Thursday, 30 April 2015 03:55

Opening up

Today I somehow got lead to opening up to a friend about my past. I regret it immensily now because I really don't like how many people know about things right now. It's frustrating to me how I can't keep my mouth shut. I always end up talking about these things when I really know I am going to deeply regret it later on. I wish I could be one of those strong individuals who can keep things inside and be able to not have to talk about their problems to everyone but to only one or two people. I mean that's how it should be really. But here I am blabbing to every person who is willing to listen and later, I go back home and start freaking out about all that I just said and how stupid I must have sounded and weak and pathetic. I mean they are all really nice about it but still. Just because they appear to me so understanding and friendly doesn't necessarily mean they are actually thinking that within themselves. They must be feeling so grateful they're not me and I hate that pity look. I don't need your pity. I don't ask for anyone's pity. Man... when will I ever learn to just shut the hell up. 

And it hurt hearing her say, "Yeah, I've realized you do over analyze things." God, why can't I just SHUT UP?!


P.S. Just shut up, okay? Thanks.

Published in Diary
Sunday, 05 April 2015 17:54

Why I am here and why I feel like I do

Since I am new to the site, I wanted to share a little entry of why I am here.


When I go around the site, the first thing that comes to my mind is that I feel like a scam. Why? To be honest, I haven't been diagnosed with anything. I don't get prescription, I don't see a therapist or a doctor and I have no diagnosis on the record. So why am I here? Well, it is like when you pick teams at a game of football - you don't need a person to tell you which team you belong to, especially if you're the last one to be picked. But don't worry, that scam thing doesn't bother me, it's very real to me.

Anyways, I have been dealing with this all my life. It is called Separation Anxiety Disorder. Now if I couldn't put a name on it or if a doctor would tell me I didn't have this, I'd put it in a different way - I am having an extremely tough time dealing with people I care about, I fear they don't care about me, that they're just looking for an excuse to leave me or that the only reason why they stick around is because I do everything the right way, being perfect. This puts me in a very paradoxical state of mind; I feel like running all the time, but the very thing I run away from, I can't let go.

At the moment I am having one of my better periods. How do I know? Because my anxiety at the moment is centered around just one thing - my best friend. I have managed to seperate (there are fall backs) the negative thoughts I have from the reality I am living in. Which makes my everyday life quite nice. But my best friend is the source of all the anxiety right now. Which isn't fun, because I really love her and I want to spend my time with her, don't want to waste it and jsut enjoy life. But that is really tough, it's getting better, but my heart races everytime she writes me.


I could go into more details, but that might be for another time. So just to sum it all up: I have separation anxiety, it is centered around my friend (currently), but I am in one of my better periods and I can definitely see it getting better.

Next time I might write about my not so good periods and what I have experienced. Have a nice day :)

Published in Diary
Monday, 03 February 2014 19:11

Losing Your Best Friend

So yeah about a week ago I had to "break up" with my best friend. She also has OCD and the two of us struggled to find a medium. We got along SO well, we could do anything together and it would feel perfect, videogames, art, just anything boring would be a blast. But in the past three or four months she responded less and less to my calls. She got upset with me more often. She told me she didn't like certain things I did, but that's just me. I don't know hoe to change those things. 

She invited me out to eat recently, but half way through our Panera her true reason for wanting to get together appeared. "I feel this isn't working," she told me bluntly (which I know is hard for her) "but I don't know what to do."

I totally understand her. I'd talked to her about my feelings earlier and it didn't go over so well. We both promised to change, but I felt I was the only one trying. I'm very extroverted, she's extremely introverted. During my panic attacks I need people, during hers she locks herself away. She just couldn't bring herself to overcome her OCD for me. I tried to overcome mine, but I'm not sure how well I did.

We agreed to try to talk less (sucumbing to her OCD tendancies of being alone), but for a whole week anger swelled in me. At her. At me. At OCD. I wrote countless letters to her, only to be shreaded. I wrote out paragraphs in imessage, but never sent them. I fllled a whole sketch book with people in the fetal position. I don't do well with this kind of stuff. Finally I called her. I said "This just won't work. I can't give you what you need and you can't give me what I need. I don't think we should be friends anymore." She barely seemed upset. "Do some crunches. Crunches will make you feel better." Where had my friend gone? So I felt I had done the right thing. 

I took down all the sketches she'd made of the two of us, all the pictures of us at the mall or laughing on the floor and the bobble head she'd given me. They just reminded me of her. I feel so pathetic. But I don't know what else to do than to put my feelings somewhere. So sorry if this was too melencholy. Maybe I need to smash some pumpkins. Haha... I'm so punny.

Published in Diary