Anxiety Disorder, intrusive thoughts, irrational fears. Incredibly annoying things to experience. Despite the immense inconvenience and worry that it is giving me, my experience with anxiety made me realize something profound.
Before anxiety, I have struggled with depression. As a young teeneager I became so desolate at some points that I had attempted to end my life several times. I hated everything about me, I was in denial about my sexuality, I was afraid to befriend girls cause god help me if I'll have a crush on them.
Fortuntely, I managed to reflect on my thoughts and actions, I knew it wasn't right. I wanted to be happy, or at least less miserable. So I started to think, what can I do to stop being miserable?
And from then on I managed to reduce my depressive episodes, I forgave people who bullied me, and learned to let go of bad feelings, I still had depressive episodes but I was less suicidal.
Everything was alright, or at least better than ever for some years. I got my degree and made good friends in college. I even like myself now.
Unfortunately, due to a cup of coffee with an extra kick, I had a panic attack and had anticipatory anxiety which was accompanied by worry and obsessive thinking blah blah blah. And I became afraid like I've never been before in my life.
So the profound thing that I realize. I just want to be well, compared to my experience with depression, my anxiety isn't rooted from self-hate or destruction, I just want to be well. That's it.
I am still working on it, I am hopeful, it's just difficult sometimes but life goes on.
Have been very anxious and depressed without seemingly to be able to control it. Prayer and meditation help alot, but medications so far have not been working out or have given me bad side effects so get off of them after a few weeks or even a few days. Palpitations, suddenly waking in the night out of a sound sleep, heart pounding...it's getting very old VERY fast. Tired of the fears and persistent thoughts of dying. Tired of the dizzyness, weakness and fatigue. Tired of the gastrointestinal problems, constipation then diarrea, cramping, gas pain, reflux and globus feeling. Just tired. Frustrated.
So Monday morning.
Work with a headache, feeling tired.
Anxiety is high - fears of heart attack or losing my mind.
Derealisation is high - world is very unreal / surreal.
Pluses - I am at work.I have felt...worse. Just need to accept this as normal and try not to fight it....