It's 12:27 p.m. My throat feels weird I'm trying to eat a banana, I guess it's my fear of choking. Can't tell if it's my anxiety or maybe a food allergy.
I have been experiencing panic attacks since March of 2014. I had my first panic attack while sitting in my car, on a break at work. I was doing something innocuous like checking Facebook, and it hit me out of no where. My heart was racing, breathing was difficult, I was dizzy and felt like my head was 'in a bubble'. I remember clawing at my collar bone, feeling as if there was something there restricting my breath. I went back into work and continued my day through the feelings which came in waves. For the next 4 days I trudged through those feelings, thinking I was getting sick with a cold or something. I even tried taking a cold medication thinking it was mucous in my lungs making me feel like I couldn't breath. Taking this medication actually made me feel worse; I started panicing about taking a pill, and my symptoms worsened. I also had a severe stabbing pain in my left shoulder blade, and I managed to find one random website online that indicated that that could be a symptom of a heart attack. This only made me panic more, and again, my symptoms worsened. I still had not at this point even thought that I was experiencing a panic attack. Finally, when I could not walk more than 10 feet without having to sit down due to being dizzy and out of breath, I paniced, called my husband to come home from work, and went to Urgent Care (I did not have insurance at the time and did not want to pay out of pocket for something I was sure would pass). I was doubled over in the waiting room, convinced that I was going to pass out. The nurse came out and took my blood oxygen level, and I was fully oxygenated. I finally met with a doctor, who told me I was having a four day long panic attack and perscribed Xanax. My husband and I picked up dinner on the way home and I sat, staring at the pill, crying because I was so scared, until I finally took it. I felt 150% better. Everything was beautiful, I was on a fucking cloud lmao! It really did wonders.
Since that attack, I've had one almost on the dot every other Wednseday, with a few peppered in between. I have many mini ones as well where it feels as if a wave of anxiety hits me and then passes within a few minutes but they are not as severe as the heart racing, can't focus on anything else attacks. The mini ones are usually triggered by a pain in my chest on various sides, usually attributable to gas or muscle spasms (but that doesn't stop the panic, does it?). I try now to just recognize them as Panic Attacks and let them pass but it's not always easy. I also found a questionnaire online that I fill out everytime I'm in the midst of an attack. This helps me notice patterns and inconsistencies in my symptoms as well as helps me accuratly monitor the frequency of my attacks and mini attacks.
So, yesterday I had sorta a breakdown.
Or in my case a breakthrough.
When it comes to it, I have had trouble expressing my emotions on so many levels most of my life.
Yesterday though, I was thinking some things about my past... like the axe episodes. It made me cry. For once I felt more than just a empty hole about it. I actually reacted on a human level (which is rare for me).
I have a lot of feelings bottled up probably, and I have had trouble expressing them.
To me it's usualy best to pretend I don't have emotions, but truth is I got emotions. Shocker eh? Maybe not, but for me it was a breakthrough to recall something and cry about it.
The fear, the anxiety, and crying.
I was just like washing some cups and was like thinking about the scar above my eye (my father hit me there once and I got into child protection services). o_o
I think this was before I was into the child protection services, the axe episode with my father. o_o
Once when much younger I had a axe incident with my sister as well.
First about my sister, when I was like 7-8 years old or something my sister told me she would kill me when she got in again. Fearfull I locked all the doors, even my mother couldn't get in. Then I opened the door when they were far enough away, then I went up and looked myself in my and my sisters room (we shared rooms, shocker)... so my sister went up to the room, I think she had a knife or something (she was like 9-10 years or something), and she demanded I opened the door. I refused, she went away and came back with a axe. started hitting at the door. Somehow it was resolved, but not through my parents (parents neglect I suppose). I remember thinking "I must have been crazy sharing room with someone who told me they would kill me". o_o
Then I was thinking about my father, he was angry about me not cleaning their plates from their dinner (we didn't actually eat food together). I used to make my own food and so did everyone else. My parents made food for themselves only so... they didn't clean after themselves and tried to force us to clean. I was the cleanest kid in the house, yet he tried to force me because I was in the house. First I barricaded the stairs and threw stuff if he tried coming up, then I locked myself in my room and blockaded it with my body. He got a axe and was hitting at the door, and I was like... it was scary. o_o
Thinking about these things I begun to cry a little, and I realized... sorta... somewhat... these things really affected me... I calmed myself down, thinking to myself "It's okay. It's fine. I don't live there anymore, I never am going to live there anymore. It's fine to cry." I decided to try to comfort myself like that, because hey... I need to let go of these things and move ahead. It's fine if I cry. I am not liviing like that anymore. I don't have to be afraid like, so... yeah, it's okay to cry. Right?
I can cry on my own, and I am glad my feelings are begining to show... I feel like I have been frozen in a inhuman way just to get through, but in reality, it has affected my life so much... even thinking about it now... it's fine to cry...
It's human... I am human....
Even though my friend had violence and drinking parents as a kid, it was nothing compared to how I grew up. I almost lost my life will... I burried my emotions to get by, since I didn't have any friends really or anyone to trust. I just need to learn how to live again. I am not at fault for my childhood. o_o
Accepting that... accepting to cry... accepting my humanity... it's hard to deal with.
I understand why it has become so difficult to look back in my memories... there isn't much that make me happy there. It make me feel like coiling. :'(
My parents... I don't think I can ever face them again.
Even though I was there this summer, I can't deal with them at all. I get panic, rage and worse anxiety if I ever meet them. I can live with meeting them a few days, but my father I can't deal with for more than some hours (or I get nosebleeds for some reason and a strange headache). o_o
I have been thinking...
when I moved on my own before I was 20, I was happy even if I didn't get a job. I was trying to awaken myself as a person again, get the stone of my chest to live again.
But then, I was fooled by my sister to move back to my "parents" until we found our own place to live... can I say it didn't go well. Right after that I begun experiencing sever headaches... I could barely eat, drink, I wasn't able to keep awake. I became frozen to my room... there was nothing around I wanted to deal with. o_o
I guess it is related to my anxiety... I developed migrains as a result of having to deal with them again, and the stress went to my head. Litterlay... o_o
Now I have to deal with migrains until I can find out how to live... it's not the migrains I guess, but the anxiety... If I can deal with the anxiety and move on with my life, I guess my headaches will perish as well. It's just a theory though. o_o
I am glad my feelings are starting to show properly again though. This means I am somehow starting to deal with it and reflecting over the wrongness I have been through. It's no wonder I feel depressed some days... Amnesia of my childhood... I hope I can keep it behind until I can live properly again. :'(
When I have learned enough about happy things, maybe I can deal more with the memories... so maybe in a few years, I will be able to remember my childhood again. Anxiety leading to memory loss probably sound weird... but my mind goes blank... some things have become so hard to remember, but I don't mind... I don't mind at all as long as I can live. I just need to get past this social anxiety that has taken a hold in me.
I remember how some of my friends called me strong and a inspiration as a kid, but really... they didn't know how much I suffered. I feel like a wrek right now. It will take a while to build up who I was after living through that. My confidence, my voice... everything really. I never gave in though, but I still feel like many things has been broken in me. Among them my capasity to show emotions. Another part of it is my trust in others...
I have been alone all my life...
Really, I wish there had been someone I could trust, maybe it wouldn't have been that bad then. :'(
I don't know how others will react upon this.
I wonder how people I know would react if I told them this... really... what is my life? It feel so pointless. I got no support around me. I am trying so hard on my own. It's though... I am sick of being alone. sigh... sorry, but I guess sharing this here, make me feel a little better.
I have been thinking... maybe I can celebrate christmass with my aunt... I don't wanna go to my parents at all.. I feel like I will choke and die if I go there again. My whole body feels turned inside out by the thought... or maybe celebrating christmas on my own would be fine. I just don't wanna go through that anxiety and stress again from my father... I can't deal with him at all.. :'(