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Displaying items by tag: depression

Saturday, 23 August 2014 15:03

The disliker and the disliked.

I haven't written anything in a long time. I like to write but almost never do anymore, because I have everything but shut down in the area of things that make me happy or bring me joy. It must be my way of coping. Pushing away pleasurable things because I feel so overwhelmed and keyed up I feel like I just can't start or do anything. I want to write again, to draw, to create, it is a big part of me. Yet whenever I try it highlights this self loathing process, where I feel like I am so inferior in my ability that I don't even want to do it, which I know is all or nothing thinking but the discomfort from the thought makes me lose my "creative spirit" and I lose interest.  I just think too much period. That is what is ironic about it. The thinking generates the ability to be creative and at the same time thinking too much, being too creative, takes you down this rabbit hole that keeps you from having creativity that benefits you or others in any way. The trick is to be present and accept that I am thinking but at the same time not get trapped by the thinking. To observe the thoughts but not find myself being my thoughts. I really struggle with that. I have to catch myself. I often say I am depressed, but I am not so much depressed as I FEEL depressed. I have emotions that are not happy emotions. The thoughts which are not me trigger emotions which are not me and then I act and the acting is me because it is the choice I make based on those emotions and thoughts. I live in this state of worry that I will upset someone, look bad, be caught in my inability and even though I know all of this is silly and irrelevant I have auto-acted to where I don't often find myself able to identify what exact thought or secondary emotion triggers the entire process. I go through the process every day when I am around people, before during and after conversations and encounters. It eats up all my time. I highly dislike it but I am the disliker and the disliked. I want to change, but the hardest thing to change is yourself. It's easy to change jobs, addresses, and outside encounters. It makes no sense because it's like a computer that has a virus. The operating system keeps doing what it has always done and cannot fix itself, and in a way by doing what it has always done makes the problem worse. Then I scan and clean it up because I am also the user of the computer. I am aware of my cognitive distortions, but I have yet to overcome the phobia, because it's like I do it automatically without thought. Or the thoughts come later when breaking them down doesn't seem to benefit me. I have the overall thoughts beat, I can talk back to them, or be present and not generate them sometimes. The hardest challenges are motivation, thought tolerance, and social interaction. I have it narrowed down to those. At the same time I see a bit of perfectionist in there. At what point will I be happy with myself? I am not a failure, I am actually rediculously sucessful in light of what I overcame in my past. I have made huge strides in my mental health. What will be good enough? I can talk, I absolutely hate and second guess everything that comes out but I get out there and do it. I have a job and noone has fired me yet. What is the gauge I should use for, I am ok enough?  A little unfocused rant but there it is. 

Published in Diary

Like everyone, I was shocked and saddened by the death of famous comedian and actor Robin Williams. He was my generation's Charlie Chaplin. His movies were part of the backdrop of my generation's childhood, adolecence, and early adulthood. Over the past days, I have watched the many touching tributes to him, but I have discovered a disturbing trend in the comments of those who knew him well. Many of those who knew him for countless years expressed that they did not see his suicide coming, that he had his addictions under control, and that they did not know he was in such pain. One close friend of his, actor Rob Schneider expressed concern that Williams had been taking a Parkinson's disease drug that had suicide listed as a side effect. This struck a nerve with me. The media has reported VERY LITTLE on this VERY IMPORTANT link. This information is especially pertinent to those of us that have mental health issues. Prescription drugs have side effects sometimes very grave ones, and god only knows how many deaths are chalked up to "depression" when in actuality it is the pharmaceutical companies that should be held accountable. I have had my own personal experiences with the side effects of depression/anxiety medication. Some medications can and do make people who are normally not suicidal have suicidal thoughts. The sad thing is they make so much money off of the meds there has to be a class action lawsuit for these pills to be taken off the market. These pills are a double edged sword. In many cases there is a severe need for a medication, any medication to remove the pain associated with mental and physical illnesses. On the other edge of the sword is we do not know the the long term effects of these fairly new medications. We have to keep ourselves informed and make sure the media exposes the dangers of medications. Few people seem aware but Parkinson's and depression are also LINKED. It is believed that the lower levels of seretonin play a role in this. Now with this in mind, I feel it appropriate to highlight (in honor of Robin Williams)  NON MEDICINAL ways to increase your serotonin so you can theoretically decrease your chances of developing Parkinsons. Naturally. No drugs. Here are the ones I have found after scouring the internet. THINKING POSITIVE THOUGHTS- The chicken before the egg? Does serotonin cause you to be positive or does thinking positive cause you to produce serotonin. Either way MOOD THERAPY helps. EXPOSURE TO LIGHT. Sunlight, light baths. Many people with depression/anxiety have vitamin D deficiency and need more exposure to light. EXERCISE- Face it, it FLOODS your brain with happy chemicals, the ones you need, and for those of us with anxiety that fight and flight response builds up a need to release tension, exercise helps you work it out. DIET- eating foods that are serotonin boosters, foods rich in tryptophan, food low in sugar,caffiene, syrups, and saturated fats.  One thing that I made the decision to do after hearing this information in light of what I believe to be the big pharma murder of Robin Williams, was to purchase a treadmill. Everyday when I walk on it, I will remember that I am walking to naturally beat these mental illnesses that have robbed so many of their health and happiness. Every step, though simple, is like a little kick in the face of those horrible people that allow medications to KILL PEOPLE and not take them off the market because they care more about stock value than moral values. Maybe that sounds extreme, but over the course of 8 years I was put on zanax, wellbutrin, lexapro, zoloft, prozac, lithium, and another one I don't remember the name of because it has been so long, and all of those before the age of 30. That is extreme. The pill culture is extreme. Now, if you can find a pill that works, and leaves you with no side effects keep taking it, you found the magic pill. I know for many of us that has yet to happen, and won't. The option is there and I am thankful for that, but the risks are there too and the media and our society need to make sure that those risks are highlighted and addressed especially when the opportunity presents itself. The suspicious death of Robin Williams gave us that opportunity and we should be asking why. Not why did he do it, but why did this side effect happen to him and noone talked about. After all he did for others, we owe that to him. 

Published in Diary
Sunday, 06 April 2014 00:04

Not feeling great

I'm not feeling good.  My husband is mad at me most of the time if I even open my mouth to speak about almost anything.  I don't feel like speaking anymore and wish I had someone in my life who acts like they love me.  The only time me husband acts nice to me isn't about affection, but when he wants sex.  I don't care who knows this here.  The only way I am treated decently by him since I've been sick and have nothing else to give is if I will put out.  Don't know how the rest of you feel with anxiety and depression, but that's the last thing I'm interested in.  

Published in Diary
Sunday, 06 April 2014 00:04

Not feeling great

I'm not feeling good.  My husband is mad at me most of the time if I even open my mouth to speak about almost anything.  I don't feel like speaking anymore and wish I had someone in my life who acts like they love me.  The only time me husband acts nice to me isn't about affection, but when he wants sex.  I don't care who knows this here.  The only way I am treated decently by him since I've been sick and have nothing else to give is if I will put out.  Don't know how the rest of you feel with anxiety and depression, but that's the last thing I'm interested in.  

Published in Diary
Monday, 17 March 2014 08:48

Hated...

I have notised I believe everyone hate me with all their soul...
I know it isn't true, but I feel like everyone hate me, hate what I do, hate who I am.
It's quite stupid of me to believe it, that everyone would hate me, and that they would feel better if I wasn't around, but I can't help it. I feel like shit... I can't face people when I feel like this... I though I was ready to get over to school again, no one is mean, so why do I feel like this? I feel so alone... I don't think anyone cares about me, and that is a sincere though. People think I play games on my room for a month without eating? Yeah... that's really what I do...
I wish someone could care enough to know I wasn't okay... to get me out... it's hard when you've been like this the whole life, without anyone ever asking questions...
Like, shouldn't parents worry if a child doesn't eat?
Shouldn't friends care if you don't show up for school?
I don't think I've had friends... at any moment during my life... people always told me to shut up and stuff... I can't deal with these emotions....
Right now I'm spinning in this stupid joke of fear... I wanna go to school and do my stuff... but I can't... I feel so hated and despised... I don't get why...
I have tried facing my fears, but it feels like I draw more into myself... maybe I'm having a break down because I was thinking of doing something big next week... having my own art opening...

I've been afraid to do stuff, because I'm afraid of people, but for once I decided to push myself... maybe it's wrong..
Then again, if I bail out, I probably will feel a lot worse... my fear might grow as well... sigh...

Once I wake up, I should get up, take a shower, dress myself, drink and get out and buy myself some food... havent really eaten properly for some days (unless one consider potatochips food). But most of all, I should get to school. If I'm there, I can't really go home and be scared. It'll force me to stay there and do stuff. I might sleep over at the school doing art, because when I do art, I don't feel bad. :(

It's when I'm alone to long it get's really bad... like how I've been alone for days now... :(

Sigh... I must get over this stupid insensible feelings I have. I must stopp thinking everyone hates me... really, how selfish wouldn't it be to think everyone hates you? Then again... I've never really felt like a part of society. People most scares me... females as well as guys, as well as family as well as children... all people freak me out. I've never felt a part of humanity...

I think I'm writing this to get it out of my chest, so maybe when I wake, I'll feel good enough to go outside and do stuff.
Maybe admitting this feeling of belieiving everyone hates me somehow will help... at least it will be a good practice for when I meet a psycholog in real life. Sigh...

Okay... I must try to feel happy, I need happy dreams.
I must gain enough happiness to feel like doing things except barely typing stuff online. o.o
Must gain happiness (think positive)
I must think about good things in myself so I can stop myself from thinking bad... it feels so horrible, but I guess, maybe after sleeping some more, I will feel better.
I did feel like going to school earlier, so maybe I just need some hours and then I'll go.
(swearing to myself to get to school either later today or tomorrow, and then work like hell)

I can do this ^_^
I hope...

Published in Diary
Friday, 07 February 2014 01:10

I Can Never

Every step i take, 

Every move i make,

Just another mistake.

 

Can't ever do anything right,

Eapecially on my careless dark side,

Everytime i end up in a fight.

 

Everything that i do,

Everything i go through,

Nothing Changes, Nothing new.

Every choice, every single desiion,

You wont let me live this life i was given,

I still have to live with it, even if i am forgiven,

 

And even stilli can't forgive myself,

Never has it been easy for myself,

Holding quilt on the book shelf.

 

And this regret i hold inside,

I can not for get, i can not hide,

I can not hold this shit it my mind!

 

Is is eating me up, and i am feeling weak.

Devouring from within,But hard to speak,

I feel quilt within an emptiness and so bleak.

 

every singal step i take,

Every move is just another mistake,

I cannot get out, there is no escape!

 

 

Published in Diary
Monday, 20 January 2014 02:02

Two Paths

I have a bubble that surrounds me. I don’t know when this bubble formed, but I have carried it with me for a very long time. Often, it is solid black and blocks my vision as I follow my life-path, but I walk not knowing where I’m going. Occasionally, words would surface only to disappear again, like a snapping turtle breaking a lake’s surface. ‘Loser’. ‘Worthless’. ‘Unwanted’. ‘Not talented’. ‘Stupid’. As I walk, I can hear people reaching out to me, their voices are bright. I think they are trying to help me. One voice seems to outshine them all. More, positive messages drift across the bubble and the walls become murky-grey and I can kind of see where I am going. I dare to think that maybe all of the negative feedback I have absorbed over the years were false messages and I find myself stepping into unfamiliar territory. 

I notice I have partially stepped out of my bubble. What I see scares me, because I can’t quite make it out. 

The air and scenery are colorful, but blurry. I watch the colors swirl in front of me, daring to think I could absorb some of it. But, even in the color I can see little bits of grey. On instinct, I focus on those bits, because they are familiar to me. My mind fills with doubt and I duck back into the bubble; its dark walls surround me again. Deep inside, I can feel the darkness press against me and I feel as though I am starting to crawl even though I am still on my feet. Those familiar words appear to me again. This time they seem more intense. My eyes grow heavy. My mind and body feels as though they have become stone and all I can think about is sleeping. That’s all I want to do is sleep. But, something deep inside of me causes me to reach out to the brightest voice, my husband's voice. He tries to reassure me, “You are wanted. You are worth something to me.” His words are only bright enough to lighten the bubble. 

Through the murky-grey I can see two paths placed before me: One to the left and one to the right. I’m not sure which way to go. Both paths scare me. 

The right path seems to go on forever and is lined with people who have tried to give me positive feedback. Dan stands at the head of the line, which seems to be small. The left path is short enough that I can see my own grave. Only one person stands beside it, but he disappears after a while. I have been here before. Many times. And while I considered the left path, I have always taken the right path. Each time I took this path, I kept the people at a distance so as to keep them from stepping inside my bubble. With a few exceptions, but those few exceptions have only been allowed a peek. 

This time, if I take the right path, no more peeking allowed by those outside. If I go right, I’ll just be a burden on people. If I take the left, I’ll be free of myself and people will be free of me. If I go left, I really don’t know what will happen to Dan. If I go right, at least I’ll know. If I go right, I’ll feel like I have to change into something I’m not, or pretend to be something I’m not. ‘Smart’. ‘Talented’. ‘Someone with potential’. ‘Someone who has something to offer’. 

If I go left, at least I’ll go being true to myself: A no talented loser who doesn’t deserve life. Because that is what I am. 

But, is that who I want to be for the rest of my life?

The easy way out is to the left, but there may be more help for me along the right path. So, take the easy way out or swallow my pride and my fears and seek out more help? I could also just stay at this fork in the road, but that won’t get me anywhere.

Published in Diary
Friday, 17 January 2014 00:41

My story

About a year ago I was diagnosed with anxiety / depression but I guess the anxiety hit me harder due to it being a constant thing in my life and never going away. Anyway, I went to see an anxiety specialist who talked through everything with me and made everything crystal clear. He told me what kind of anxiety I had and how I could deal with it then I started taking anti anxiety medication and that helped, quite a lot aswell but now I'm off the medication and I'm just about coping, I used to get close to breaking point with both my depression and my anxiety. My depression had me crying while trying to sleep, and my anxiety had me constantly worrying and not being able to basically leave the house for fear of anything and everything.

Published in Diary
Tuesday, 14 January 2014 06:16

Something Is Wrong With Me

I've always thought that something was wrong with me, I've always felt out of place in every group or situation, never felt needed. Just useless in every given situation. Sure they are moments in my life where I may have been happy but I can hardly remember them, but I remember every depressing moment in my life. I remember all my major break downs and times I've felt like my world is just ending. I don't know why I feel like this, I've never really talked to anyone about this. 

When I was younger I got sent to a church counselor but she would just talk to me about praying. I got sent again to this group thing, where we would meet and bake and talk about God. Honestly never felt comfortable with any of those times. It was all very weird for me.

About a year ago, my mom sent me to a real therapist, well two actually the same time, but it only lasted a month. They never really helped me in any way nor diagnosed me with anything, well they kind of helped me but after about a week I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere, it just felt like I stuck in the same place I was when I started and I just use to go because I had too.

Published in Diary
Wednesday, 04 December 2013 13:25

My Many Problems/Late Night Jumbled Thoughts

 I'm not sure if this will make any sort of sense. I have many different thoughts going on at once and at 4:30 in the morning I'm pretty sleep deprived at this point. I apologize in advance to anyone reading this who can't make any sense out of it. It's been a long time since I've used my diary. I felt like now would be a pretty good time.

 I don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling right now. I feel lucid; void from feelings. Like, all of my feelings erupted inside of me and now they're gone. Now they're empty. It doesn't feel like sadness, it doesn't feel like depression. I really don't know how to describe it. But I know I've felt it before. And I know it usually makes me feel on some scale of crazy.

 Earlier tonight Ganon, my 3-year-old son woke up upset. It was over something trivial, his nose was running. Being a kid, I understand this is just part of how he shows his frustration. I was coaxed to go comfort him, something I didn't even think about doing. I tried my best to. I wiped his nose, brought him his favorite stuffed toy, told him I loved him and kissed him good-night. I went back to my room where my "boyfriend" (confusing relationship right now) was waiting and he told me I was a good mom for helping to comfort our son. It just made me pull away because I felt so confused. Confused over what? I have no idea. Just the act of trying to comfort my son was so foreign to me. The compliments on doing it felt foreign to me too. I didn't like it. I'm not sure why, but I didn't. It really freaked me out.

 People see the things I do or the things I say and they tell me how they think I'm a great person. How they think I'm doing good things or being sweet. I thank them with sincere appreciation because I do try hard to be a good person, but deep down... Sometimes I just think, how can they not see what a shitty, fucked up person I am? I mean... The fact alone that I'm "TRYING" to be a good person should speak volumes on that. Truly good people don't TRY to be good, they just are. They do it with ease and without thinking about it because they're good people. I'm not one of those people.

 I have these constant, intrusive thoughts of sex with multiple people. "Well everyone fantasizes about different people now and then." True, but I always seem to go one step over just fantasizing. I take advantage of them, use them for the physical gratitude and then want nothing more. I feel like a hermit crab moving from one shell to the next. I have periods of time where I'll stop sex altogether, but that's where the intrusive thoughts come up the most. Staring at men and women at work, getting dangerously close to sexual chat with innocent people, having wet dreams every night. Sure, they're "innocent" fantasies at first, but I always work my way into making them realities. I always think afterward "what the hell is wrong with me?" It's like this fucked up, vicious cycle that for whatever reason, since I first started having sex, I can't fucking break. I feel like a fucking prisoner and the fucked up thing is I'm the one who's locking myself up.

 I wish it was as easy as just stopping. I wish I wasn't so fucked up and I wish people could see how shitty of a person I really am so I can stop feeling so guilty every time they midjudge me as a good person. I've ruined so much in my life and I truly have no one to blame, but myself.

Published in Diary

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