**WARNING: 18+ material discussed**
Today I went into the sex shop I seem to be frequenting lately and decided to start on account on porn rentals. This is both good and bad. Now I feel as though I have unlimited access to porn, but I am saving money on a positive note by just renting, rather than buying porn.
I seem to be masturbaring more and more often as well. I'm estimating about 6 - 8 times a day, now. When I'm at work it's less at least, but even then sometimes I'll run off to the bathrooms and do it.
I notice that the more I delve back into my addiction the less I pay attention to my hobbies. I haven't thought about or attempted in working on my web site in weeks. I'm trying to stay active in my photography, but lately the type of photography I *want* to do is more adult themed. Haven't hit that quite yet, but I fear I'm going in that direction.
I haven't heard anything from the Sex Addicts Anonymous group. :( I may call again and leave another message, but I'm feeling pretty hopeless. I think I might join an online support group. I'm sure my boyfriend will hate it, but I'm feeling so desperate for help at this point.
Follow my blogging journey here http://anxietygirlsings.blogspot.co.nz/
When you fall back into that spiral of anxiety (yet) again, give yourself time to get your strength back, and then step back into the battle again.
No matter how often you fall, you will always get through and you will be able to start again.
Sometimes it feels like you can't possibly keep trying to beat it. It will always get the better of you eventually, and to an extent, it's true. We can never be completely rid of anxiety, but we can learn to manage it, and in doing so, we can live our lives more 'normally' and achieve things we really want to achieve.
Of course, I'm not a professional, and who am I to be giving advice. To be honest, I am giving this advice to myself. I fall backwards regularly, and each time I get depressed and convince myself that I will never be able to do anything, that I can never beat it, and that it's just not worth even trying anymore. Yet everytime, I slowly get out of that spiral (and yes, it can take a couple of months or more), and pick myself up, and start again.
It really is a case of, 2 steps forward, 1 step back - and sometimes, it can be more like 4 steps back. But at least each time I try again, I make even a little progress. I hope that you are too. If you feel like you aren't, try making small goals when you are on the way up, for instance, mine are often as small as "I will arrange to have coffee with a friend", or "I will go into the supermarket and buy something", at the start. But quickly they grow from that and I find myself making bigger goals, such as "I'm going to blog to the world about my social anxiety" and "I'm going to organise a cabaret so that I can practise performing", which (incidentally), make me equally as happy as the small goals did when I achieved them.
I'm under no illusion that I will fall again, probably in the near future. But while I am on the up, I will make those forward steps as big as I can, so that when I do fall, I have less far to climb back.