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Published in Anxity Blog
Thursday, 23 January 2014 06:43

My 3am Random Thoughts

I've never been the person to open up to people, I find it hard to talk about my feeling, my passions, anything emotional; well unless I've been drinking it's always been difficult, even with alcohol in my system it seems like something I just wasn't programmed to do. Everyone in my family, mostly my parents tell me that I only care about my self and I don't care about others and that hurts, it's almost become like a daily routine for me to hear people say that to me, and even if they don't say it I plays on my mind constantly.

I can't get a single good thought across, right now my mind it literally on the fritz and I'm trying to talk about my brainy wonders. I'm losing the battle. How do I win a battle against myself when I don't even know how to start? I'm losing a battle with myself and it's affecting my social life. I can't explain to myself how I feel yet still I know, but others won't know so I will alway come across like a cod distant person. How do I even begin to win this fight?! Am I even making sense right now?!

Sometimes I wonder if because of this if I'm going to end up alone, there's noone out there sane enough to have the patiences to be with someone they're not sure even cares about them. Who's sane enough to love and accept that I might never be able to fully express how I feel about them. I probably show more emotion to my pillow, mainly because a pillow can't reject me, a pillow will always be there. A human on the other hand, they can stand up and decide that it's time to let go of me. That is something I can NOT handle, rejection is the worst losing someone is something I've never been able to coupe with. Yet still I yearn for companionship, someone to love me.

Always felt like the love of a significant other was one of the most important things out there. To be able to meet someone and fall in love and spend the rest of your life with that person, that is beautiful. I am so in love with love, but I'm always very terrified of it. But the concept is something I could only dream of. Being able to create your own family and allowing your family to grow on is amazing. Actually brings me joy, love, but I don think I'll ever have it, to be quite honest. I'm way to scared to put myself out there to be torn down. I don't care what anyone tells me heartbreak is NOT apart of life, people tell you that to make you feel good, just makes me feel even worse actually.

My future scares me, what I want to be is something I'm not even sure I can handle. I want to teach people but I'm horrible as a leader because I don't like being the center of attention or speaking in front of crowds. How am I suppose to teach and I can't even speak to the students. I really don't know what to do with my life anymore. I just, I don't know anymore. Don't even think I'm good at this whole dancing thing so how can I teach others. I don't have confidence how am I suppose to motivate others if I can't do it for myself?

In a few months I won't be able to call myself a teenager, and I don't know what I want to do with my life really, I have no plan or back up plan. What happens if I don't get into that school what am I going to do then? Oh my god my life just feels like I don't even know. 

Trying to stay positive is actually hard when you can't see the rainbow from the hole you dug for yourself.

 

Published in Diary
Monday, 18 February 2013 08:38

The best interview I ever hade

Published in Diary
Thursday, 01 November 2012 19:55

Sometimes I really can't stop thinking.

Wide awake. Without sleep for over 24 hours, yet for some reason both my body and mind are restless. 
I’ve been thinking.
Reconsidering everything I’ve ever though or decided. In a state of unease, almost terrified at my predictions of what the day will bring me.
Sometimes this happens— no, correction: This often happens. My thoughts become a never-ending labyrinth. Usually, this comes when I have woken in terror, and I am left in a haze of emotions and possibilities. Emotions that I have not yet learned to control. Possibilities in my life that I haven’t the strength to reach out and snatch. 
Everything I could potentially wonder, I do. I sit there and wonder, frustrated with my usual lack of answers. Do I even need answers? Are there really puzzles I need to solve, or is this confusion an illusion? All I can ever come up with is a big, “MAYBE.”
It can be a battle. Never can I stick with simple contentedness, and especially with life cascading toward me as if I am facing a blizzard head-on. There is a smile reserved to put forth the facade that everything is fine, but when has it ever been? With all honesty, I’m always in misery for one reason or another. How do I make it stop?
I cannot find the solution. 
Occasionally I fear I will search to fix myself my whole life; that the journey will be unbearable and impossible like reaching the end of a rainbow. The rest of the time, I worry my emotions will never be in check.
One would claim me depressed. Socially anxious. An introvert. Impulsive. In my mind, I figure as long as I make myself function, how can that be said? Some days I choose to stay in a mental fog by myself, left to my thoughts despite the misery that comes with them. Often I’ll just wait until I’m allowed those hours of lonesomeness, and really sit there and think.
My biggest fear is that I will be alone in life because of my issues. Friends have come and gone, proving only to me how quiet I should keep my problems. Because who really cares besides myself how fucked up it is to be in my head? Nobody. Doctors feign sincerity with a prescription to make me manageable. People will promise their confidence to abandon it for something interesting to talk about. It’s been hard for me to truly open up to another because I don’t know who and who not to trust. I constantly wish I had a trust detector that would allow me to pass someone and it would tell me how trustworthy they are. 
I want to be freed from this cage of distrust and fear. I’m nearly sick to the thought of possibility. Going insane in attempt to mask my sadness day by say. Wide awake, and no hope of sleep until tomorrow.

Published in Diary

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