Last night I beagan having that feeling i had expierenced since the start of last years summer. I went to bed with my wife and started feeling out of reality, losing my focus, feeling faint, and letting fear into my heart. My fear of dying and not being there for my child seems to always be haunting me. I began to Pray and read Psalms chapter 1-10. I'm not sure if King David ever felt like me but just like he did I put my Hope in My God. I don't take any anti-anxiety pills or have a therapist, I wonder sometimes why this happens to me or if I deserve it. God is there but he gave me common sense. I was lying in bed and tried going to sleep, as soon as i closed my eyes I could only hear my heart beating. I started to count the beats and soon it started beating faster. I started freaking out and almost had a full on attack but I stopped myself and said,"NO". I kept thinking about Isaiah 41:10 'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.' I believe these words with all my heart. I always remember what he has done in my life. When my mom went into cardiac arrest and fell into a coma, the doctors said she wasn't going to make it. That was the day I gave my life to Jesus. I remember I put my trust in him and knew everything was going to be fine. To the doctors surprise she recovered and got better and now she is practically her old self. You wouldn't think she's been through that if you saw her. Now I always tell myself, "if God can bring your mom back from the dead, do you think he can't heal your problems? Do you think he can restore the chemicals in your brain to a perfect balance?" I know he can do it, In the end this whole expierence has brought me closer to him than I ever thought I would. I can't say the same for everyone out there, There are those who believe in God and those who rely on Science. I choose to believe in God and use my common Sense to excersise, eat healthy, and live a righteous life. I know My healing will come soon and I pray that everyone who suffers with the same expierence be healed as well. There is hope and I know I've expierenced thoughts of suicide. I ignore it because life still has a meaning and a purpose. I know my prayers will be answered and I will not be put to shame. Thank you Lord for the storm. I will stay Strong and continue on.
Last night I had a panic attack. I had spent the day barbecuing, drinking, and swimming with friends and at the end of the night, my boyfriend came over to spend the night.
We watched TV before we went to sleep. Even though I was the one who said I was tired, John was asleep in minutes. He began deep breathing/snoring which is common for him but before I knew it, I was in the beginnings of a panic attack.
After a minute or two of trying to prevent it, a full fledged panic attack overtook me.
I had to kick John out of my room, take a Xanax, and try not to throw up. Kicking John out of my bedroom was only because I tend to associate things with my panic attacks. If I get a panic attack while I'm doing something, I'll never do that something again, and obviously I don't want sleeping next to my boyfriend being something I try to avoid.
I had had a panic attack for the first time in weeks, maybe even months, three days earlier while on vacation. I ended up having to take two of my Xanax and throwing up. The next night I took a pill just in case-- before panic or anxiety could even begin. The night after that I was completley fine and slept in my apartment alone without any anxiety.
I don't understand why this happens to me. I had always been fearful of sleep situations as a child... I hated being by myself or being completely in the dark. I could never fall asleep before anyone at a sleepover for the fear they would wake me up. I have a fear of snoring or other sleep disturbances and these panic attack seriously take over my life.
I feel like no one understands what I'm going through and like it will never end.
"Too many of us are not living our dreams, because we are too busy living our fears." Les Brown
Recently, I started blogging about my social anxiety disorder. I also started posting some original songs online.
My original thought - YIKES!
As someone who has suffered from severe social anxiety disorder since the age of 10, the idea of blogging about it seemed like an interesting dillemma. Yes - I would love to get my story out there, if only because I myself would have gained a lot from reading it when I was younger. But No - I can't put myself out there, everyone will judge me, and who am I to think that anyone will care, people will just think I'm full of it and be annoyed.
At the end of the day, probably very few people will even know that it's out there. Yes, a lot of my friends have been suddenly enlightened to the fact that this disorder even exists, but on the upside, they now understand why I usually have an excuse not to go to their parties, and maybe, just maybe one or two of them have recognised the same traits in themselves and may look at others in a new light.
I am a singer, and I love to sing and write music, but until this past month, I have NEVER let anyone hear what I write, let alone put it online for all to access. I guess though, that I've come to a point where I've managed to conquer the worst of the social part of my anxiety (through years of intensive CBT sessions), and am now using blogging as a tool to keep myself moving forward, to chase my dreams and to actually do things that make me happy, and (try) not to care what anyone else thinks. After all, we all have hobbies and weird things that make us happy, so why should I have to keep mine hidden when everyone else is out there doing what they do?
I'm certainly not saying that I intend to be famous - I actually dread that - I think I dread success from my music (and now the little voice in my head is saying - "you narcissistic arrogant girl to even be contemplating such an outcome).
So my blogs on this fabulous site, will be about how I'm coping on my journey to finally achieve my dreams in spite of anxiety and panic.
Would love to have feedback on wether anyone else out there is getting anything postive from what I write, but at the same time, that's not the reason I'm doing this.
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