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Saturday, 04 February 2017 05:41

At the end of my rope.

When I graduated from High School in 2012, I thought that my life would get a whole lot better. For the most part, it really has. I got the opportunity to be a Radio DJ when I was 17 back in 2011, and two years into being in Radio, I got to interview Kip Winger, who is a guy that I used to idolize as a child. He told me that I gave him the best interview he ever had, and I felt like I had died and went to heaven when he said that to me. Then a year later, another dream came true. I got to interview Mick Foley, Three-Time WWE Champion and Pro Wrestling Legend. Even though the interview didn't really go as I liked it to go, I got to interview a guy that I grew up watching on Monday Night RAW and SmackDown, and a guy who had been to the mountiantop in Pro Wrestling, WWE. Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted to do one thing and one thing only with my life, be in the Pro Wrestling Business, let alone WWE. In 2006, when I was 12, I joined YouTube and a year later, I began doing videos where I gave my opinion on certian things that happened in the Wrestling Business. I became well-known in grade and high school as the guy to go to for everything Pro Wrestling. I was the guy to go to for the inside info, who the champions was, the match outcomes, I was Pro Wrestling. 

 

In 2015, I joined a Classic Rock Station in my Hometown and started my show called Flashback Fridays. It wasn't long before my hometown fell in love with me and my show. I felt like I was on top of the world because I was finally famous, in a small town. Shortly after Flashback Fridays was created, I began to do what I used to do on YouTube, talking Pro Wrestling. I play my music and then before the end of the program, I talk Pro Wrestling News and Rumors and give my opinion on it, like how I did YouTube. The next thing I know, I get a message from a guy that works at the local television station in my hometown. He, like me, is a big Pro Wrestling fan, and he invited me to be on his online Pro Wrestling show to discuss WWE Extreme Rules 2016. I accepted, done the podcast, and felt as though I completed a major step in achieving my lifelong dream. Then, around Thanksgiving Season, it began to get real. 

 

I recieved another message from the guy from the local television station. This time, he invited me to be apart of a new Pro Wrestling Promotion that started in my hometown, and wanted me to commentate wrestling with him. I had to take it in, I couldn't believe it. Finally, after a decade of digging and clawing and dreaming, I had got my foot in the door. I made it. I was scheduled to make my debut on December 10. Five years ago on that date, I made my debut in Radio. It felt right.

 

I arrived at the arena at 11:30 in the morning and helped set up the ring and hand out tickets during a Christmas Parade. I was so happy and excited because I knew I was paying my dues. Then it was showtime. I was told that I would be ringing the bell, announcing the winners/time elapsed in matches, and playing entrance music. I had an issue with one wrestler of 20+ years who talked about me backstage pretty badly because I didn't ring the bell loud enough and because I played his entrance music after he won, even though I was told to play it. Shortly after that incident, I helped take down the ring and the promoter told me to come back. I felt as though everything was working out and I was on my path to being successful in Pro Wrestling. That was until a week or two later, when I had this conversation with the promoter:

 

12/27/2016 12:19AM

Promoter: U need to get your license

Me:That's the truth man, how do I get it? Do I apply online or do I have to fill out a form?

Promoter:Online send u link tomorrow Headed to bed later

Me:Oh okay man that sounds good, talk to you later man. If you watch WWE and was able to catch RAW, let me know what happened on it tomorrow because I couldn't watch it tonight

Promoter:Bro I don't watch that garbage

Me:It's all good man, it's been on a downhill slide for awhile, but they do have some fo the indie guys like Owens, Rollins, and Ambrose. You should watch New Japan when you get the chance, they're the best out there right now

Promoter:Bro litttle advice don't tell anyone u watch it or keep up with actual workers and old timers u meet will have no respect for u

Me:Thanks man, I know that to defiantly be true. There's a lot of people in the business that hates Vince with a passion. He did take down the territories and that was pretty shitty that he done that. I watched a lot of WCW growing up and WCW before 2000 was awesome.

 

Shortly after that conversation, I thought it was pretty strange that he would say that to me. That if I keep up with WWE and if people were to find out that I kept up with it, they would lose respect for me. Which I later found out to be a big lie. Later on that day, I announced to my follwers and friends that a Tag Team in the WWE called American Alpha had became the SmackDown Tag Team Champions. Shortly after I got the word out, I get another message from the promoter, below is the conversation:

 

12/27/2016 9:13PM

 

Promoter:Quit posting WWE posts

Me:Sorry about that man

Promoter:Listen reason is. It has nuttin to do with Vince. But if you're in the business u can no longer act like a fan. The wwe is now full of your peers not. Ppl to idealize. If you at like a fan then be a fan. Get what I mean

Me:Okay, I get what you're saying now. Now that I'm in the business, it's a whole new ballgame and it's a sacred thing. I guess where I've been a fan so long it's hard to forget that I'm in it now. It will pass and I'll adapt to it.

Promoter:Who's the worst nba team

Me:I think right now it's still the 76ers

Me:Yeah it's Philly, they're 7-23

Promoter:Do u think that 12th man on the 76ers bench. Watches and follows lbj. Buys his jersey and tweets about how great he is

Me:He dosen't.

Me:They're all wanting to be better than lbj.

Promoter:Because they are his what I'm the business

Promoter:In

Me:That's right man, just like in wrestling, everybody in sports wants to be the best. A lot will not reach the best, only the ones who have the mentality hunger and drive can make it there

Promoter:Yep. U also need help from old timers. Every time you act like a mark you shit on the old timers. They loose respect for you and won't help u

Me:That is totally the truth. I'm not a mark or a smark by all means. I really fucking love this business. It's what I want to do for the rest of my life. I will never shit on it my man. I know what you mean there. I was friends with a veteran in wrestling, but he passed away six years ago. His name was Jim White, he was the man

Promoter:Yeah I was at his funeral

Promoter:And there's no such thing as a snark

Promoter:Smark

Me:I'm sorry about that. Jim was an awesome guy, I wish I would have got to know him better. The smark thing is a myth?

12/27/2016 11:52PM

 

Promoter:Yep can't be smart to something and be a mark at the same time

Me:I never really thought about that before man

 

Shortly after this conversation, I told a friend of mine that works at another promotion and he was pissed. He couldn't believe that he said that. I then told him that I would be leaving this promotion for the one that he is at and he said that his promoter would be honored to have me. Sadly, I am unable to make it to any of the shows at the other promotion because I am 22 going on 23 with no Driver's Liscense, My mom's truck is a V8 and loves to guzzle gas, and plus my work schedule usually gets overloaded. I talked to another friend of mine that wrestled for 18 years that lives in Indiana and he told me that everything the promoter was saying to me wasn't true because he had been in the locker rooms at shows where former wrestling stars would be at and all the wrestlers would be lined up to shake their hand, and get pictures/autographs. He also told me that if I want to be succesful in this business, to leave the current promotion for the one that my friend works at. So that's what I done. 

 

2017 has already turned into the worst year of my life, and I thought last year was. We're not even a month in and My Dog of 15 years passes away, My Grandfather gets put in the hospital for pneumonia in his right lung, My mother gets sick with a fever, I'm not in good standing with the Classic Rock station that my show is broadcasted at, I'm in danger of being wrote up/fired at work, I haven't dated anyone since I was a Senior in High School and I'm almost 23 and still a virgin, One of my best friends just left work for another job, and now to top it all off, my friend from the other promotion decided to work for the promotion that I was at and took a photo with the promoter that said all those things to me and I know now that I can't and probably will never be able to make it in Pro Wrestling. The dream that I have had since I was a kid might not come true because of that asshole of a promoter. Why would I be directed to bust my ass for a decade just to be told I can't make it anymore? Just to be stopped at a dead end? There has to be something more, but I don't know what. I'm really at the end of my rope now. Everything that could go wrong in my life is going wrong, and now I feel like and I fear that I'll be stuck working my shitty job while everybody else enjoys the fruits of life. I just hope that God can get me out of this deep valley that I'm in, and help me reach the top of the mountian again. 

Published in Diary
Sunday, 01 May 2016 04:35

Feeling Invisible

Today was just one of those days where I feel invisible to the world! First maybe I should say a little about myself. I moved to a new city a little over 11 months ago now. I moved here for a new job without knowing a single person. While I enjoy being around people I've always had a really hard time starting conversations with people. As you may guess, this makes it incredibly hard to meet new people and make new friends. I've only recently started learning more about social anxiety disorder and realizing it's an issue for me.

I've always known that my issue is that I don't know what to say to people to start a conversation with them. I'm horrible at small talk and you can't really start a conversation based on mutual interest when you don't know anything about a person. This leads to me second guess everything I say and either never start the conversation or feel like a complete idiot for starting the conversation and struggle to keep the conversation going. So one thing I've been trying to do since I moved here is find some groups for people with similar interests as me. This has mostly been a failure as my anxiety prevents me from going to meet a random group of people. It's hard enough to try meeting 1 person, meeting an entire group of people at once is nothing short of teriffying.

However, the one thing I have found some success with is the gym, or more specificlly CrossFit. Say what you will about it but I found it a few years ago and enjoyed it for 2 reasons: motivation/competitiveness and the sense of community. I love going because everyone is friendly, cheers each other on, and engage in a little gym talk. So I know some people there and we will talk a bit, but that's the extent of our relationship. That's unfortunate but I'd be more okay with it if it weren't for the fact that some of those people have became very good friends despite being there less time than I have; but I've never been invited to do something outside of the gym. Yes, part of this is my fault, I could ask them if they wanted to do something sometime... I know that but it still hurts to see the same people I talk to becoming friends and not being included.

Maybe I should get back to the main point of feeling invisible now. Today I went to one an open gym time and some of the people I usually talk to were there but not one of them said a word to me. They were all talking with each other, joking around, and working out together; but not one of them even acknowledged my existance. Again... I could have strated conversation with them, but I just felt like I would be intruding. Honestly the only interaction I had with anyone the entire time I was there, that didn't have to do with whether or not I was using a piece of equipment or not, was a brief exhange coach. You know, one of the the people that are paid to be there and to exchange pleasantries with the members.

I was pretty down by the time I left and got me thinking about all the other things that make me feel invsible. I've recently been trying to start doing some volunteer work lately and I contacted the organization about it. I got a pretty immediate reply that I had contacted the wrong person and they forwared me on to another person. A few days went by with no reply so I decided to contact them again just to be sure my message hadn't been overlooked. Once again I recieved a pretty immediate reply letting me know they had been busy but they would contact me at the beginning of the next week. Well, it's been over a week since they said they would contact me and I still haven't heard anything. I'm tempted to contact them again but I don't want to be annoying and I just feel like it shouldn't be so hard to volunteer for something. I've also had a similar experience with very slow replies from customer service with a business I'm currently dealing with, but I guess that could probably just be chalked up to poor customer service. The final thing I thought of was dating sites. I've tried using a few different sites to meet someone with little to no success. I always put effort into my profile and I even step out of my comfort zone and contact others first sometimes, I just spend way too long figuring out what to write haha. Point being, I hardly ever get a reply or someone deciding to contact me first. Even with my low self-esteem I would say I'm decently attractive, and I've only had a handfull of interest over about 2 years.

Anyway, that's all I got. Like I said, it was just one of those days. I'm sure I'll feel better in the next day or two. I'm not sure if anyone will read this, if they will care, or if I will just sound whinny and self-pitying; but I don't have anyone to talk to about it so I felt like this would be a good way to vent. 

Published in Anxiety Articles
Monday, 23 February 2015 02:31

My Story entry.1

My story is a long one, a story which has defined who I am but also still holding me down. My anxiety is caused by many things, mostly constant abuse, past torture, abandonment, and the fact my mind can not leave the "fight or flight" response. If you are reading this I really hope someone out there can understand any of this, for the most recent event has me seeking help or trying to find hope again... I am going to write daily events... so I can reflect on what I am writing and try and make sense out of all of it. Also reflect on what I can do to make sure it never happens again.

 

I was born September 12, 1990, I was raised by a drunken father who had the wisdom of a great man, but chose to teach me his wisdom with an iron gauntlet. My mother was diagnosed with psychophrenia from the results of my fathers abuse, when she is "normal" she is the happiest person you will ever meet... But when she is going through what I call a "phase" she tried to kill me multiple times. Both have taught me to be respectful, kind, assertive, mannerful, and so many good things, I will give them at least that much credit.

 

As we go on... it wasn't just them who made me have so many bad memories... I wish it was just them, it seems that everyone these days have terrible parental experiences... but what about friends, strangers, relationships? I have been dealt the same treatment from everyone who has come across me. I really wish I could say I am an asshole, I am not a good person, I am jealous, I am hateful, I am spiteful... but I am not any of these things. Matter of fact I am actually calm, collected, easy going, free spirited, and I feel from all I have been through I fully understand what causes people to be so spiteful. The only bad thing about me... I feel I can never be happy.

 

I am not much of a writer but I am now going to take a trip back in time... back to my hell. There are no dates... these events happened so frequently that it felt like a daily thing.

The chessboard (high school days): I love chess, I love strategy, but at one point in life I was doing terrible in school. I was hanging out with the "outcasts" (what we called ourselves), we all had destructive parents and that fueled our destructive nature. This nature had me skipping classes, not doing homework to go out with my friends, and fighting. Well all of those destructive actions got back to my father who I was living with at the time... He was furious. He didn't beat me for once, but instead told me I was grounded for an entire year. Yes, an entire year.

 

When I was grounded it wasn't just "no outside privileges" or "no video games / T.V". I was grounded from everything except books and a chess board. My brother ran away during this time so there was no one to play chess with, I already read all of my books, so I began playing chess by myself. I built strategies, and game play ideas, was bored but that was all I could do. My father came home one time drunk from the bar and asked me a simple question after he noticed me playing chess by myself. He asked me "who's winning Isiah". Of course I answered "I am". He had a follow up question, "who's losing Isiah"? I was somewhat confused by his question but answered again "I am". He sat on the opposite of the table and asked again, "who's winning Isiah", and again I answered "I am". He was frustrated at this point and threatened "You better give me a fucking straight answer Isiah, who the fuck is winning"? "I am". He rubbed his head, got off his seat, and stood over me. He looked me in the eyes and he stated "You better give me a straight fucking answer, you can't be winning and losing, Who the fuck is losing"!? I screamed I am and then came the fists... pummeled me... then he just walked away without a word...

 

Published in Diary
Monday, 27 October 2014 23:57

Sad

When I was young I had a hard time finding a reason to exist. 

What was my purpose in this world? For what would I live? 

When kids ran home, I would sit beneath the stars and wonder, or clean the room because I could not sleep... I would wonder and think.

What really mattered to me? For what did my heart and passion burn for? 

I found just two dreams to live for. 

It was nothing as fancy as traveling the world or galazy, neither to be famous. For me, the only dreams I settled for became this.

"I wish to make books to inspire change"

My second wish though, it became a hidden desire. I had the idea if I ever came to realize both my dreams, there would be nothing to live for, so I decided to hide it.I had a better chance at writing a book than the other part either way.

 

But still, it was one of my greatest desires. 

It was a sort of love wish... a wish to be loved for who I am, just like I am. 

That someone would accept me the way I was, and love me. Love... such a strange thought. 

I imagined secretly all the while if anyone could love me? Would anyone be able to. 

I have never felt like anyone can love me, but certainly it was a dream of mine. 

I hoped some day mr right would pass by me. 

Someone I could love, someone who could love me. I mean, imagine someone accepting me for who I was and love me? The rest of the world seems insane to me, but I always hoped, always dreamed that out there, there was someone. 

But then again... I am me. Who could ever like me? Who will ever like me?

 

Friends telling me oppenly they manipulate me and believe they can get anything? 

A sister who hates me because she thinks I want things? A family without faith in who I am? Who am I among them? No one. 

 

My datesx have been terrible people, I have no faith in hummans around me because I believed in them... where have this world taken me? I so wanna know what my story can lead up to. If there is a mister right.... I hate being alone, but do anyone ever ask me if I am okay? Do anyone care to check how I am doing? No...

 

I have been alone so long, I don't knor how it is to be with others.

I prefer if guys hate me, because then, I don't have to deal with eomotions. Emotions... even though I desperately need to feel love, I am sick of being hurt. It's so pointless... so worthless. The worst is knowing there is no one to talk to... no one... there is nothing for me... and it makes me cry. I am alone. :(

 

I wish I at least had a friend. 

If people hadn't been mean to me all the time, I would still be nice with people. I might even have friends. Everyone broke me down, and seriously, I can't forgive it. It have really hurt all this time. 

I wanna be what I could have been, and it hurts.

friends have talked behind my back, family, my sister, my father talked shit to us in our faces, so did our mother... what can I say. 

I wanna know emotions. I wanna know family. I wanna know love.

My family, friends and all that, nothing I know has anything like that... and it feels lonely.

I really hate it. 

Lonelines.

Published in Diary
Friday, 13 September 2013 23:55

Getting worse.

I'm spending yet another night alone in my room because I cannot stand being around my father.

I want to be with my mom watching tv or just hanging out. But whenever my dad gets home from work I have to lock myself in my room because if I stay around him a huge arguement will erupt because he bothers me so much. I tell him to take off his jingly necklace but he won't. I tell him to walk lighter but he won't. I tell him to turn off the overhead lights but he won't. They think I'm the one with the problem because everything he does bothers, but I truly believe it's him and they can't see that.

No normal person wear jingly jewelry ALL THE TIME. No one normal walks like a herd of elephants. There's no reason to keep overhead lights on constantly, even into long hours of the night. There's no reason to blast the volume on the televsion.

My father does not know the meaning of "quiet". He just makes as much noise as possible and then says I'm wrong when I say he's too noisey.

So here I am again all alone in my room wish anxiety and depression washing over me because I hate being alone but I hate my father. I wish it was just my mom and I. She deserves better anyhow because she works like a slave for him - packing his lunch every night for work, washing and ironing all his clothes, DRIVING HIM AROUND TO PLACES, waiting on him hand and foot when he's home (she cooks all the meals.. she will even go to the kitchen to get him a snack and a drink if he's watching sports). She never complains, but I can see in her face that she is getting sick of doing everything for him. He doesn't work a well paying job, my mom can't work because of disability (DEPRESSION), and I'm only a student.  He does nothing to try to get a better job. They're lived in apartments their whole lives, we've never had a home, we just got done paying off a car so at least we own a car... but my parents are almost 60 and they have no savings, they own no property except a car.

One day I broke down to her and told her how much she deserves better and she started crying with me. My mom has been through so much in her life and had to work hard to just get by. My father was handed everything and treated like a little kid his whole life. He can't help himself for anything. My mom shouldn't be catering to him. It's just another reason I hate him.

I wish they would get a divorce and he could be gone, but idk what my mom would do because she has nothing. I mean we have furniture and food and clothes and stuff like that, but she doesn't own a home, she doesn't have savings... 

I just hope that when I'm done with college I'll get a good paying job and hopefully get married to a man the same as me and we can help my mom out. I want to give her everything because she deserves it. She's the greatest person in this world to me. She's everything to me. I hate seeing her act as a slave to someone who is too old to be acting like a child.

Published in Diary
Monday, 30 November -0001 00:00

I Am Me, But Who Is Me?

I hate talking about myself

Usually when I do i find anything to slip past the situation

I have a troubled past amongst many others and more then three quarters of the worlds population

Mine consists of rape on numerous occasions that consisted of men and women, both old and young, by people I thought i could trust who had either sold me, used me, or gave me to someone else

Physical and emotional abuse from my peers and those elders we were taught to respect

Growing up i have met gay people, they were either disowned, beaten or killed. I don't really understand what it's like to remember the faces like many others do when they lose friends or family, for it didn't take long before even in my dreams, their faces became blurs, but the events still find it's way back into my mind.

I choose to care for those around me, not to be the kind soul or gental hearted person that wants to save the world. No i choose to care, because I can at least make someones life that much better just by smiling or doing a simple act of kindness. It isn't so hard, but it isn't done often enough.

I choose to put others before myself, because i have a habit of disreguarding myself and it is easier to focus on others problems then my own. I don't know how many times i had to take credit for a crime I never commited. I know i am going about it all wrong, but in the moment, even though your mind tells you to just tell the truth and all will be alright, maybe there will be a strain in trust or the relationship someway, somehow, my meart chooses to cover it up in hopes the person doesn't get upset with me and chooses to stay my friend. Sad because the reality of it just makes me a loser in many ways.

In Elementary school i was a bright kid, i could have accomplished so much, but i chose to dumb myself down in hopes of having the bullies back off and everyone else stop taking advantage of me. I guess i didn't realize until after i graduated high school and having helped so many others graduate and go to college that if i had focused on myself and just got my work done normally i could have actually gotten to a good college and escape these awful people that i would never have to see again.

I have a mother who cares and loves me with all her heart, but i can't give a single phone call once a day, instead it seems i can't wait for the conversation to end after three minutes and call once either once every couple of days and sometimes a week.

I have a father who doesn't need to be in my life, but tries. Our conversations consist of the "Hellos" and "How was your day" followed with a "be safe, I love you" short and not even a minute long. nothing straining the relationship just my own sense of time as though i have something better to do than talk to the man who has made an effort to be in my life.

I am married to a man I used to be unable to stand. Met in high school, became friends after my bestfriend had moved in with him. They hung out everywhere and a bit of envy set in for the one person keeping me sane in my life was taken from me, although it sounds silly, it is still how i felt. Now we are best of friends and married as equals, free to flirt and do what ever with whoever. It sounds like the perfect relationship, when it isn't a relationship at all. Who would have thought my first marriage was without the love you'd see in the movies, it is more a relationship of siblings than lovers. Sad really, it is the only relationship i've ever known other than being used as a sexual object for anyone to use, because maybe just maybe it's all i am actually good for.

What am i good at, i'm not sure, I really don't know, I am good at talking to people and making friends, actually holding the conversation or keeping interst i am not too good at and actually keeping a friendship that lasts more than a few days is close to impossible considering no one has "time" for anything. Work, school, volunteer, family, friends, etc. there is always something I have to do, although this truly is not the case, i just tend to find staring at the four walls of my bedroom more entertaining than attempting to embarress myself anymroe than i should.

I can't sleep at night, there are unwanted memories that like to slither their way into them. I am terrified to sleep. I barely take my small naps just so i don't have to dream. just darkness, somewhere i find comfort. unhealthy, but it's what gets me through each and every day i suppose.

Published in Anxiety General Blog

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