Anxiety Disorder, intrusive thoughts, irrational fears. Incredibly annoying things to experience. Despite the immense inconvenience and worry that it is giving me, my experience with anxiety made me realize something profound.
Before anxiety, I have struggled with depression. As a young teeneager I became so desolate at some points that I had attempted to end my life several times. I hated everything about me, I was in denial about my sexuality, I was afraid to befriend girls cause god help me if I'll have a crush on them.
Fortuntely, I managed to reflect on my thoughts and actions, I knew it wasn't right. I wanted to be happy, or at least less miserable. So I started to think, what can I do to stop being miserable?
And from then on I managed to reduce my depressive episodes, I forgave people who bullied me, and learned to let go of bad feelings, I still had depressive episodes but I was less suicidal.
Everything was alright, or at least better than ever for some years. I got my degree and made good friends in college. I even like myself now.
Unfortunately, due to a cup of coffee with an extra kick, I had a panic attack and had anticipatory anxiety which was accompanied by worry and obsessive thinking blah blah blah. And I became afraid like I've never been before in my life.
So the profound thing that I realize. I just want to be well, compared to my experience with depression, my anxiety isn't rooted from self-hate or destruction, I just want to be well. That's it.
I am still working on it, I am hopeful, it's just difficult sometimes but life goes on.
I was going home this afternoon when I felt like I wanted to pee. I had an intrusive thought about vaginas. When I was going to the bathroom I thought '' Time to drain the lil puss puss'' which I thought was inappropriate. So I became a little disgusted with myself which in turn made me anxious and I couldn't take the words ''lil puss puss off my mind. Next is I had intrusive thoughts about swallowing coins. When I came into my room, I deposit the change in my pocket into an ice cream container. Seeing the amount of coins in there I had an intrusive thought about swallowing them. I attribute this thought to watching a television program in my childhood about a child who died because she accidentally swallowed a coin. I had quite a large amount of small change, I was planning to have it changed into bigger bills at a store.
I decided to do that today. I counted all the coins until I had the amount of one hundred pesos, and during the time I was counting, I had intrusive thoughts and images of swallowing them. I pulled through and got it changed without having a panic attack.
I felt glad that I did it, that I managed to count despite having fears. This lead me to a realization that despite having anxiety and intrusive thoughts, I still have control. I feel hopeful that I would be able to go back to normal or close to it.
All of my anxiety and intrusive thoughts have stems and triggers that my disorder blows out of proportion. I will list down my fears and intrusive thoughts and expand on the sources.
1.) I was afraid of thinking the word ''vagina'' or anything related to it because of its inappropriateness. I attribute this to receiving a picture of a vagina from a girl whom I chatted with and it freaked me out. Needless to say, I don't chat with her anymore.
2.) I was afraid of being inappropriate or having inappropriate feelings to friends or people who are girls (especially those attractive ones) , I attribute this to my high school days when I had feelings for my best friend who is a girl. It was a difficult time in my life. I managed to push away my best friend because I was still hiding or denying my sexuality.
3.) Blowjobs, I had intrusive thoughts about this which I attribute to reading ''The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo'' where the protagonist of the storywas forced to perform fellatio on her legal guardian. I already read this book before my history of anxiety. I also read this during a time when I was anxious, so there we go.
4.) Intrusive thoughts about incest. I saw the movie ''The Dreamers'' about paternal twins who have an almost incestual relationship. The film was graphic and I saw it when I was anxious too.
5.) Fear of going crazy. This I attribute to having anxiety alone, it can make one feel like she is going out of control.
Now that I know these stems. I know that I am in control, and that the only time that I may lose control is when I get a panic attack because of anxiety. And this is very treatable, can even be cured, or even make me turn out to be a better person.
I've been bothered by intrusive thoughts lately and they are not your run-of-the-mill brain farts. They're the kind of thoughts that when it crossed you it will make you go ''What the f*ck was that about?'', ''Oh, gross'' or just plain ''No.'' pair that with anxiety and you got yourself one hell of a horror ride.
Fortunately, they do go away, and your logical sense, and maybe even your sense of humor will rise above this distressing thoughts.
Mine started when I was about to go to sleep, I remember that I was feeling pretty tense already and one thought popped into my head ''I think I'm going crazy''. My body immediately responded with an increased heart rate and further anxious thinking about going nuts. I went downstairs to see who I could talk to and expected it to be my brother as he is a night owl. I told him what was happening.
Unfortunately my brother is very skilled at being a douche to me and told me scoffed at me and ignored me. From then on the intrusive thoughts have varied from afraid of bieng Schizophrenic, Suicidal, Incestuous, Murderous, and Ridiculous. Now, I would like to elaborate what triggered them so we can see how what anxiety does to you, how it blows everything out of proportion
The Schizophrenic fear I acquired when I was studying for the Psychometrician Licensure Exam (I passed by the way), and the topics involved abnormal psychology, so there we go.
The Suicidal fear is given, I am aware of my current vulnerability given that I had a history of depression and suicidal ideation.
The Incest fear, I got this when I was watching the movie ''The Dreamers'' which has a semi-incestuous theme, since I was still pissed at my brother for being a douch, I was horrified at the incest and so intrusive thoughts of my incest wth bro ensued. Which is really gross.
The Murderous fear, I had a brief intrusive thought with me wanting to hurt or kill my family, but thinking about it now makes me sad.
The Ridiculous fear, most recently I had the fear of my mom or my family finding out that I don't believe in God. I was afraid that she will blame me for my Panic Anxiety because I don't believe in him and that is the cause of my suffering, that I am being punished for my atheism.
With respect to those with religious beliefs.
I was so scared that I tried to pray but it just made it worse cause believing in a god is just as ridiculous as my fears.
I've known about Schizophrenia before but I only got scared of it now, I've been suicidal before but I only got scared I would do it now, I've known my brother for as long as I remember but I only got scared of incest now. I've entertained the thought of hurting my family when I was angry but I only got scared of it now. I have been an atheist for three years now but I only got scared about it now.
The facts are, I am not a Schizophrenic, I am not suicidal anymore and I want to live, I am not sexually attracted to my brother, I don't want to kill or hurt my family, I love them, and I wouldn't want to hurt them even if I didnt love them, and I dont believe in God.
It's tough having this problem. It helps when I'm able to verbalize these thoughts and feelings, take them apart and separate the me from the anxiety. Of course, that's easier said than done, especially when you are currently experiencing the intrusive thoughts, leading to a panic attack.
The last time this happened to me (a couple or so hours ago) I was drunk with fear, unable to think straight. Trying my hardest to ignore, supress, and laugh off the intrusive, irrational, anxiety-induced thoughts.
It lasted throughout the day and it ended up with my heart rate reaching 121 per minute, I just let the feelings come through and breathed into a paper bag until, gradually, I felt better.
It ends, and I continue living.