Today was a struggle.
My first thought when I woke up was: Shit. I'm not dead. I want to die
So not the best way to start the day. BUT. We must press on. So I took my Benzos and my SSRI and made the most of it. 'The most of it' was me actually eating and interacting with my family, I even managed to email my counselor about how I felt today.
But man. Suicidal thoughts SUCK. I spent about 5 hours today in bed, crying, thinking about my death. Thinking about the point of life, those sorts of things.
I wish that I did not have these thoughts. But I do. So I must deal with them. Today the method for dealing with the thoughts was pot brownies. The brownies set in and my body felt calm, not empty, not filled with despair. I wasn't happy, but I also wasn't as bad as before. I watched some videos and read some articles about suicidology, trying to figure out WHY I have these feelings.
Today was not great, but maybe tomorrow will be :)
Hey guys uhmm....i've been told to check out this website and i finally did which is good i guess...well i've been depressed most of my life, and i never really had anyone to talk to about it and that's not a good thing...but anyways... most people ignore me and judge me by the way i dress and so but to be honest, i really don't mind it..i like being alone..or i don't like it.. i just don't want friends and so one 'cause one day they'll forget me and when they do i will get really bad again :l so now i'm kind of a loner..some weeks ago a teacher on my school took me out of the class to talk for a moment and he talked about how he have noticed me being sad and so on. So i kinda told him about and now he pull me out of class at least once a week..i really don't like it 'cause i just want people to leave me alone and just go on with their day but of course he won't let me be sad anymore so he says he has to talk to me...a girl started to talk to me some time ago and i kinda like her..she's really cool and such but deep down i wish i had never said hi to her in the first place...we're best buds now and i'm so afraid of losing her... she's moving to another school here next year and i just can't bare the feeling of losing her...i knew it was a bad idea to become friends with her and now i don't know what to do :c every time i talk about it, i always cry...so as you can guess i'm crying right now...well i guess that's it :l thank you for listening to my problem(s)
When I was 6 years old, I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. My elementary school and middle school years were all tourture for me (thats what my mom said I said it was like), but i can barely remember it.
I'm surrently a junior in high school, and although my depression is getting better (probably because I have genuine friends now), my anxiety is still horrible. I've been asking my mom to get me anxiety medication, but she keeps fighting me on it. She'll say "well you've been fine the last two years of high school" "I don't want you dopped up on pills all the time" "you don't want to gain weight from the side-effect, do you?" or other things. But I need the medication, I've always know that I do. I need it so I can raise my hand in class and say something. or to go up and give a presentation. I need it to talk to my teacher one on one. I need it to walk down the halls without a friend right next to me. I need it so I can be okay with someone brushing my back every once in a while in the halls. Or so that I can carry a purse instead of a backpack 24/7. I need it so I can ask for help. I need it for everything.
The only time she ever said I should go on medication was when it effected her life. I had an anxiety attack in the car and it was horrible but all she did was tell me I'm selfish and that I'm shitty person. The next day she said I should go on anxiety medication. Not because I need it to do simple tasks, but because she doesn't want me to "make a scene" again.
The only personin my family who seems to understand just little bit of what I go through is my dad. He's incredibly shy, unless he's around his sister (who's like his best friend), or unless he's one on one with me, or after he's had a beer or two. My mom is very uptight, conservative, and almost too assertive. My younger brother is loud and obnoxious to the point where he makes people look at him (which freaks me out because then I feel like everyone is staring at us). My Dad's side of the family is really relaxed and fun. We're loud, but mostly because we're laughing. I feel so comfortable around them that I actually talk and make jokes and smile. My mom's side of the family is extremely judgemental, crtical, old-fashioned, and nothing like me. (unfortunately) They all live in our area, and my mom is super close with all of them (my 2 aunts and my grandma), so we go out to dinner or things all the time. Since I was a kid, I've known that I can never truely be myself around them, and recently I realized it would just be better to become mute around them. I'd rather be judge for being mute and "anti-social" than for anything that I say.
My friends are very understanding. My friends are more on the quiet side, but when we're all together we're loud and laughing. My two best friends and I are so close that we share everything, and have "deep" conversations at 3 in the morning. My boyfriend is another one of my best friends. I've let all three of them tear down my walls, and they all have complete access to me. I'm not afraid of what they'll think, or of being judged around them. Which is a big deal because I always used to feel that way around people. And we're able to tell each other if something about them is bothering us. Which is huge for me, because in past friendships, I would keep quiet about anything that bothered me. I think I did it to avoid conflict, because I thought that conflict would mean that I would lose a friend.
I don't really know where I was going with this but I guess its a good first diary entry?
Everyone would rather I keep my pain a secret; hold it inside of myself like some rotting fetus I'm supposed to push out and bury. They'd rather I forgot and smile and laugh and engage like nothing is happening inside of my brain, inside my soul.
People don't know what to say when they've never seen a hole as deep as mine. They don't know how to save me, or even know that they should.
Then again, maybe I'm just being dramatic.
It was December 5th, 2012 and my fiance and I were headed out of town. Not 15 minutes into it, I felt like I was going to be sick and had to pull over so he could drive. It was an instant feeling that I assumed was just a bug or something that was going around. For a few weeks I felt this way and immediately thought I was pregnant and that would explain the nerves and sickness, so finally talked to Peyton (my fiance) and we took a test - negative. But then what was making me feel sick?!
December 26th - Doctor's office. She says I am not depressed and that it is anxiety, but there are medications that can help...Lexapro, an anti-depressant that would take about 6 weeks to get into my system. I have never taken a medication other than birth control and never wanted to, but this had to stop. It seems to help, but I've had some life changes that are taking a toll still.
We've been trying to plan a destination wedding, ok fine...12/16/2013 lost my job after purchasing a new car, ok fine...2/4/2013 got a new job, ok fine...11/1/2013, getting on a plane to Mexico in 5 months, not fine (getting on a flying capsule with a bunch of other people scares the daylights out of me). Less than a year ago I was in Vegas and had no anxiety! What the hell is my brain doing to me?!
Today: June 11, 2013 - Made my first therapy appointment EVER! I have to say, I am excited at the thought of talking to someone who can help me get over this and be able to walk on that plane and get married with confidence. I don't talk about it much with Peyton because I don't think he understands how debilitating it is. If we go out to eat or see friends, I am in panic mode until I can get my hands on an alcoholic beverage. It helps of course because it numbs, but that doesn't mean I enjoy that part. I don't drink much, therefore, I don't go out much.
I don't want to be on medication, Peyton doesn't want me on medication. It's hard because I know it helps, but I refuse to let this FEELING control my life and be on medication forever. If it's just a feeling, then I can change it, right?
I'll let you know how therapy went...I'm even anxious about that!
When I was first diagnosed with anxiety and depression, I was encouraged to seek therapy and medication. While I believe that both therapy and medication are excellent, and often effective, tools for ameliorating anxiety and depression, I wasn’t interested in taking pharmaceuticals. A long-time self-proclaimed health nut, I wanted to find ways to combat these illnesses through natural means.
While I am lucky and only suffer from mild depression and infrequent anxiety, I think many of my solutions can help others across the broad spectrum of anxiety and depression disorders. I hope that some (if not all) of these suggestions will be useful to you, as we are all fighting a tough battle.
I know, I know, we have all heard it before: exercise will make you feel better. But it really is a great tool to use against depression and anxiety. Exercise releases endorphins (happy chemicals) in the body, improving your mood. That is why many runners get what they call a “runner’s high.”
Although it was often a struggle just to get out of bed some days, when I took time to get outside and exercise (even if only for ten or fifteen minutes), the haze of depression, and the tension of anxiety would lift. Sometimes it only lasted an hour; but winning the battle is about taking those small victories. And when your body is healthy, your mental health can only improve.
Like I said before, I am a big health nut, and have always worked hard to eat right. However, during periods of depression, I would tend to overeat and snack on junk food. Unfortunately, the satisfaction from eating these tasty treats left as quickly as it came. And after these binges I would be left feeling even more worthless than before.
So I made a commitment to eat healthy again.
Focusing on fresh fruits and vegetables, and whole grains, improves the body’s functioning and naturally makes you feel happier and well. Depression makes you feel bad about yourself; so do yourself a favor and don’t give it another reason to bring you down. When I began eating healthy it didn’t cure everything, but it did help me feel good about how I was treating my body. Remember, it’s the small victories you have to cling to.
One of the simplest ways to fight through depression is through routine. Depression throws you in a rut that can often seem impossible to climb out of. However, forming a routine (and sticking to it) will force you to take action (however small) and avoid sinking further.
I started out very small. I wrote out a to-do list that I could follow every day. It included things like, 1. Get out of bed with the alarm, 2. Take a shower, 3. Eat breakfast, 4. Take a walk outside, 5. Go to work, 6. Make dinner. Although these are very simple acts that normally wouldn’t require a written to-do list, it helped me stay on track and get through the worst days.
4. Therapeutic Essential Oils
I have enjoyed the benefits of essential oils for years, and because I was loathe to try prescription medication, therapeutic essential oils were a natural choice for me (literally). Essential oils are not only good for relieving sores, burns, and cuts (I’m sure we’re all familiar with the soothing properties of aloe vera on a sunburn), but they also have mental health benefits. Herbs and oils such as chamomile, lavender, sandalwood, and jasmine, are all great natural remedies for depression and anxiety.
Every day I would start the morning with a cup (or two, or three) of chamomile tea. Chamomile is known for its soothing properties and effectiveness against depression, insomnia, and anxiety symptoms.
Similarly, lavender is especially effective in reducing mental stress and anxiety; sandalwood stimulates the limbic system of the brain (which is the center of emotions); and jasmine has uplifting and relaxing qualities that combat depression and nervous exhaustion.
Depression can have some very strange effects on the mind and body. I am normally a social, friendly person. However, sometimes my depression or anxiety would play mind games with me and make me feel totally detached from social situations. It was often like I was looking at my life as a third person, watching myself go through the motions, responding to people when they spoke to me, but not feeling any sort of real connection. Almost like watching a movie of your life while you’re actually living it.
It was in this sort of state that I found myself one week, yearning to feel human connection again, but failing miserably. That is when I remembered advice my mother gave me a long time ago. She said that whenever I felt sad or unhappy, I should do service. Her philosophy was that sadness is an inherently selfish emotion because it generates self-pity and a focus on the inward. While I do not mean to say that depression means you’re simply selfish (I know better than anyone that is most definitely an illness), I think there is some merit to her advice.
So I began volunteering at the soup kitchen once a week. While I didn’t miraculously feel alive and connected overnight, it did help me recognize that there were other people suffering in the world, and I could at least pretend to feel empathy and compassion for them. Eventually, I found I really did feel charity and enjoyed the opportunity to serve others.
While my story may not be the same as yours (we’re all fighting our own unique battles), I believe that many of these “natural cures” can help others who suffer from depression and anxiety. It won’t work overnight, and it won’t be easy. But we have to try. I know I’m glad I did.
Day One of the Forum
Episode 1: As a teenager I was a professional singer. I was raised to be a rock star, basically. I wasn't famous or anything but made pretty good money. My father was a brilliant guitarist who was in the band with me. I had the best music equipment and was able to work with brilliant musicians (all much older than me). After I graduated high school I went to Berklee College of Music in Boston. When I came home for my first summer break (Lincoln, NE) my father was arrested for embezzlement. It seems that's how he was funding my music career and college. The first panic attacked I had was in 1999, shortly before my 21st birthday. My father was just sentenced to prison I did not have the money to continue school in Boston. I was quite the pot head and suddenly I had panic attacks anytime I smoked. So I did the rational thing and quit smoking weed. It worked. No more panic attacks. I lived my life as normal, working, writing, hanging out with friends. When I was 24 I decided to go back to college for something entirely different. (Before it was music, now it was ancient literature and religion). One semester in my apartment burned down and I lost everything. I had a difficult time, but in general I was fine.
I've grown quite a bit in the past few months. I've gone through PTSD which led to agoraphobia, beat my agoraphobia, gotten my driver license, got a new job, helped my boyfriend to achieve greater things.
Now I'm going to rewind to before all this happened. I'm going to explain my current situation of where I'm living, who I'm living with, why I'm living here.
In December 2011 I was severely depressed. Things with my boyfriend weren't going well, things at work weren't the best, I just felt mopey. It got to the point where anxiety had crawled out of me and was taking everything over. I couldn't handle it anymore so I decided to just commit myself to the psychiatric ward. Only, when I went in they wouldn't take me. They said someone else had to commit me and I had to be unwilling to go in.
The next best option was to go to the emergency room and see if there was any way to commit myself to the temporary, short in patient adult mental health unit. No such luck as they were full. So they took a urine sample, some blood samples, a psychologist came in to talk with me. Then they decided to give me an Ativan and send me on my way. Right when I got up to leave a nurse rushed back to say
"I don't know if anyone else told you this, but a pregnancy test came back positive for you."
I was in shock. I felt first pissed off that a doctor gave me an Ativan while knowing I was pregnant and then upset at myself for feeling suicidal and not realizing I was pregnant.
I already had my son and it was difficult to afford bringing him up as I was the only one working between my boyfriend and I. We had room mates to help out with rent, thank goodness, but there was no way I could afford another kid. I decided to go in for an abortion.
I scheduled for one asap so that I could hopefully get the medicinal abortion. Just take a pill and your done. However, there's only one clinic left in my area and they had a pretty full schedule for a while. By the time I could finally make it in, I was JUST passed the medicinal stage and now could only get the vacuum procedure. I sat in the clinic feeling scared, shaken up, upset. I read all the horrible things that could go wrong from having this procedure done. I told my boyfriend I couldn't do it. He persisted that I went through with it. I started having a panic attack and then I was called back. I told the nurse that I didn't want to have it done. She told me it was my decision and my decision alone. I left that day without an abortion. My boyfriend was majorly pissed off at me and wouldn't even talk to me for the rest of the day.
I decided since I was going to have another baby, I had to get my life in gear and fast. I stuck with the job I was unhappy at, I started going to college and I got my driver instructional permit. I thought I could handle everything and I would have both of my kids and lead my life being happy around them, doing what I wanted and loved to do.
Only things didn't go as planned...
When it became closer to my daughter's due date (August 2012) my boyfriend and I decided we had to have our room mates move out. We were staying in a small two-bedroom apartment and I felt ready to just do things on our own as a family. I wanted my son to have his own room so we could make room for our daughter. Things became really difficult financially at that point. There was back rent that hadn't been paid in so long from our room mates missing payments and my boyfriend only getting unemployment money. They moved out and left us with this burden. My boyfriend's unemployment dried up and I was the only one working, while also trying to pay my way through college and raise two kids. Eventually we couldn't handle rent anymore so we had to leave.
This is where things became much more difficult.
Not wanting us to go to a homeless shelter, my boyfriend decided we should reach out to family for help. I had spent my remaining teenage years living at my grandpa's. When I moved out he told me if I ever got pregnant I wasn't welcome back because he didn't want to "take care of anymore kids." My kids were not welcome there and with him being an alcoholic and the fights we get into when he's drunk, I really didn't want my kids there either. Also, my boyfriend wasn't allowed to stay there.
David (my boyfriend) decided to move into his sister's. The kids were able to stay there as well.
All the stress from everything that was happening overwhelmed me and made my anxiety worse to the point where I flunked out of school when I only had two classes left before completing my certification. I'm still planning on going back, but that put a slight damper on my future. Not only that, but work became a lot more difficult than it ever had been and I had to make the decision to quit for my own health and safety.
Both of us being jobless and homeless, David and I decided to try to get jobs. He didn't have internet at his sister's house to properly search for jobs. He also had no money for an type of transportation. I still couldn't have my kids at my grandpa's house. Not only that, but we were also having problems with his sister smoking spice and cigarettes in the house, effecting our kids' health. Her son was also getting mixed up wrongly with our kids (that I won't get into on here.)
We made the very difficult decision as parents... For the health, safety and happiness... To give them to his mom for a while until we got our life in order and back on track once again.
She's done wonderfully taking care of them and I can't thank her enough or ever truly repay her for everything she's done. This has by far been the most challenging thing for me. I want so badly to just wake up to my baby girl crying. For my son telling me he's woken up. I want to make snacks for my son. Listen to him laugh, teach him new words, watch him play with his toys. I want to see my baby girl smile, crawl around, babble and coo. I want to hold them and kiss them and just generally enjoy their presence, but I can't. David's mom lives a town over and though I can drive, my van is unreliable so I'm stuck being able to only drive to nearby vicinities.
There are people who take for granted being able to see their kids. There are people who don't and now I really understand what it's like to be a mom. Now I understand why people seem to change when they have kids. Things are starting to look up, they are getting better. But every day I go without seeing my kids just hurts me more. It's difficult to stand there at work and talk to costumers with kids. It's hard to ring up their purchases and see the smiles on their kids' faces and know that something as simple as what they're doing with their kids is something that I just can't do right now.
The medicine I'm taking right now is the worst of them all. I feel really bad, light headed and my hands are shaking constantly.
Socialising is even harder than before: I can't concentrate nor look a person in the eyes. I constantly feel the need to detach myself from everything.
All in all, I'm afraid that if I tell my therapist everything I'm going to be hospitalised again, which isn't an option because she said that next is going to be a sanatorium.
I am scared.
I wish I could just snap my fingers and disappear.