Saturday, 13 September 2014 08:48

Emotions...

So, yesterday I had sorta a breakdown. 
Or in my case a breakthrough. 

When it comes to it, I have had trouble expressing my emotions on so many levels most of my life. 
Yesterday though, I was thinking some things about my past... like the axe episodes. It made me cry. For once I felt more than just a empty hole about it. I actually reacted on a human level (which is rare for me). 

I have a lot of feelings bottled up probably, and I have had trouble expressing them. 
To me it's usualy best to pretend I don't have emotions, but truth is I got emotions. Shocker eh? Maybe not, but for me it was a breakthrough to recall something and cry about it. 
The fear, the anxiety, and crying. 
I was just like washing some cups and was like thinking about the scar above my eye (my father hit me there once and I got into child protection services). o_o
I think this was before I was into the child protection services, the axe episode with my father. o_o
Once when much younger I had a axe incident with my sister as well. 
First about my sister, when I was like 7-8 years old or something my sister told me she would kill me when she got in again. Fearfull I locked all the doors, even my mother couldn't get in. Then I opened the door when they were far enough away, then I went up and looked myself in my and my sisters room (we shared rooms, shocker)... so my sister went up to the room, I think she had a knife or something (she was like 9-10 years or something), and she demanded I opened the door. I refused, she went away and came back with a axe. started hitting at the door. Somehow it was resolved, but not through my parents (parents neglect I suppose). I remember thinking "I must have been crazy sharing room with someone who told me they would kill me". o_o
Then I was thinking about my father, he was angry about me not cleaning their plates from their dinner (we didn't actually eat food together). I used to make my own food and so did everyone else. My parents made food for themselves only so... they didn't clean after themselves and tried to force us to clean. I was the cleanest kid in the house, yet he tried to force me because I was in the house. First I barricaded the stairs and threw stuff if he tried coming up, then I locked myself in my room and blockaded it with my body. He got a axe and was hitting at the door, and I was like... it was scary. o_o

Thinking about these things I begun to cry a little, and I realized... sorta... somewhat... these things really affected me... I calmed myself down, thinking to myself "It's okay. It's fine. I don't live there anymore, I never am going to live there anymore. It's fine to cry." I decided to try to comfort myself like that, because hey... I need to let go of these things and move ahead. It's fine if I cry. I am not liviing like that anymore. I don't have to be afraid like, so... yeah, it's okay to cry. Right? 
I can cry on my own, and I am glad my feelings are begining to show... I feel like I have been frozen in a inhuman way just to get through, but in reality, it has affected my life so much...  even thinking about it now... it's fine to cry... 
It's human... I am human.... 
Even though my friend had violence and drinking parents as a kid, it was nothing compared to how I grew up. I almost lost my life will... I burried my emotions to get by, since I didn't have any friends really or anyone to trust. I just need to learn how to live again. I am not at fault for my childhood. o_o

Accepting that... accepting to cry... accepting my humanity... it's hard to deal with.
I understand why it has become so difficult to look back in my memories... there isn't much that make me happy there. It make me feel like coiling. :'(

My parents... I don't think I can ever face them again. 
Even though I was there this summer, I can't deal with them at all. I get panic, rage and worse anxiety if I ever meet them. I can live with meeting them a few days, but my father I can't deal with for more than some hours (or I get nosebleeds for some reason and a strange headache). o_o

I have been thinking... 

when I moved on my own before I was 20, I was happy even if I didn't get a job. I was trying to awaken myself as a person again, get the stone of my chest to live again. 
But then, I was fooled by my sister to move back to my "parents" until we found our own place to live... can I say it didn't go well. Right after that I begun experiencing sever headaches... I could barely eat, drink, I wasn't able to keep awake. I became frozen to my room... there was nothing around I wanted to deal with. o_o
I guess it is related to my anxiety... I developed migrains as a result of having to deal with them again, and the stress went to my head. Litterlay... o_o

Now I have to deal with migrains until I can find out how to live... it's not the migrains I guess, but the anxiety... If I can deal with the anxiety and move on with my life, I guess my headaches will perish as well. It's just a theory though. o_o


...
I am glad my feelings are starting to show properly again though. This means I am somehow starting to deal with it and reflecting over the wrongness I have been through. It's no wonder I feel depressed some days... Amnesia of my childhood... I hope I can keep it behind until I can live properly again. :'(

When I have learned enough about happy things, maybe I can deal more with the memories... so maybe in a few years, I will be able to remember my childhood again. Anxiety leading to memory loss probably sound weird... but my mind goes blank... some things have become so hard to remember, but I don't mind... I don't mind at all as long as I can live. I just need to get past this social anxiety that has taken a hold in me.

I remember how some of my friends called me strong and a inspiration as a kid, but really... they didn't know how much I suffered. I feel like a wrek right now. It will take a while to build up who I was after living through that. My confidence, my voice... everything really. I never gave in though, but I still feel like many things has been broken in me. Among them my capasity to show emotions. Another part of it is my trust in others... 

I have been alone all my life... 
Really, I wish there had been someone I could trust, maybe it wouldn't have been that bad then. :'(


I don't know how others will react upon this. 
I wonder how people I know would react if I told them this... really... what is my life? It feel so pointless. I got no support around me. I am trying so hard on my own. It's though... I am sick of being alone. sigh... sorry, but I guess sharing this here, make me feel a little better. 

I have been thinking... maybe I can celebrate christmass with my aunt... I don't wanna go to my parents at all.. I feel like I will choke and die if I go there again. My whole body feels turned inside out by the thought... or maybe celebrating christmas on my own would be fine. I just don't wanna go through that anxiety and stress again from my father... I can't deal with him at all.. :'(

Published in Diary
Thursday, 20 February 2014 22:37

It began again

Last night I beagan having that feeling i had expierenced since the start of last years summer. I went to bed with my wife and started feeling out of reality, losing my focus, feeling faint, and letting fear into my heart. My fear of dying and not being there for my child seems to always be haunting me. I began to Pray and read Psalms chapter 1-10. I'm not sure if King David ever felt like me but just like he did I put my Hope in My God. I don't take any anti-anxiety pills or have a therapist, I wonder sometimes why this happens to me or if I deserve it. God is there but he gave me common sense. I was lying in bed and tried going to sleep, as soon as i closed my eyes I could only hear my heart beating. I started to count the beats and soon it started beating faster. I started freaking out and almost had a full on attack but I stopped myself and said,"NO". I kept thinking about Isaiah 41:10 'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.' I believe these words with all my heart. I always remember what he has done in my life. When my mom went into cardiac arrest and fell into a coma, the doctors said she wasn't going to make it. That was the day I gave my life to Jesus. I remember I put my trust in him and knew everything was going to be fine. To the doctors surprise she recovered and  got better and now she is practically her old self. You wouldn't think she's been through that if you saw her. Now I always tell myself, "if God can bring your mom back from the dead, do you think he can't heal your problems? Do you think he can restore the chemicals in your brain to a perfect balance?" I know he can do it, In the end this whole expierence has brought me closer to him than I ever thought I would. I can't say the same for everyone out there, There are those who believe in God and those who rely on Science. I choose to believe in God and use my common Sense to excersise, eat healthy, and live a righteous life. I know My healing will come soon and I pray that everyone who suffers with the same expierence be healed as well. There is hope and I know I've expierenced thoughts of suicide. I ignore it because life still has a meaning and a purpose. I know my prayers will be answered and I will not be put to shame. Thank you Lord for the storm. I will stay Strong and continue on.

Published in Diary
Tuesday, 25 June 2013 21:53

Sleep Anxiety... Post #1 of my Journal

Last night I had a panic attack. I had spent the day barbecuing, drinking, and swimming with friends and at the end of the night, my boyfriend came over to spend the night.

We watched TV before we went to sleep. Even though I was the one who said I was tired, John was asleep in minutes. He began deep breathing/snoring which is common for him but before I knew it, I was in the beginnings of a panic attack.

After a minute or two of trying to prevent it, a full fledged panic attack overtook me.

I had to kick John out of my room, take a Xanax, and try not to throw up. Kicking John out of my bedroom was only because I tend to associate things with my panic attacks. If I get a panic attack while I'm doing something, I'll never do that something again, and obviously I don't want sleeping next to my boyfriend being something I try to avoid.

 

I had had a panic attack for the first time in weeks, maybe even months, three days earlier while on vacation. I ended up having to take two of my Xanax and throwing up. The next night I took a pill just in case-- before panic or anxiety could even begin. The night after that I was completley fine and slept in my apartment alone without any anxiety.

I don't understand why this happens to me. I had always been fearful of sleep situations as a child... I hated being by myself or being completely in the dark. I could never fall asleep before anyone at a sleepover for the fear they would wake me up. I have a fear of snoring or other sleep disturbances and these panic attack seriously take over my life.

 

I feel like no one understands what I'm going through and like it will never end.

Published in Diary
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