today i have been feeling abit better than what i normally do,and finding this site i hope
i can meet new people and make new freinds who understand and have been through simular
problems as me and support eatchother. feeling quiet hopfull becus for a long time i thought it was
just me in the world who felt like i was differnt and didnt fit in with anyone :(
Follow my blogging journey here http://anxietygirlsings.blogspot.co.nz/
When you fall back into that spiral of anxiety (yet) again, give yourself time to get your strength back, and then step back into the battle again.
No matter how often you fall, you will always get through and you will be able to start again.
Sometimes it feels like you can't possibly keep trying to beat it. It will always get the better of you eventually, and to an extent, it's true. We can never be completely rid of anxiety, but we can learn to manage it, and in doing so, we can live our lives more 'normally' and achieve things we really want to achieve.
Of course, I'm not a professional, and who am I to be giving advice. To be honest, I am giving this advice to myself. I fall backwards regularly, and each time I get depressed and convince myself that I will never be able to do anything, that I can never beat it, and that it's just not worth even trying anymore. Yet everytime, I slowly get out of that spiral (and yes, it can take a couple of months or more), and pick myself up, and start again.
It really is a case of, 2 steps forward, 1 step back - and sometimes, it can be more like 4 steps back. But at least each time I try again, I make even a little progress. I hope that you are too. If you feel like you aren't, try making small goals when you are on the way up, for instance, mine are often as small as "I will arrange to have coffee with a friend", or "I will go into the supermarket and buy something", at the start. But quickly they grow from that and I find myself making bigger goals, such as "I'm going to blog to the world about my social anxiety" and "I'm going to organise a cabaret so that I can practise performing", which (incidentally), make me equally as happy as the small goals did when I achieved them.
I'm under no illusion that I will fall again, probably in the near future. But while I am on the up, I will make those forward steps as big as I can, so that when I do fall, I have less far to climb back.
Depression is ugly. There’s no way around this fact. Depression is like driving to an amazing job interview and your car dies in the middle of nowhere. Say goodbye to the interview. You will be sticking around for a while.
Those of us with anxiety are well aware of our depressive episodes. Depression and anxiety come in the same package. The National Institute of Mental Health states on their website that, “Anxiety disorders, such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorder, social phobia, and generalized anxiety disorder, often accompany depression.”
When a car breaks down, our immediate reaction is often a bit senseless. We may get angry at the car for busting down. We want to scream at it; to kick it; to take a sledgehammer and smash all its windows. Likewise, when someone we love becomes depressed and simply stops functioning, we often become overwhelmed and frustrated by their ineptitude; and rightly so. It is not easy having a car bust down and spoil longed for opportunities. However, smashing in the car, telling the car it is lazy, sending the car on guilt trips for busting down is not going to get anyone back on the road. Smashing up the car will only make matters worse. One must give the car a tune up. Maybe it needs some more gas.
The consequences of maltreatment, however, are obviously more severe for living things. Didier Lefevre traveled into the rough terrain in the bleakest parts of Afghanistan with Doctors Without Borders. He recorded his journey in captioned photographs and illustrations in a book called The Photographer. At one point, he comments on the treatment of caravan horses who accompany travelers through the rocky passes. “Caravan horses go through martyrdom” he says.
"They’re overloaded, yanked here and there, subjected to freezing cold, and wounded by stones. They collapse from exhaustion and get abandoned on the side of the road. The trails are littered with dead horses and donkeys." (46-47)
People who are suffering from depression often feel like these horses who have been driven to the point of exhaustion. They feel like they cannot take another step. Yet the travelers feel like they must drive the horses harder. Lefevre showed a sequence of pictures of a horse and explained,
"That horse is making long stops. He can’t take any more; His eyes seem to be saying, 'Enough.' The asshole Muj’, the one Regis and I don’t like, comes up to him, places his AK-47 on top of the horse’s head and fires a volley of shots forward between his ears. The poor horse whinnies and runs desperately for fifty yards before stopping again, panting. And the Muj’ starts again, and keeps at it all the way to the top." (63)
Most of us could agree that this is maltreatment of the horse. Obviously, the man needs the horse to carry his things. He needs the horse to keep going. But this is clearly not a good solution. When the horse finally dies of exhaustion, it will be of no help at all.
As someone who has been that horse before, here are some things that I feel are helpful for people who suffer from depression.
*Recognition of the Illness
When the horse can’t go any further the mindset toward the horse must change. A person with depression may be strong in spirit, like a horse, but simply unable to utilize their strength at the time. This is not laziness. They are sick. When someone comes down with physical ailments we allow them to be sick. We do not expect them to act like a healthy person. That would be harsh. The same is true for depression. To help them, you must recognize that they are sick and need special treatment and reprieve.
* Positive Energy
When you are depressed, you don’t want an AK-47 fired next to your ears. You want to laugh again. You want to enjoy life. You want to like yourself again. When you are surrounded by positivity and cheer it gives you strength to move again. Nobody wants to be forced to act happy. But whatever degree of positivity your loved one is able to accept, offer that to them. Sometimes, something like cleaning up an area of their home so they have one less thing to worry about can add positive energy and show that they are cared for.
Now that you have recognized that they are ill, realize that their hopelessness is faulty. Have hope. Share hope. Give any dosage of hope that they are ready to accept. Life is never as bad as a depressed person believes it is.
Depressed spirits often lack in confidence. This is ill founded. See past this. See their potential rather than their sickness. Share this vision rather than pointing out how awful they have become since they have gotten sick. That will just make them feel less able.
* Encouragement of Healthy Choices
No one wants the horse to stop at the side of the road and never trek again. Encouraging the regeneration of healthy habits without being overbearing is important. This is a tricky balance. Help your loved one to run again. But keep in mind that they are injured. Don’t make them run faster than they are able. Encourage them toward manageable efforts that may improve their condition. They need encouragement to realize they are capable of much more than staying in bed all day. Make the encouragement positive and manageable rather than negative and overwhelming.
* Seek Help
All of this can sound overwhelming when we have our own discouragement and problems. We don’t want to overwork our own selves. If it becomes too much, seek help from a professional-- for your loved one and for yourself if needed. Seek help from friends and family. Don’t try to cure their ailments alone.
* Take Care of Yourself
If you are happy, your loved one will benefit.
Life is a blessing. Everyone deserves to enjoy it. Let’s all try to lift each other.
Guibert, Emmanuel et. al. Trans. Siegel, Alexis. The Photographer. New York. First:2003.
I have no one that I really trust to talk to. David made me cut ties with certain people and I can't completely blame him for that. I still feel like he isn't here for me enough. He's the only person I have anymore that I can trust and talk to, but he doesn't like talking to me much. He'll talk to me for about 10 minutes tops then goes and hangs out with his friends or plays his video games instead.
I just feel like I'm getting worst and worst. I have a freaking headache because I can't stop crying, ugh! I think I may have developed PTSD after being mugged months ago. I think that may be why my anxiety and depression are getting worse, as well. I can't even concentrate anymore. I try to go on craigslist to look for jobs, but I just have this distracting feeling.
I'm feeling so depressed today. I haven't seen my kids in over 3 weeks and that's definitely making things worse. I know they're well taken care of, but I fear when they come back they won't even recognize me anymore. This hurts. I just want to see them and hold them. I want to hear Ganon talk and I want to see Zelda moving around and laughing, cooing.
I don't have insurance and I can't afford to pay anything out of pocket for a therapist, but I know I badly need one. I've tried googling all that I can for low income/sliding scale fee therapist in my area, but I can't find anything! I feel so darn hopeless and helpeless. I'm stuck and I have no one to help get me out. I'm trying to do all the self help that I can. I'm eating healthier and trying to get exercise, but I feel like it's just not working.
I almost want to call the suicide hotline, like I've done so many times before when I actually felt suicidal. Just to talk to someone I fell like cares and that could maybe help me, but I know I can't do that. I'm not feeling suicidal yet and there are others who actually need that line to be free.
I told David I need lots of attention. I don't think he understands how horribly out of control this is getting for me, even though I tried telling him. Last night I went to the movies with my uncle and when someone was going back to their seat after getting up for something I was on edge for the rest of the movie and couldn't even pay attention because I was afraid of that person pulling out a gun and shooting up the theater.
I tried to get him to stay and talk to me on messenger earlier, but he didn't. The past couple days I've hardly talked to him. He just told me to talk to someone else. I told him I can't, because he's made me stop talking to the people that wanted to talk to me. He told me to find other people to talk to. Like it's THAT easy. Like I'm just going to open up to just anybody and risk them taking advantage of my trust.
I feel so frustrated. So hopeless. I feel like there's nothing I can do and no way for me to get help. I don't know what to do anymore.
I haven't gone out much in the last 3 weeks. I wish my kids were here, with me. I miss them so so so much. The only updates I can get about them is visiting David's Facebook page and reading what his mom posts about them. Within the last few weeks Zelda has sat up on her own, gotten her hair cut, and cut through her first two teeth. I'm hurting SO much inside. It's like the worst combination of frustration and self loathing.
I'm a crap mom. What kind of mom isn't there for her kids? What kind of mom can't support her children? It's terrible. I have few friends and family who know the whole story and they try to offer reassurance and support to the best of their ability, but it's not enough.
I'm tired of filling out application after application and sending in resume after resume only to hear NOTHING. I'm tired of going to interviews to be built up by the employer, only to be let down when it turns out they didn't see the best in me and they don't give me anything.
I'm tired of living under the roof of a man who would rather point the finger than admit his own mistakes. Who would rather drink another glass than accept the world the way it is. Who would rather search deeply for flaws than see the beauty that's right in front of him. My kids can't stay here with that. I refuse to let them grow up the way I did.
But not having them here... It's so damn painstaking. My days are filled with empty television watching and wastefully looking at Facebook statuses in conjunction with applying to jobs that I apparently have no chance in.
I feel like I'm trying my hardest and still not getting anywhere. I know I made some bad decisions, but I'm trying so hard to make the right ones now so I can have my life back on track. So I can raise my kids to hopefully not have to live with the same horrible disease that I am.
When I do go out I worry constantly. Are those people looking at me? Can they see through me? Do they realize I'm this horrible deadbeat person who isn't doing squat for her kids?
I search endlessly through pages and pages of things I want to have. The affordable apartment with enough rooms to house my kids, David and I. The inexpensive, yet practical furniture for our future home. The budget price wedding accessories for an engagement that doesn't yet exist. The jobs I want, but can't seem to get. I know it's horrible to wish for things you don't have, but I can't help at the prospect of having it all for my kids. For the two people who matter most in this world.
And David... He just doesn't understand. Our relationship has been rocky for years. I sacrificed friends for him because I know how much it hurt him that I made the poor decisions I did. Now I don't have them. And new friends? How can I possibly trust their loyalty? After all the hurt I've received from past friends.
"Get out and join a gym," he says. As if going to the gym alone, to spend money I don't really have, is going to really help me make friends that are acceptable to HIS standards. Sure, let me just befriend this nice guy who works out on the treadmill next to me. Surely, you won't feel threatened by that. How about that nice girl who uses the elliptical machine every day to stay fit enough to fit into cocktail dresses because she likes to go out to the bars every weekend? Does that sound like the appropriate friend to you?
Some days I feel so alone. The world is out there, but my world is far away from me. The one person I care about support from the most doesn't give me the kind of support I actually need.
I don't know what to do when I'm breaking. How do I pick myself up and continue on when it's like I'm running on a treadmill? I've been trying for months and getting nowhere fast.
A bit about myself as an introduction
I am writing these diary entries as it helps me a lot with coping, but also incase it will help anybody else who is wishing to relate or offer advice.
I suffer primarly from emetaphobia, panic disorder, panic attacks and anxiety disorder.
i also suffer from a type of social disorder, and ocd and other phobias such as needles.
I have been having help since the age of 6 and am developing to cope better with day to day life..
I have overcome anerexia, partly needles due to CBT, depression and small daily tasks i have been unable to do in the past such as public transport.
I am currently 21 years old and am completing a degree in university, i do not live at home but i am with my partner who is the most amazing person in the world and i love him dearly.
so this is a little about me
feel free to get in touch, i am more than happy to talk to people over chat :) and listen to anybody who would like to talk x
Day 4 of not crying and not laughing (when sober). I like to drink to take my mind off things, or do some worse stuff like self injury. It's not as bad as it sounds like. I do have a weird feeling, don't know if it's the depression, anxiety or stres...
Still waiting for the psychologist to call. It's all static in my mind. And my head hurts.
I have had 5 hospital/cardiologist visits due to what all of the doctors said had to be anxiety. I would get listless, dizzy, my chest would hurt... Thing is, this would slowly build up without me really being aware of it, until I was incapacitated. I finally had to start taking an SSRI which made it possible for me to avoid more ER visits. I have been taking an SSRI for nearly 20 years. I have tried to wean myself off the drugs but that has always resulted in near disaster at work and in relationships.
For me, pent up anxiety eventually explodes into rage.
I am also being treated for a mood disorder.
I do my best to control my environment and choose my battles with the anxiety.
I feel like I live on the wrong planet. I was bullied a lot and became a loaner at school. As a child I got along with senior best. I had very few friends, not very close and most of them were loaners too. I could not figure out how to act among other adolescents.
I can fake through most social situations and for gatherings for things I really liked I was comfortable, even becoming an organizer of related events. I prefer the company of women, they seemed to be more empathetic. I can be a bit more genuine. Most males get on my nerves with their false bravado.