Hi everyone. I'm brand new to the site so not sure what to do with it quite yet but I just wanted to introduce myself.
My name is Olivia, 19, USA. Currently I'm taking a semester off of college to try an work on my anxiety that I have lived with for as long as I can remember. It's been rough being home and I just need people to talk to. All my friends are off at school and I just feel completely lost and helpless/hopeless. My mom has been great througout this process and has really just been my rock. But the more time I spend at home the more I feel myself regressing back to my terrible hermit-esque habits...I want to be back at school. I want to be happy. I want to be anxiety free. I now this will be a lifelong battle but I just want it to get a little better everyday. I'm on my second maybe third month of Prozac and I personally feel like it has been super helpful. And along with the prozac I have been seeing a thrapist once a week. She's incredible and I know that I'm in good hands.
It's all jst really confusing right now. I'm trying to figure out where to start to tell my story.
Anyway. I wasn't planning on writing all of this. I will hopefully fill you in on more tomorrow. It's late and I need sleep. Tomorrow is sure to be an anxious one. My mother is making me apply for a job while I'm home and to say I'm worried about it is an understatement.
Love to all.
Looking forward to meeting some new friends and figuring it out together.
Oh The Places You Will Go - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20mMbEB0OhA
Had a great day today! I went out to have my professional license documents sorted out and decided to visit my old university for kicks with my friend Sam. Sam was decent company, the faculty was really nice. I had a lengthy conversation with an all professor about my anxiety and about meditation etc.
The best was when I we walked along the corridor and my old statistics teacher ushered me in her classroom when I waved at her. She introduced me to her class proudly as one of the few who passed the board exam. I was flushed but I appreciated it. I have to admit, it was nice.
Had some anxiety peppered here or there but I managed to ignore it. I hope this will go on.
For the rest of the day I just hung out with Sam.
The day gave no sign that anything unusual was going to happen that day, it was supposed to be any other day, started with a breakfast with coffee.
After breakfast, I chugg.ed down the last of my coffee and proceeded to wash the dishes, mom was in the living room watching television and my brother was somewhere in the background.
After washing the dishes, I felt a little warm and nauseous, my nose was itching, I thought that I was going to come down with the flu. I sat down, feeling tired all of a sudden when a wave of nausea hit me, my heart beat fast. I turned to my mom, not knowing what to say, I did not want to worry her, I told her that I felt dizzy.
She replied with a reprimand as my mom usually does, so I turned my head back to the television. But I just could not shake off the nausea.
It got worse, my head felt like it was spinning, I could hear my heart beating fast, I was trying to catch my breath. I told my mom calmly, help me I feel dizzy; I think it was the coffee.
My heart beat faster, my feet were constricting and so did my hands, my arms and legs followed until it went up my chest, it feel so tight, I could not breathe and I thought that I was having a heart attack, that I was going to die.
I was told to breathe deeply, and I did, my brother bought me a glass of water, my mom massaged my arms with oil, they yelled for my dad.
I remember my mom telling me to pray. I was scared as fuck so I tried it and went ''God, please''. Of course, as an atheist, I immediately felt silly and dropped the prayer and focused on my breathing.
They took me to the emergency room, the nurses sat me down. The doctor checked my vitals. She said that my airways were not blocked but my pulse was abnormally fast and that I was probably having a panic attack.
They put me on bed and gave me a paper bag to breathe in. I must commend the nurse for making a sturdy bag out of used bond paper and adhesive tape. Clearly, it was newly made because I could still smell the adhesive. My brother came in to watch over me, and said to me in a serious manner ''Janna, if this is because you got pregnant, just tell us already''. I could not help but laugh, he did not know I was gay.
I was trying to calm down, watching the paper bag go in and out of itself was calming. My limbs were tingling all over; I could still hear my heart. I was alone with until a nurse came by and I was cheered up, although I was undoubtedly in distress, I was not blind, she was pretty. She chatted with me a little as she wrapped the blood pressure measuring apparatus around my arm, I couldn't help it, I flexed my biceps.
Still feeling shitty but happy, a different nurse came in asked my bro to leave and conducted an ECG, it was cool, they stuck some electrodes on me which was no problem because I had no bra on in the first place.
The doctor came by to interpret the results, it was normal except for the abnormally fast heart beat. She prescribed something to slow down my heart which my sister did not approve off. My sister is a doctor herself and was worried that my heart would slow down to much. So she gave me just a tiny bit of the meds.
It took me about 5 hours to calm down, they were going to confine me to a different hospital but just got a second opinion instead and I went home. I would like to say that was the end of it but alas, it was only the beginning.
Had a mixed day today. During school I had to sit through a reading of a novel where, unfortunately, a character gets raped in one chapter. I'm still uneasy after reading and I really don't want to continue. Later on, during Composition class, I just broke down during a freewriting session and just sat with my head down, realizing that my writing is just terrible. But on the upside, I was able to practice using my tablet today. I made a little present for my friend who's been having a rough time, and I love seeing her happy.
I'm pretty glad that I joined this website. I'm not entirely sure on how it works, so I'll have to ask around. I just avoided a pretty clever made scam from Calm Clinic. Hopefully they don't charge me or anything like that. I should probably stick with anxiety in these entries though. Yesterday evening, I had a really harsh cold flash and a nasty headache. I could not sleep at all, I kept tossing and turning so much, but I was too sleepy to get out of bed. Right now my head's still hurting, and I hope it goes away soon. I'm still very worried about my social life and how my anxiety will affect it. I just feel really terrible right now.