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Saturday, 04 February 2017 05:41

At the end of my rope.

When I graduated from High School in 2012, I thought that my life would get a whole lot better. For the most part, it really has. I got the opportunity to be a Radio DJ when I was 17 back in 2011, and two years into being in Radio, I got to interview Kip Winger, who is a guy that I used to idolize as a child. He told me that I gave him the best interview he ever had, and I felt like I had died and went to heaven when he said that to me. Then a year later, another dream came true. I got to interview Mick Foley, Three-Time WWE Champion and Pro Wrestling Legend. Even though the interview didn't really go as I liked it to go, I got to interview a guy that I grew up watching on Monday Night RAW and SmackDown, and a guy who had been to the mountiantop in Pro Wrestling, WWE. Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted to do one thing and one thing only with my life, be in the Pro Wrestling Business, let alone WWE. In 2006, when I was 12, I joined YouTube and a year later, I began doing videos where I gave my opinion on certian things that happened in the Wrestling Business. I became well-known in grade and high school as the guy to go to for everything Pro Wrestling. I was the guy to go to for the inside info, who the champions was, the match outcomes, I was Pro Wrestling. 

 

In 2015, I joined a Classic Rock Station in my Hometown and started my show called Flashback Fridays. It wasn't long before my hometown fell in love with me and my show. I felt like I was on top of the world because I was finally famous, in a small town. Shortly after Flashback Fridays was created, I began to do what I used to do on YouTube, talking Pro Wrestling. I play my music and then before the end of the program, I talk Pro Wrestling News and Rumors and give my opinion on it, like how I did YouTube. The next thing I know, I get a message from a guy that works at the local television station in my hometown. He, like me, is a big Pro Wrestling fan, and he invited me to be on his online Pro Wrestling show to discuss WWE Extreme Rules 2016. I accepted, done the podcast, and felt as though I completed a major step in achieving my lifelong dream. Then, around Thanksgiving Season, it began to get real. 

 

I recieved another message from the guy from the local television station. This time, he invited me to be apart of a new Pro Wrestling Promotion that started in my hometown, and wanted me to commentate wrestling with him. I had to take it in, I couldn't believe it. Finally, after a decade of digging and clawing and dreaming, I had got my foot in the door. I made it. I was scheduled to make my debut on December 10. Five years ago on that date, I made my debut in Radio. It felt right.

 

I arrived at the arena at 11:30 in the morning and helped set up the ring and hand out tickets during a Christmas Parade. I was so happy and excited because I knew I was paying my dues. Then it was showtime. I was told that I would be ringing the bell, announcing the winners/time elapsed in matches, and playing entrance music. I had an issue with one wrestler of 20+ years who talked about me backstage pretty badly because I didn't ring the bell loud enough and because I played his entrance music after he won, even though I was told to play it. Shortly after that incident, I helped take down the ring and the promoter told me to come back. I felt as though everything was working out and I was on my path to being successful in Pro Wrestling. That was until a week or two later, when I had this conversation with the promoter:

 

12/27/2016 12:19AM

Promoter: U need to get your license

Me:That's the truth man, how do I get it? Do I apply online or do I have to fill out a form?

Promoter:Online send u link tomorrow Headed to bed later

Me:Oh okay man that sounds good, talk to you later man. If you watch WWE and was able to catch RAW, let me know what happened on it tomorrow because I couldn't watch it tonight

Promoter:Bro I don't watch that garbage

Me:It's all good man, it's been on a downhill slide for awhile, but they do have some fo the indie guys like Owens, Rollins, and Ambrose. You should watch New Japan when you get the chance, they're the best out there right now

Promoter:Bro litttle advice don't tell anyone u watch it or keep up with actual workers and old timers u meet will have no respect for u

Me:Thanks man, I know that to defiantly be true. There's a lot of people in the business that hates Vince with a passion. He did take down the territories and that was pretty shitty that he done that. I watched a lot of WCW growing up and WCW before 2000 was awesome.

 

Shortly after that conversation, I thought it was pretty strange that he would say that to me. That if I keep up with WWE and if people were to find out that I kept up with it, they would lose respect for me. Which I later found out to be a big lie. Later on that day, I announced to my follwers and friends that a Tag Team in the WWE called American Alpha had became the SmackDown Tag Team Champions. Shortly after I got the word out, I get another message from the promoter, below is the conversation:

 

12/27/2016 9:13PM

 

Promoter:Quit posting WWE posts

Me:Sorry about that man

Promoter:Listen reason is. It has nuttin to do with Vince. But if you're in the business u can no longer act like a fan. The wwe is now full of your peers not. Ppl to idealize. If you at like a fan then be a fan. Get what I mean

Me:Okay, I get what you're saying now. Now that I'm in the business, it's a whole new ballgame and it's a sacred thing. I guess where I've been a fan so long it's hard to forget that I'm in it now. It will pass and I'll adapt to it.

Promoter:Who's the worst nba team

Me:I think right now it's still the 76ers

Me:Yeah it's Philly, they're 7-23

Promoter:Do u think that 12th man on the 76ers bench. Watches and follows lbj. Buys his jersey and tweets about how great he is

Me:He dosen't.

Me:They're all wanting to be better than lbj.

Promoter:Because they are his what I'm the business

Promoter:In

Me:That's right man, just like in wrestling, everybody in sports wants to be the best. A lot will not reach the best, only the ones who have the mentality hunger and drive can make it there

Promoter:Yep. U also need help from old timers. Every time you act like a mark you shit on the old timers. They loose respect for you and won't help u

Me:That is totally the truth. I'm not a mark or a smark by all means. I really fucking love this business. It's what I want to do for the rest of my life. I will never shit on it my man. I know what you mean there. I was friends with a veteran in wrestling, but he passed away six years ago. His name was Jim White, he was the man

Promoter:Yeah I was at his funeral

Promoter:And there's no such thing as a snark

Promoter:Smark

Me:I'm sorry about that. Jim was an awesome guy, I wish I would have got to know him better. The smark thing is a myth?

12/27/2016 11:52PM

 

Promoter:Yep can't be smart to something and be a mark at the same time

Me:I never really thought about that before man

 

Shortly after this conversation, I told a friend of mine that works at another promotion and he was pissed. He couldn't believe that he said that. I then told him that I would be leaving this promotion for the one that he is at and he said that his promoter would be honored to have me. Sadly, I am unable to make it to any of the shows at the other promotion because I am 22 going on 23 with no Driver's Liscense, My mom's truck is a V8 and loves to guzzle gas, and plus my work schedule usually gets overloaded. I talked to another friend of mine that wrestled for 18 years that lives in Indiana and he told me that everything the promoter was saying to me wasn't true because he had been in the locker rooms at shows where former wrestling stars would be at and all the wrestlers would be lined up to shake their hand, and get pictures/autographs. He also told me that if I want to be succesful in this business, to leave the current promotion for the one that my friend works at. So that's what I done. 

 

2017 has already turned into the worst year of my life, and I thought last year was. We're not even a month in and My Dog of 15 years passes away, My Grandfather gets put in the hospital for pneumonia in his right lung, My mother gets sick with a fever, I'm not in good standing with the Classic Rock station that my show is broadcasted at, I'm in danger of being wrote up/fired at work, I haven't dated anyone since I was a Senior in High School and I'm almost 23 and still a virgin, One of my best friends just left work for another job, and now to top it all off, my friend from the other promotion decided to work for the promotion that I was at and took a photo with the promoter that said all those things to me and I know now that I can't and probably will never be able to make it in Pro Wrestling. The dream that I have had since I was a kid might not come true because of that asshole of a promoter. Why would I be directed to bust my ass for a decade just to be told I can't make it anymore? Just to be stopped at a dead end? There has to be something more, but I don't know what. I'm really at the end of my rope now. Everything that could go wrong in my life is going wrong, and now I feel like and I fear that I'll be stuck working my shitty job while everybody else enjoys the fruits of life. I just hope that God can get me out of this deep valley that I'm in, and help me reach the top of the mountian again. 

Published in Diary
Sunday, 12 June 2016 02:26

Hit the Diamond

I bet you can guess what I am watching right now.

Well today went really well. 

I talked to my aunt and uncle about everything thats been going on and asked them for help going back to Japan in a couple days. I feel like the exchange rate is never in my favor. Maybe it will change in the next week. 

Anyways

Cristina talked to me about square breathing, and self talk which seems to be helping in the small doses that I have been using them. 

Right now I am stressed about money. If I don't get the job I want then I am going to be super discouraged, let's be real. But I do have back up places I can to apply to. At this point I don't care if I am teaching again as long as I have a visa and a way to support myself. I will be going back with only a grand and I need to make that last through July so I will literally be living off of rice. Transportation can be such a bitch too. 

Trevor says to kick ass. I just gotta go do that. I am not really giving myself any option to fail. 

Published in Diary
Saturday, 26 March 2016 00:14

Panic attack

I don't think I have written in a diary since I was probably 12 years old. I grew up in South America. I saw so many things a child should never see. This caused some PTSD but I had no clue until I was an adult. I've struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. it was always manageable except for a brief time in my very early 20s. And now I'm 30 and having the most severe panic attacks I have ever had. It's hard to tell what triggered them. The migraines that all of a sudden started happening? Oh no! I must have an aneurism or a mass in my brain! … panic attack… or maybe it was when my blood work came back with high cholesterol? Oh no! I'm gonna have a heart attack any second now! I have to stop eating! I'm so hungry but I don't want to die!!… panic attack… chest is tight fingers tingling. That's it! I'm about to die!! … panic attack… and nobody understands. And I'm told it's all in my head and to just calm down…

Published in Diary
Friday, 27 February 2015 07:30

Too much

So basically,  this is all too much. I dont know what to do with myself. I feel shakey, disorientated and sick to my stomach so much of the time. I'm far away from home, in a place that is loud and intrusive. When people incade my space, I want to scream. Worst of all, im terrified of being discovered.  Nobody here knows that what im dealing with is a diagnosis and im terrified of snapping and being exposed as an anxiety sufferer and being misunderstood. I have all these fears and siclly feelings that I deal with every day and I dont know what to do. Help. Im terrified that ill snap and that I'll do something incredibly stupid and ruin my life while I'm over here. I feel that I have come close. I have annoyed and overwhelmed others with my emotions. I'm really scared now that I may blow it completely.

Published in Diary
Friday, 27 February 2015 07:30

Too much

So basically,  this is all too much. I dont know what to do with myself. I feel shakey, disorientated and sick to my stomach so much of the time. I'm far away from home, in a place that is loud and intrusive. When people incade my space, I want to scream. Worst of all, im terrified of being discovered.  Nobody here knows that what im dealing with is a diagnosis and im terrified of snapping and being exposed as an anxiety sufferer and being misunderstood. I have all these fears and siclly feelings that I deal with every day and I dont know what to do. Help. Im terrified that ill snap and that I'll do something incredibly stupid and ruin my life while I'm over here. I feel that I have come close. I have annoyed and overwhelmed others with my emotions. I'm really scared now that I may blow it completely.

Published in Diary
Saturday, 13 September 2014 08:48

Emotions...

So, yesterday I had sorta a breakdown. 
Or in my case a breakthrough. 

When it comes to it, I have had trouble expressing my emotions on so many levels most of my life. 
Yesterday though, I was thinking some things about my past... like the axe episodes. It made me cry. For once I felt more than just a empty hole about it. I actually reacted on a human level (which is rare for me). 

I have a lot of feelings bottled up probably, and I have had trouble expressing them. 
To me it's usualy best to pretend I don't have emotions, but truth is I got emotions. Shocker eh? Maybe not, but for me it was a breakthrough to recall something and cry about it. 
The fear, the anxiety, and crying. 
I was just like washing some cups and was like thinking about the scar above my eye (my father hit me there once and I got into child protection services). o_o
I think this was before I was into the child protection services, the axe episode with my father. o_o
Once when much younger I had a axe incident with my sister as well. 
First about my sister, when I was like 7-8 years old or something my sister told me she would kill me when she got in again. Fearfull I locked all the doors, even my mother couldn't get in. Then I opened the door when they were far enough away, then I went up and looked myself in my and my sisters room (we shared rooms, shocker)... so my sister went up to the room, I think she had a knife or something (she was like 9-10 years or something), and she demanded I opened the door. I refused, she went away and came back with a axe. started hitting at the door. Somehow it was resolved, but not through my parents (parents neglect I suppose). I remember thinking "I must have been crazy sharing room with someone who told me they would kill me". o_o
Then I was thinking about my father, he was angry about me not cleaning their plates from their dinner (we didn't actually eat food together). I used to make my own food and so did everyone else. My parents made food for themselves only so... they didn't clean after themselves and tried to force us to clean. I was the cleanest kid in the house, yet he tried to force me because I was in the house. First I barricaded the stairs and threw stuff if he tried coming up, then I locked myself in my room and blockaded it with my body. He got a axe and was hitting at the door, and I was like... it was scary. o_o

Thinking about these things I begun to cry a little, and I realized... sorta... somewhat... these things really affected me... I calmed myself down, thinking to myself "It's okay. It's fine. I don't live there anymore, I never am going to live there anymore. It's fine to cry." I decided to try to comfort myself like that, because hey... I need to let go of these things and move ahead. It's fine if I cry. I am not liviing like that anymore. I don't have to be afraid like, so... yeah, it's okay to cry. Right? 
I can cry on my own, and I am glad my feelings are begining to show... I feel like I have been frozen in a inhuman way just to get through, but in reality, it has affected my life so much...  even thinking about it now... it's fine to cry... 
It's human... I am human.... 
Even though my friend had violence and drinking parents as a kid, it was nothing compared to how I grew up. I almost lost my life will... I burried my emotions to get by, since I didn't have any friends really or anyone to trust. I just need to learn how to live again. I am not at fault for my childhood. o_o

Accepting that... accepting to cry... accepting my humanity... it's hard to deal with.
I understand why it has become so difficult to look back in my memories... there isn't much that make me happy there. It make me feel like coiling. :'(

My parents... I don't think I can ever face them again. 
Even though I was there this summer, I can't deal with them at all. I get panic, rage and worse anxiety if I ever meet them. I can live with meeting them a few days, but my father I can't deal with for more than some hours (or I get nosebleeds for some reason and a strange headache). o_o

I have been thinking... 

when I moved on my own before I was 20, I was happy even if I didn't get a job. I was trying to awaken myself as a person again, get the stone of my chest to live again. 
But then, I was fooled by my sister to move back to my "parents" until we found our own place to live... can I say it didn't go well. Right after that I begun experiencing sever headaches... I could barely eat, drink, I wasn't able to keep awake. I became frozen to my room... there was nothing around I wanted to deal with. o_o
I guess it is related to my anxiety... I developed migrains as a result of having to deal with them again, and the stress went to my head. Litterlay... o_o

Now I have to deal with migrains until I can find out how to live... it's not the migrains I guess, but the anxiety... If I can deal with the anxiety and move on with my life, I guess my headaches will perish as well. It's just a theory though. o_o


...
I am glad my feelings are starting to show properly again though. This means I am somehow starting to deal with it and reflecting over the wrongness I have been through. It's no wonder I feel depressed some days... Amnesia of my childhood... I hope I can keep it behind until I can live properly again. :'(

When I have learned enough about happy things, maybe I can deal more with the memories... so maybe in a few years, I will be able to remember my childhood again. Anxiety leading to memory loss probably sound weird... but my mind goes blank... some things have become so hard to remember, but I don't mind... I don't mind at all as long as I can live. I just need to get past this social anxiety that has taken a hold in me.

I remember how some of my friends called me strong and a inspiration as a kid, but really... they didn't know how much I suffered. I feel like a wrek right now. It will take a while to build up who I was after living through that. My confidence, my voice... everything really. I never gave in though, but I still feel like many things has been broken in me. Among them my capasity to show emotions. Another part of it is my trust in others... 

I have been alone all my life... 
Really, I wish there had been someone I could trust, maybe it wouldn't have been that bad then. :'(


I don't know how others will react upon this. 
I wonder how people I know would react if I told them this... really... what is my life? It feel so pointless. I got no support around me. I am trying so hard on my own. It's though... I am sick of being alone. sigh... sorry, but I guess sharing this here, make me feel a little better. 

I have been thinking... maybe I can celebrate christmass with my aunt... I don't wanna go to my parents at all.. I feel like I will choke and die if I go there again. My whole body feels turned inside out by the thought... or maybe celebrating christmas on my own would be fine. I just don't wanna go through that anxiety and stress again from my father... I can't deal with him at all.. :'(

Published in Diary
Thursday, 20 February 2014 22:37

It began again

Last night I beagan having that feeling i had expierenced since the start of last years summer. I went to bed with my wife and started feeling out of reality, losing my focus, feeling faint, and letting fear into my heart. My fear of dying and not being there for my child seems to always be haunting me. I began to Pray and read Psalms chapter 1-10. I'm not sure if King David ever felt like me but just like he did I put my Hope in My God. I don't take any anti-anxiety pills or have a therapist, I wonder sometimes why this happens to me or if I deserve it. God is there but he gave me common sense. I was lying in bed and tried going to sleep, as soon as i closed my eyes I could only hear my heart beating. I started to count the beats and soon it started beating faster. I started freaking out and almost had a full on attack but I stopped myself and said,"NO". I kept thinking about Isaiah 41:10 'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.' I believe these words with all my heart. I always remember what he has done in my life. When my mom went into cardiac arrest and fell into a coma, the doctors said she wasn't going to make it. That was the day I gave my life to Jesus. I remember I put my trust in him and knew everything was going to be fine. To the doctors surprise she recovered and  got better and now she is practically her old self. You wouldn't think she's been through that if you saw her. Now I always tell myself, "if God can bring your mom back from the dead, do you think he can't heal your problems? Do you think he can restore the chemicals in your brain to a perfect balance?" I know he can do it, In the end this whole expierence has brought me closer to him than I ever thought I would. I can't say the same for everyone out there, There are those who believe in God and those who rely on Science. I choose to believe in God and use my common Sense to excersise, eat healthy, and live a righteous life. I know My healing will come soon and I pray that everyone who suffers with the same expierence be healed as well. There is hope and I know I've expierenced thoughts of suicide. I ignore it because life still has a meaning and a purpose. I know my prayers will be answered and I will not be put to shame. Thank you Lord for the storm. I will stay Strong and continue on.

Published in Diary
Tuesday, 25 June 2013 21:53

Sleep Anxiety... Post #1 of my Journal

Last night I had a panic attack. I had spent the day barbecuing, drinking, and swimming with friends and at the end of the night, my boyfriend came over to spend the night.

We watched TV before we went to sleep. Even though I was the one who said I was tired, John was asleep in minutes. He began deep breathing/snoring which is common for him but before I knew it, I was in the beginnings of a panic attack.

After a minute or two of trying to prevent it, a full fledged panic attack overtook me.

I had to kick John out of my room, take a Xanax, and try not to throw up. Kicking John out of my bedroom was only because I tend to associate things with my panic attacks. If I get a panic attack while I'm doing something, I'll never do that something again, and obviously I don't want sleeping next to my boyfriend being something I try to avoid.

 

I had had a panic attack for the first time in weeks, maybe even months, three days earlier while on vacation. I ended up having to take two of my Xanax and throwing up. The next night I took a pill just in case-- before panic or anxiety could even begin. The night after that I was completley fine and slept in my apartment alone without any anxiety.

I don't understand why this happens to me. I had always been fearful of sleep situations as a child... I hated being by myself or being completely in the dark. I could never fall asleep before anyone at a sleepover for the fear they would wake me up. I have a fear of snoring or other sleep disturbances and these panic attack seriously take over my life.

 

I feel like no one understands what I'm going through and like it will never end.

Published in Diary
Thursday, 27 December 2012 03:14

Social Anxiety Blogger

"Too many of us are not living our dreams, because we are too busy living our fears." Les Brown


Recently, I started blogging about my social anxiety disorder. I also started posting some original songs online. 

My original thought - YIKES!

As someone who has suffered from severe social anxiety disorder since the age of 10, the idea of blogging about it seemed like an interesting dillemma. Yes - I would love to get my story out there, if only because I myself would have gained a lot from reading it when I was younger. But No - I can't put myself out there, everyone will judge me, and who am I to think that anyone will care, people will just think I'm full of it and be annoyed.

At the end of the day, probably very few people will even know that it's out there. Yes, a lot of my friends have been suddenly enlightened to the fact that this disorder even exists, but on the upside, they now understand why I usually have an excuse not to go to their parties, and maybe, just maybe one or two of them have recognised the same traits in themselves and may look at others in a new light.

I am a singer, and I love to sing and write music, but until this past month, I have NEVER let anyone hear what I write, let alone put it online for all to access. I guess though, that I've come to a point where I've managed to conquer the worst of the social part of my anxiety (through years of intensive CBT sessions), and am now using blogging as a tool to keep myself moving forward, to chase my dreams and to actually do things that make me happy, and (try) not to care what anyone else thinks. After all, we all have hobbies and weird things that make us happy, so why should I have to keep mine hidden when everyone else is out there doing what they do?

I'm certainly not saying that I intend to be famous - I actually dread that - I think I dread success from my music (and now the little voice in my head is saying - "you narcissistic arrogant girl to even be contemplating such an outcome).

So my blogs on this fabulous site, will be about how I'm coping on my journey to finally achieve my dreams in spite of anxiety and panic.

Would love to have feedback on wether anyone else out there is getting anything postive from what I write, but at the same time, that's not the reason I'm doing this. 

xx

www.jessicaclaire.webs.com 

Published in Anxiety General Blog
Thursday, 01 November 2012 19:55

Sometimes I really can't stop thinking.

Wide awake. Without sleep for over 24 hours, yet for some reason both my body and mind are restless. 
I’ve been thinking.
Reconsidering everything I’ve ever though or decided. In a state of unease, almost terrified at my predictions of what the day will bring me.
Sometimes this happens— no, correction: This often happens. My thoughts become a never-ending labyrinth. Usually, this comes when I have woken in terror, and I am left in a haze of emotions and possibilities. Emotions that I have not yet learned to control. Possibilities in my life that I haven’t the strength to reach out and snatch. 
Everything I could potentially wonder, I do. I sit there and wonder, frustrated with my usual lack of answers. Do I even need answers? Are there really puzzles I need to solve, or is this confusion an illusion? All I can ever come up with is a big, “MAYBE.”
It can be a battle. Never can I stick with simple contentedness, and especially with life cascading toward me as if I am facing a blizzard head-on. There is a smile reserved to put forth the facade that everything is fine, but when has it ever been? With all honesty, I’m always in misery for one reason or another. How do I make it stop?
I cannot find the solution. 
Occasionally I fear I will search to fix myself my whole life; that the journey will be unbearable and impossible like reaching the end of a rainbow. The rest of the time, I worry my emotions will never be in check.
One would claim me depressed. Socially anxious. An introvert. Impulsive. In my mind, I figure as long as I make myself function, how can that be said? Some days I choose to stay in a mental fog by myself, left to my thoughts despite the misery that comes with them. Often I’ll just wait until I’m allowed those hours of lonesomeness, and really sit there and think.
My biggest fear is that I will be alone in life because of my issues. Friends have come and gone, proving only to me how quiet I should keep my problems. Because who really cares besides myself how fucked up it is to be in my head? Nobody. Doctors feign sincerity with a prescription to make me manageable. People will promise their confidence to abandon it for something interesting to talk about. It’s been hard for me to truly open up to another because I don’t know who and who not to trust. I constantly wish I had a trust detector that would allow me to pass someone and it would tell me how trustworthy they are. 
I want to be freed from this cage of distrust and fear. I’m nearly sick to the thought of possibility. Going insane in attempt to mask my sadness day by say. Wide awake, and no hope of sleep until tomorrow.

Published in Diary
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