I sometimes feel as though I cannot breathe. I have had two anxiety attacks in the past year, the only ones I have ever had. But when I get anxiety, my heart beats fast. I begin to flush, and avoid eye contact with anyone near me. I fidget and get sweaty. But more than the physicals, I am so deeply terrified of whatever is giving me this anxiety that I can barely even act rationally. Simply biking though my neighborhood is a stressful experience. I wonder if the people outside are judging me, and whenever a car goes by, my throat closes up. I do anything to avoid crossing the street while a car is waiting. Talking on the phone is terrifying to me, as well as interacting with little children when their parents are present.
I cannot explain any of this to you, or why it happens. But it makes me feel very alone. I've never met someone with G.A.D. before, or talked to someone with it. I have considered going to a group therapy for anxiety as well as psychotherapy but none are around me that I can find. If you suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, or any anxiety disorder at all, you can talk to me. I'd be very grateful. And that really goes for anyone struggling. I've also suffered from major depression and so I have insight and experience into that, although I'm not in any way a doctor or psychologist, I can give my advice.
Anyway, I wish you luck in your recovery, and if you want you can talk to me.
Today in therapy, I ended up re-sharing somthing because one of the therapists was away the day that I shared it. She pointed out how every time I talk I sit extremely still and it does not look natural. I explained that that is the result of many years of training myself not to move. I did this because my hands and feet were always moving as a kid. My mom always told me it was a bad habbit that I needed to fix because starting bad habits at a young age would lead to bad habbits as an adult. When I was around 9 I was still moving too mcuh, so I was taken to many doctors to see what kind of disease or disability I had. Years later, I was told that I had a very minor neurological movement disorder, but nothing was serious and about it and it really didn't make any difference in mine or anyone else's life. After that, my mom was pretty satisfied that there was a somewhat diagnosis and I just moved on with life.
It really doesn't seem like a huge life event to me so I don't really think about it much. I was telling the psychiatrist in my group about it and right away he says "the reason you weren't getting anywhere with medical docotrs is beause that isn't a disease or disability. That's a very common way that children show anxiety". That totally makes a lot of sense. It's a scary thought that I could have possibly had surgery, taken drugs, or who knows what else for something I didn't have. I am very thankful that the doctor's back in the day basically gave a "we couldn't think of anythng else" diagnosis and left it at that. Imagine how much worse things could have been if they had tried to go on treating me for something serious when there's nothing there.
It also feels pretty good to know that I did not have a bad habbit, or anything else that I was told I had. Its also comforting to know that this is yet another aspect of my life that is going to get better as I get more control over my anxiety.