seeking out a community of people who understand anxiety. I feel so alone in my condition sometimes. I feel like I am crazy and that I make up everything that is wrong with me, but I am learning that that is not true.

I have been going to doctors very routinely since about the 1st grade (I am a sophomore in college now). For all these years, I have usually been told that nothing is wrong with me. My problems have been breathing issues, stomach issues, acid reflux, neck pain, general body pain, exhaustion, sore throat, exessive mucus, etc. I always felt hopeless and insane. I felt like I was making up my problems and became progressively depressed.

In the 10th grade I became extremely depressed. I was very suicidal and started taking antidepressents. I honestly don't remember much after getting on those pills. All I know is that they stopped my anxiety attacks and they caused me to sit at home and stare at a lot of walls. I think I was working with a bad psychologist at this point in my life. I am trying to get the courage to try anti anxiety pills soon because the anxiety is out of control again.

My current problems include breathing difficulties, extreme stomach pain, inability to eat much, exhaustion, and lots and lots of emotional anxiety issues. After going to 3 specialists, I have been told that nothing is physically wrong with me and that basically all of my medical conditions can be attributed to anxiety. The time has come for me to try anti-anxiety pills because this anxiety is taking over my life.

I am trying to be hopeful that things will get better. I have big dreams. I am an actress and a singer and I want to pursue those passions. I want a family and I want happiness. But anxiety is stopping me from doing all of this. I need a community to be on my side and help me to understand my anxiety. But I am going to have faith that it will get better. I need to have faith that it will get better.

Published in Diary
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