5 of may, 2014: One of the craziest days of my life.
I still work as a software developer on a company here in Rio, Brazil, that gave me a chance to come back to the workforce, after a year working on a family business while treating my condition. Today i woke up tortured by another bad night of anxiety and fear... I have been working on a project for Sulamérica, a insurance company here that is a very important client for us.
So I'm new to this website. I found out about it through Twitter and figured I should check it out. I'm 14, so I'm going to start my first year of high school in September. I'm nervous (more nervous than I usually am). Whenever I try to tell my parents or anyone about how scared and worried I am about starting high school, they always brush it off and say that everyone is nervous about high school and that it'll turn out fine. Well ok. I didn't realize everyone had Generalized Anxiety Disorder to deal with. I hate it so much when people try to act like their minimal stress is anything similar to what it's like spending every second of your life worrying about things that probably don't even matter. BEING STRESSED AND HAVING AN ANXIETY DISORDER ARE NOT SYNONOMOUS! But anyway, back to what I was saying. So my school didn't give us any information or any details about how things work at the school. We've already had three orientations and I still don't know what time school starts. There are common knowledge things about the school day that I don't know and that scares me a lot. In just a few short weeks, I'm going to be walking into a school I know nothing about with a bunch of people I barely know in a situation that's completely new to me. You know, in my middle school, we didn't have locks on our lockers. I'm going to go to school and look like an idiot because I don't know how to open a combination lock. Then everyone is just going to stare at me and I'll be known as the girl who couldn't open her fucking locker. They also didn't give us a list of supplies we need for our classes. What if I forget to buy something from Staples? I'll seem unprepared. The best advice I've ever gotten in life was that you only get one chance to make a first impression. What if I fuck it up? In addition to that, the first three weeks of school, my bedroom is being redone. That means I'll be getting a crappy night sleep on an air mattress in my play room for almost the entire first month of school. As if that wasn't ENOUGH stress, my parents are making me get a job being a referee for little kids soccer games. I'll already have to wake up early for school and wake up early to do volunteer work on Sundays, but now I also have to wake up at 7:30 on Saturdays. I barely get any sleep already because I'm up all night FUCKING WORRYING ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS! And even when I do sleep, It's a challenge to actually stay asleep. I know it's only the beginning of August, but even thinking about September is making my stomach sick. As a little side note,my left arm is numb too. Does that ever happen to any of you? But on a more positive note, this is a col website. I really enjoy being able to vent like this. You can expect to see me on here a lot more :]
Oh where to start.. I suppose by introducing myself.
My name is Cassandra (a.k.a: Turbo Penguin), I'm (almost) 27 and I live in Ontario, Canada. I have had issues with anxiety since... god knows when it really started.
See when I first started to have issues with anxiety was when I was very young. I vaguely remember going to my parents (adopted at the time) and saying it felt like someone was on my chest, that I couldn't breath, and that I didn't feel good. They would say that it was either guilt or that it was growing pains, it would go away.
It wasn't until many many years later that I was able to get a name to this issue and then I started to actually understand and be able to begin even understanding anything that was going on with me. I started to see a counsellor and try to begin working through some issues, but that didn't work out so well, I started to fear and not trust her, then it lead to feelings of judgement and dishonour, which then started the cycle... I wouldn't go to see her, and then what I thought was having a handle on the anxiety lead to dangerous behaviours, getting depressed worse, and more frequent until it was almost a state of always. I'd drink, and do other things that I'm not proud of, but it was how I coped - if I didn't care; then how would anything bug me? Simple: It won't because you're numb and down enough that it's just pointless to even spare a thought. I then got really, really sick. To the point where I could not stay awake for even five minutes, or to have a conversation with someone. I'd fall asleep waiting for the bathroom. It was crazy. The doctor I went and saw said it was depression and put me on a strong does of Xanax. I slept even more. Even better - I started getting even more sick, with a cold from hell, I was going through 2-3 rolls of toilet paper blowing my nose, I couldn't keep food down, breathing was near impossible, a friends mother said I had pneumonia, but I slept and slept and slept. At about 10-11 weeks in to this insanity I started being awake more often. I was regaining life, and got myself a new job... the original ad said part time 15-20 hrs a week. After we did training we were told it was 40 hrs a week. Most people would be happy, but I wasn't... it was too much, too soon. So I tried to tough it out and make it through. I ended up leaving there very soon after starting.
You see, there are some things that will trigger anxiety in me - new job, work, starting something new, going somewhere new - one may say that I fear the unknown, so much so that my body starts to malfunction. I still to this day have not overcome this big step, but I'm trying to work on it.
I'm starting my new job today - maybe all my anxiety is for nothing.