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Monday, 06 June 2016 04:10

Am I The Only One?

 

This question, and many others, have plagued me for quite some time. Yet, I cant help but think to myself maybe (just maybe) I'm not the only one? 

I know I'm not the only one who suffers from a mental illness, or a disorder. While this is true, I cannot help but wonder is there anyone else out there who isolates themselves from others, or keeps people at a distance in attempt to save them from having to deal with your issues? 

Or, do things like Stays Single, Keeping Family and Friends at a Distance, Avoids public places and holiday events from being petrified to be around anyone in the fear of being judged or stigmatized, along with being consumed with fear of being triggered, frustrated, or irritated? Which only throws you into (what seems like) an endless downward spiral of uncontrollable thoughts and emotions where there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. Which can last from hours on end, if not a couple of days. 

Yet, at the same time, wanting SO BAD for someone to talk to, or a friend to turn to, who will accept you, be you're friend through thick and thin? 

When, In fact, all you can find is the saddening comfort of solitude and the deafening quiet of the four walls you call home? Or, the awkward silence from those who say they are your friend when you turn to them for help. Or worse, them avoiding you like you were the plague?

 

While most of this happens in my own life. I can't even begin to put into words how terribly lonely it all can be. As I have spent an obscene amount of time isolated and alone. 


I often feel as if I'm trapped in a self made solitary confinement with no door on either wall. And the messed up part of it all is? I do this all to myself. 

Issues such as bipolar/ ptsd can indeed be difficult to handle for others who don't know, or for that matter don't want to know about them. Yet, it would simply be a breath of fresh air to actually have a friend to open up and communicate with. Someone who not only is nonjudgmental and accepting, but also is able to see past the mental illness and see a person, not just the illness/ disorder itself. 

Yet, day in and day out, “the mask” is put on. For no one see's the depressed lonely person in front of them. They simply see the mask. While the face hidden behind the facade weeps and craves for genuine human interaction.

Was just curious if anyone else out there goes through the same thing or am I the only one?

As I ask that question, many more bombard me as I bring this to a close. ..... Is there really anything wrong with me? Is it really what some of my old friends (who are no longer my friend, mind you) said? That it's all in my head. Am I making it all up or making excuses? I mean, I've known for a long time, after being hit by a vehicle at age 7 (and dying in the process), that I was different from others around me. Yet, if there is nothing wrong with me, why do I stay so isolated, so secluded away from society? Why can't I walk past my front door and go to the store to get food and supplies? Or yet, have a relationship or keep friends? 

So many questions, I know. Yet, I can't help but sit here and wonder. Am I making myself out to be worse then it is? Which is why I'm here writing this now, wondering, is there anyone else out there that goes through the same things? Or is it all a figment of my imaginations run rampant in my head? I'm sitting here driving myself crazy, stressing, day in and day out wondering all this.

 

Published in Anxiety Articles
Friday, 22 April 2016 15:29

Feeling Alone and Scared.

I have agoraphobia and I have been forcing myself out of the house lately. I go to my boyfriend's every weekend and we always do something that's out of my comfort zone. Every time I go it gets harder and harder, even though it should get easier and easier. I don't know, maybe it's because I feel like my partner doesn't understand me. I mean, it's great that he at least tries but I need someone in my life to shoot a text to saying ''I feel anxious'' and they will know what to say to me straight away to make me feel better. My boyfriend just hugs me and says it's gonna be okay, but he doesn't really know how I feel or how difficult it is. I feel like I have to go because we have a lot of communication and closeness issues and if I stop seeing him then we will eventually just break up, and I don't want that. I'm just scared and alone and I need a friend in my life right now. 

Published in Diary
Wednesday, 05 November 2014 12:22

friends vs anxiety

5 November 2014

 

I have just recieved a long, heated, colorful message from some, yes more then one, friends. All of which asing why haven't I been replying. Where have I been, why have I been so rude opening messages and not replying to them. And to be frank, I don't know what to tell them. Yes I have been bad friend to them. Yes I have opened messages and not replied. Yes I have put things on my snapchat story to make it seem like I'm having a great time. But I can't tell them why.

Why haven't I been replyng? I haven't been replying because the other week I put in hospital for being suicidal. A few days ago I was put in hospital again for my health condition and had to have an operation for said disease. I have been in a terrible mood and didn't want to concern my friends with why I was put in hospital the first time, also, since my operation I have had very strong pain meds that made me dilerious and inconsistant. 

Where have I been? Besides the hospital I haven't left my bedroom. I'm either too anxious to leave my room or in too much pain to get out of bed. 

Why have I opened messages and not replied? It's a group inbox. Half the time the conversation has nothing to do with me or anything I am interested in. I reply when I can but 20 out of the 24 hours to the day i'm in a bad mood and don't want to spoil their days too.

Why have I put awesome stuff on my snapchat story? Because my sisters are scared that I will take my own life, and by putting things on my story makes them think that I'm doing okay and it gives them peace of mind without me sending them directly to them and have them think I am trying to make them think I'm okay. 

 

I can't tell my friends any of that. Because I can't talk to my friends about anxiety or being suicidal or anything like that. That would make them uncomfortable, it would hurt them and it would be distirbing to know one of your friends hates themself so much that they would rather die then wake up one morning feeling the same way.

I don't know what to do.

I feel like i'm losing all my friends and I don't even know how to stop it from happening even though I cans ee it happening.

 

- thatgirlmarilyn 

Published in Diary
Sunday, 25 August 2013 21:07

Entry #1? idk

When I was 6 years old, I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. My elementary school and middle school years were all tourture for me (thats what my mom said I said it was like), but i can barely remember it.

I'm surrently a junior in high school, and although my depression is getting better (probably because I have genuine friends now), my anxiety is still horrible. I've been asking my mom to get me anxiety medication, but she keeps fighting me on it. She'll say "well you've been fine the last two years of high school" "I don't want you dopped up on pills all the time" "you don't want to gain weight from the side-effect, do you?" or other things. But I need the medication, I've always know that I do. I need it so I can raise my hand in class and say something. or to go up and give a presentation. I need it to talk to my teacher one on one. I need it to walk down the halls without a friend right next to me. I need it so I can be okay with someone brushing my back every once in a while in the halls. Or so that I can carry a purse instead of a backpack 24/7. I need it so I can ask for help. I need it for everything.

The only time she ever said I should go on medication was when it effected her life. I had an anxiety attack in the car and it was horrible but all she did was tell me I'm selfish and that I'm shitty person. The next day she said I should go on anxiety medication. Not because I need it to do simple tasks, but because she doesn't want me to "make a scene" again.

The only personin my family who seems to understand just  little bit of what I go through is my dad. He's incredibly shy, unless he's around his sister (who's like his best friend), or unless he's one on one with me, or after he's had a beer or two. My mom is very uptight, conservative, and almost too assertive. My younger brother is loud and obnoxious to the point where he makes people look at him (which freaks me out because then I feel like everyone is staring at us). My Dad's side of the family is really relaxed and fun. We're loud, but mostly because we're laughing. I feel so comfortable around them that I actually talk and make jokes and smile. My mom's side of the family is extremely judgemental, crtical, old-fashioned, and nothing like me. (unfortunately) They all live in our area, and my mom is super close with all of them (my 2 aunts and my grandma), so we go out to dinner or things all the time. Since I was a kid, I've known that I can never truely be myself around them, and recently I realized it would just be better to become mute around them. I'd rather be judge for being mute and "anti-social" than for anything that I say. 

My friends are very understanding. My friends are more on the quiet side, but when we're all together we're loud and laughing. My two best friends and I are so close that we share everything, and have "deep" conversations at 3 in the morning. My boyfriend is another one of my best friends. I've let all three of them tear down my walls, and they all have complete access to me. I'm not afraid of what they'll think, or of being judged around them. Which is a big deal because I always used to feel that way around people. And we're able to tell each other if something about them is bothering us. Which is huge for me, because in past friendships, I would keep quiet about anything that bothered me. I think I did it to avoid conflict, because I thought that conflict would mean that I would lose a friend.

I don't really know where I was going with this but I guess its a good first diary entry?

Published in Diary
Monday, 30 November -0001 00:00

I Am Me, But Who Is Me?

I hate talking about myself

Usually when I do i find anything to slip past the situation

I have a troubled past amongst many others and more then three quarters of the worlds population

Mine consists of rape on numerous occasions that consisted of men and women, both old and young, by people I thought i could trust who had either sold me, used me, or gave me to someone else

Physical and emotional abuse from my peers and those elders we were taught to respect

Growing up i have met gay people, they were either disowned, beaten or killed. I don't really understand what it's like to remember the faces like many others do when they lose friends or family, for it didn't take long before even in my dreams, their faces became blurs, but the events still find it's way back into my mind.

I choose to care for those around me, not to be the kind soul or gental hearted person that wants to save the world. No i choose to care, because I can at least make someones life that much better just by smiling or doing a simple act of kindness. It isn't so hard, but it isn't done often enough.

I choose to put others before myself, because i have a habit of disreguarding myself and it is easier to focus on others problems then my own. I don't know how many times i had to take credit for a crime I never commited. I know i am going about it all wrong, but in the moment, even though your mind tells you to just tell the truth and all will be alright, maybe there will be a strain in trust or the relationship someway, somehow, my meart chooses to cover it up in hopes the person doesn't get upset with me and chooses to stay my friend. Sad because the reality of it just makes me a loser in many ways.

In Elementary school i was a bright kid, i could have accomplished so much, but i chose to dumb myself down in hopes of having the bullies back off and everyone else stop taking advantage of me. I guess i didn't realize until after i graduated high school and having helped so many others graduate and go to college that if i had focused on myself and just got my work done normally i could have actually gotten to a good college and escape these awful people that i would never have to see again.

I have a mother who cares and loves me with all her heart, but i can't give a single phone call once a day, instead it seems i can't wait for the conversation to end after three minutes and call once either once every couple of days and sometimes a week.

I have a father who doesn't need to be in my life, but tries. Our conversations consist of the "Hellos" and "How was your day" followed with a "be safe, I love you" short and not even a minute long. nothing straining the relationship just my own sense of time as though i have something better to do than talk to the man who has made an effort to be in my life.

I am married to a man I used to be unable to stand. Met in high school, became friends after my bestfriend had moved in with him. They hung out everywhere and a bit of envy set in for the one person keeping me sane in my life was taken from me, although it sounds silly, it is still how i felt. Now we are best of friends and married as equals, free to flirt and do what ever with whoever. It sounds like the perfect relationship, when it isn't a relationship at all. Who would have thought my first marriage was without the love you'd see in the movies, it is more a relationship of siblings than lovers. Sad really, it is the only relationship i've ever known other than being used as a sexual object for anyone to use, because maybe just maybe it's all i am actually good for.

What am i good at, i'm not sure, I really don't know, I am good at talking to people and making friends, actually holding the conversation or keeping interst i am not too good at and actually keeping a friendship that lasts more than a few days is close to impossible considering no one has "time" for anything. Work, school, volunteer, family, friends, etc. there is always something I have to do, although this truly is not the case, i just tend to find staring at the four walls of my bedroom more entertaining than attempting to embarress myself anymroe than i should.

I can't sleep at night, there are unwanted memories that like to slither their way into them. I am terrified to sleep. I barely take my small naps just so i don't have to dream. just darkness, somewhere i find comfort. unhealthy, but it's what gets me through each and every day i suppose.

Published in Anxiety General Blog

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