I wanted to tell at least one of my friends that I might be trans, and I am friends with them on Facebook, so I went to see their pages to see if they support the LGBT community. I found out that one of them is Pangender. It took me quite a while to have the courage to message him that I thought he would understand, and I didn't know how the others would feel about it, but I feel like I might be trans. He replied that there are probably more people who would understand than I think. Then, he suggested that we should meet out for coffee or something. However, we haven't scheduled a day and time. It has been a few days I haven't heard back from him. I asked him when he is available, but he didn't respond. I saw that he had seen the message. My anxiety is telling me that he decided he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I have all these negative thoughts and images running through my mind. Maybe he thinks I am weird for going on his page and look at the "about" section of his page. Maybe I scared him and he's now worried what the others think of him. But, I am trying to remind myself that he could be really busy, and I am also trying to push those worries out of my mind. Although I can't help obsess and check Facebook every day to see if he got back to me. I hope I don't sound odd or strange.
This question, and many others, have plagued me for quite some time. Yet, I cant help but think to myself maybe (just maybe) I'm not the only one?
While most of this happens in my own life. I can't even begin to put into words how terribly lonely it all can be. As I have spent an obscene amount of time isolated and alone.
So yeah about a week ago I had to "break up" with my best friend. She also has OCD and the two of us struggled to find a medium. We got along SO well, we could do anything together and it would feel perfect, videogames, art, just anything boring would be a blast. But in the past three or four months she responded less and less to my calls. She got upset with me more often. She told me she didn't like certain things I did, but that's just me. I don't know hoe to change those things.
She invited me out to eat recently, but half way through our Panera her true reason for wanting to get together appeared. "I feel this isn't working," she told me bluntly (which I know is hard for her) "but I don't know what to do."
I totally understand her. I'd talked to her about my feelings earlier and it didn't go over so well. We both promised to change, but I felt I was the only one trying. I'm very extroverted, she's extremely introverted. During my panic attacks I need people, during hers she locks herself away. She just couldn't bring herself to overcome her OCD for me. I tried to overcome mine, but I'm not sure how well I did.
We agreed to try to talk less (sucumbing to her OCD tendancies of being alone), but for a whole week anger swelled in me. At her. At me. At OCD. I wrote countless letters to her, only to be shreaded. I wrote out paragraphs in imessage, but never sent them. I fllled a whole sketch book with people in the fetal position. I don't do well with this kind of stuff. Finally I called her. I said "This just won't work. I can't give you what you need and you can't give me what I need. I don't think we should be friends anymore." She barely seemed upset. "Do some crunches. Crunches will make you feel better." Where had my friend gone? So I felt I had done the right thing.
I took down all the sketches she'd made of the two of us, all the pictures of us at the mall or laughing on the floor and the bobble head she'd given me. They just reminded me of her. I feel so pathetic. But I don't know what else to do than to put my feelings somewhere. So sorry if this was too melencholy. Maybe I need to smash some pumpkins. Haha... I'm so punny.