The day gave no sign that anything unusual was going to happen that day, it was supposed to be any other day, started with a breakfast with coffee.
After breakfast, I chugg.ed down the last of my coffee and proceeded to wash the dishes, mom was in the living room watching television and my brother was somewhere in the background.
After washing the dishes, I felt a little warm and nauseous, my nose was itching, I thought that I was going to come down with the flu. I sat down, feeling tired all of a sudden when a wave of nausea hit me, my heart beat fast. I turned to my mom, not knowing what to say, I did not want to worry her, I told her that I felt dizzy.
She replied with a reprimand as my mom usually does, so I turned my head back to the television. But I just could not shake off the nausea.
It got worse, my head felt like it was spinning, I could hear my heart beating fast, I was trying to catch my breath. I told my mom calmly, help me I feel dizzy; I think it was the coffee.
My heart beat faster, my feet were constricting and so did my hands, my arms and legs followed until it went up my chest, it feel so tight, I could not breathe and I thought that I was having a heart attack, that I was going to die.
I was told to breathe deeply, and I did, my brother bought me a glass of water, my mom massaged my arms with oil, they yelled for my dad.
I remember my mom telling me to pray. I was scared as fuck so I tried it and went ''God, please''. Of course, as an atheist, I immediately felt silly and dropped the prayer and focused on my breathing.
They took me to the emergency room, the nurses sat me down. The doctor checked my vitals. She said that my airways were not blocked but my pulse was abnormally fast and that I was probably having a panic attack.
They put me on bed and gave me a paper bag to breathe in. I must commend the nurse for making a sturdy bag out of used bond paper and adhesive tape. Clearly, it was newly made because I could still smell the adhesive. My brother came in to watch over me, and said to me in a serious manner ''Janna, if this is because you got pregnant, just tell us already''. I could not help but laugh, he did not know I was gay.
I was trying to calm down, watching the paper bag go in and out of itself was calming. My limbs were tingling all over; I could still hear my heart. I was alone with until a nurse came by and I was cheered up, although I was undoubtedly in distress, I was not blind, she was pretty. She chatted with me a little as she wrapped the blood pressure measuring apparatus around my arm, I couldn't help it, I flexed my biceps.
Still feeling shitty but happy, a different nurse came in asked my bro to leave and conducted an ECG, it was cool, they stuck some electrodes on me which was no problem because I had no bra on in the first place.
The doctor came by to interpret the results, it was normal except for the abnormally fast heart beat. She prescribed something to slow down my heart which my sister did not approve off. My sister is a doctor herself and was worried that my heart would slow down to much. So she gave me just a tiny bit of the meds.
It took me about 5 hours to calm down, they were going to confine me to a different hospital but just got a second opinion instead and I went home. I would like to say that was the end of it but alas, it was only the beginning.
5 Novemeber 2014
I've just signed up to asn. I found this site when trying to find ways to help you sleep with anxiety. I'm 18 and have been suffering from anxiety for the past year. I was born with a chronic health condition so basically i've spent half my life in and out of the children's hospital. For a very long time i felt weak and ungrateful, being at the hospital having so many doctors try their best to save my life (in regards to my disease) when I didn't even want to live myself (because of my severe anxiety). I felt like I was wasting time and money and that I shouldn't bother attending doctors appointments; and so I stopped attending them and missing treatment. I found that as my physical health got worse, so did my mental health. I went from attending every party and social event to only leving the house to go to school, some days I would even skip school and just stay in my bedroom all day starring at the walls. Walking out my front door to the letter box is now a struggle for me. I finished school about a month ago and have only left the house 3 times since. 2 of those times was to go to the hospital. The other time I was just in the car whilst my mum picked my sister up from the train station around the corner from home, I suffered an anxiety attack and nearly jumped out of the car on the freeway in moving traffic.
I haven't always had trouble sleeping. But 31st October I had an operation for my disease (it's not contagious) and since then I have found it very difficult to sleep. I experience suffocating like feelings and start shaking when it gets close to bed time, once in bed every noise makes me freak out and I end up laying there frozen until exhaustion takes over and forces me to sleep. The sounds I hear at night are the sounds of planes and traffic. When I hear these sounds during the day they do not phase me, yet when I am trying to sleep they send shivers down my spine, i start shaking, i feel like the temperature has increased, i get clamy palms, dry throat and difficulty catching my breath. I feel so exhausted during the day but I do not nap during the day for I am hoping that if I stay up during the day and go to bed that bit earlier then I will fall asleep earlier. I'm too scared to take sleeping tablets, the mere thought of them freak me out, and I am also scared they will interefer with the medication I am on for my disease. I want to find a healthy, drug free solution for my anxiety and to help me sleep.
So back in October I had a really, really bad panic attack.
I had ended up overdosing on ibuprofen. Honestly, I don't know if it was a suicide attempt or not. I wasn't in control, I know that much, because my panic took over my entire body and thought process. It was terrifying. I ended up calling 911 myself, because I didn't really know if I was dying (I was).
Anyway, I had to stay in a psychiatric hospital after I left the regular medical hospital, and it was the worst experience ever. Not only did I feel so out of place due to the fact there was a lot of people in there who had it worse than me, but no matter how you ended up there, people looked at you like you were crazy. And that's actually a PTSD trigger for me.
okay so blah blah blah.. I ended up leaving the inpatient after a week or so and had reached the state of nirvana once I was in outpatient. That lasted a week.
Now, only a few months later, I am back in the same exact place. My PTSD symptoms have subsided, but it's still something I struggle with.
Plus, maybe this is my unpopular opinion, but I hate physiologist's. All they want to do is pump my blood stream with drugs and it's such a god damn pain in the ass.
Sorry for this rant.
********** TRIGGER WARNING: mention of S **********
On Friday I had a medical review by public health to see how things are going and to get me linked back into treatment. For the past couple of months I've been struggling on my own. Every since my psychiatrist dumped me and left me in hospital and decided that I couldn't be helped , I have been struggling on my own, too ashamed to reach out.
Anyways, some of the questions that I had to answer got me thinking about how and what I represent to the mental health system. I am just another number. Another statistic to walk through the door. And every time I interact with the system I am told again and again, that I am well on my way to an early death by suicide or overdose. Thanks for the encouragement, doctor's.
Years I have been on anti-depressants:
Number of Inpatient hospitalizations - 11 times.
2005 - OD suicide attempt
2006 - PTSD, depression
2008 - PTSD, depression
2009 - depression, suicidal
2009 - depression
2009 - PTSD, suicidal
2010 - PTSD, depression
2010 - medication adjustment
2011 - PTSD, suicidal
2011 - PTSD, suicidal
2012 - PTSD, depressed.
Number of ER visits - 2 times.
2012 - suicidal
2012 - medication issues, anxiety skyrocketed
Medications I have tried - 14.
Since entering the mental health system, the longest time that I have been out of hospital:
12 and 1/2 months, in 2007.
Time since my last hospitalization in May 2012 and today:
1) TO STAY OUT OF HOSPITAL FOR LONGER than the time between my last 2 hospitalizations (Oct 2011 and May 2012) - 7 months 19 days.
2) TO STAY OUT OF HOSPITAL FOR OVER ONE YEAR.