Sunday, 29 March 2015 19:31

Where it all began

I find it easier to type my feelings down then speak face to face. So here is my story...

I suffer from Panic/ anxiety attacks, I also have depression and social anxiety. I don't quite remember why I am having them but I am hoping to start this journey in overcoming these conditions. I don't mind people reading my entry, I just hope it will make others understand and realise they are not on their own. Others suffer in silence without people knowing. Kind of like what I have been doing until this day. I have spent many years with these conditions; It is most likely due to the many situations were I have felt a whole load of stress i.e. Domestic violence, family problems, exams, relationship problems, trusting other people, Going into hospital (Which I absolutely hate) etc. All these situations I have bottled up, and has been tormenting me for years. Things I can't let go of, Things I am embarrassed to speak to someone about. But ever since today, I found this website (Anxiety Social Net). I only started today, but I already feel things have been lifted off my shoulders. Just by talking to a few of you on here. Just like to add I really appreciate the help and advice! Even writing this diary entry now is making me happier, I can speak about my life without anyone judging me. I have said more of here then I have ever said to anyone around me. It's wierd eh!

When I first experienced a panic attack, I was so scared. I was in college at the time, I had no clue what a panic attack was. I felt myself getting really anxious walking down the corridor, so I decided to go into the toilets and try and freshen myself up. But once I entered the toilets; my chest tighten, my breathing got faster, I was going dizzy/ faint like, I couldn't stand, I literally thought I was going to die! I just locked myself in the cubicle, It lasted a good long 5 - 10 minutes. Finally I got my breathe back. I felt so scared, I didn't talk to anyone for the whole day. I felt like I was a lunatic. I didn't want to see the GP, as I thought they would judge me and just throw me some pills. I would like to add, I have never been on pills for my conditions, I don't want the side effects and I don't really want to rely on them either. I want to overcome my conditions naturally, even if it takes me years to grasp the concept of finding a good way to overcome it. During college was when most of the my stress was at its highest, I wasn't sleeping well and most of the stresses listed above were happening at the same time. I didn't make a lot of friends at college (due to my social anxiety), so I didn't have anyone to talk too who would understand what was happening to me. I had a boyfriend at the time, I told him about my troubles and also about my anxiety and panic attacks. He wanted to help at first, as he did care about me. But the only thing was, he did not understand how approach some topics too well (Which frustrated me at the time) and he couldn't understand the way I was feeling. I was being too negative to him. I wished I had stopped now. He was one of the best things that have ever happened in my life. We broke up last year, December 30th. We went out for 4 years. I don't blame him, he deserves someone a lot better than me, someone without all the baggage and negativity.

 

Anyway, back to the panic attacks. I had them alot during college. Now I just have them when I am feeling extremely anxious, scared or stressed about something. The last one I have had was in December back when me and my boyfriend were together. The relationship was going through a rough patch. He brought another girl to ice skating one time and spent the whole time with her. It got me really anxious and stressed (All I got from him was 'Hi how are you doing?', then the conversation was over once I answered). It felt like my heart was being ripped out and I couldn't escape from the hurt. I literally felt my breathing go faster, so I ran into the bathroom and had te attack. I had to leave early, I felt so weak after the attack and I couldn't afford to have another one.

My anxiety and depression has been with my since high school. This is when the family problems started and when I was getting domestic abused. I used to have sleepless nights, and get to school extremely tired and exhausted. I started drinking caffiene in the morning and after school to keep me going through the day. Not a good idea, trust me on this! I got addicted to the caffiene. It took me a while to stop needing to drink it. I used to get into trouble at school because of how short my temper was due to the sleepless nights. I nearly got exspelled from school because of how angry I was getting. That added even more stress on my mind. At this time, my mind was juggling so much and from school to college my mental state went downhill. I was scared to approach people, I was even scared of everyone! I thought whoever walked past me had a knive or was going to beat me up. My anxiety levels were very high. I would isolate myself and sit in my bedroom on my laptop trying to cheer myself up. Also at this time I was suffering from suicidal thoughts (badly) I used to search up the easiest way out, I started walking in the roads, I tried jumping out of my window, I have daydreams of me dying. I literally felt I was insane. (I never ever told my boyfriend about my suicidal thoughts, I didn't need anyone else thinking I was crazy). Luckily, one day while searching for more ways to commit suicide, I clicked on a website giving me a bit of hope and faith that I can get through this, that suicide is not the answer! Thank you to the people who write them websites, you literally saved my life!  

The only times where I liked my college life, was when I travelled to Barcelona and Paris. I felt so free! I left all my anxiety and depression back in the UK. It was great, I actually felt myself again! I had so many compliments from others about how happy I looked. I wish I could go travelling more!

Enough about my condition, I want to end this entry on a good note. I have had help all through those years I have been suffering from my anxiety. Not from a person. Not from a website. But from my horse. Every moment I spend with my horse I treasure. I owe my horse so much for how she has helped me. She is my rock! I know it isn't the same talking to her, as I wouldn't get a response with advice etc. But she was the only soul I could talk to without feeling judged. Now I am at the stage where I need the advice and guidence from others. I want to beat this! and I am hoping this website will help me do this. With all you lovely people out there. There is something to live for. You just need to stay on the ride and find that special thing/person. Good luck everyone, I am always here if any of you want to share experiences or have some advice for me etc. I would really appreciate it.       

Published in Diary
Monday, 23 February 2015 02:31

My Story entry.1

My story is a long one, a story which has defined who I am but also still holding me down. My anxiety is caused by many things, mostly constant abuse, past torture, abandonment, and the fact my mind can not leave the "fight or flight" response. If you are reading this I really hope someone out there can understand any of this, for the most recent event has me seeking help or trying to find hope again... I am going to write daily events... so I can reflect on what I am writing and try and make sense out of all of it. Also reflect on what I can do to make sure it never happens again.

 

I was born September 12, 1990, I was raised by a drunken father who had the wisdom of a great man, but chose to teach me his wisdom with an iron gauntlet. My mother was diagnosed with psychophrenia from the results of my fathers abuse, when she is "normal" she is the happiest person you will ever meet... But when she is going through what I call a "phase" she tried to kill me multiple times. Both have taught me to be respectful, kind, assertive, mannerful, and so many good things, I will give them at least that much credit.

 

As we go on... it wasn't just them who made me have so many bad memories... I wish it was just them, it seems that everyone these days have terrible parental experiences... but what about friends, strangers, relationships? I have been dealt the same treatment from everyone who has come across me. I really wish I could say I am an asshole, I am not a good person, I am jealous, I am hateful, I am spiteful... but I am not any of these things. Matter of fact I am actually calm, collected, easy going, free spirited, and I feel from all I have been through I fully understand what causes people to be so spiteful. The only bad thing about me... I feel I can never be happy.

 

I am not much of a writer but I am now going to take a trip back in time... back to my hell. There are no dates... these events happened so frequently that it felt like a daily thing.

The chessboard (high school days): I love chess, I love strategy, but at one point in life I was doing terrible in school. I was hanging out with the "outcasts" (what we called ourselves), we all had destructive parents and that fueled our destructive nature. This nature had me skipping classes, not doing homework to go out with my friends, and fighting. Well all of those destructive actions got back to my father who I was living with at the time... He was furious. He didn't beat me for once, but instead told me I was grounded for an entire year. Yes, an entire year.

 

When I was grounded it wasn't just "no outside privileges" or "no video games / T.V". I was grounded from everything except books and a chess board. My brother ran away during this time so there was no one to play chess with, I already read all of my books, so I began playing chess by myself. I built strategies, and game play ideas, was bored but that was all I could do. My father came home one time drunk from the bar and asked me a simple question after he noticed me playing chess by myself. He asked me "who's winning Isiah". Of course I answered "I am". He had a follow up question, "who's losing Isiah"? I was somewhat confused by his question but answered again "I am". He sat on the opposite of the table and asked again, "who's winning Isiah", and again I answered "I am". He was frustrated at this point and threatened "You better give me a fucking straight answer Isiah, who the fuck is winning"? "I am". He rubbed his head, got off his seat, and stood over me. He looked me in the eyes and he stated "You better give me a straight fucking answer, you can't be winning and losing, Who the fuck is losing"!? I screamed I am and then came the fists... pummeled me... then he just walked away without a word...

 

Published in Diary
Saturday, 20 December 2014 20:27

Holiday season

I wanted to start off by saying that I hate the holidays. This time of the year is really difficult for me because I have a small family with alot of addictions, abuse, and loss. I lost both of my parents when I was 11 years old, so the holiday season is a harsh reminder of reality. Now that I'm 18, it has become stressful because many of my family members now expect me to step up and buy presents, host family parties, and drop all of my responsibilities to participate in christmas activities. Lately, this has made me stressed out and on edge. To make matters worse, the majority of my family does not understand anxiety and thinks that I just need to "get over it". They think that I'm doing this to myself, which is ridiculous. Who would put themselves through this? 

About a month ago, my Dziadzie (grandfather) died. This has caused alot of tension in my family and alot of pressure on me. In my mind, he was the only connection I had to my mother's family, so in a way my family has gotten smaller and smaller. It's very hard going through this when you feel like you don't have anyone. 

Any way, I have a family party to go to so I'll probably make another diary post when I get home. 

bye guys xx

Published in Diary
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