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Friday, 29 April 2016 05:35

Anxiety Stricken

Anxiety hurts. Depression hurts. The worst part about it is you don’t see it coming. When it strikes you have no control. You are left feeling hopeless. You can’t breathe. You suddenly have people around you separating themselves from you. You become an excuse for other people’s behaviors. You become a burden on those who love you. People look down on you. People think you are weak. They don’t see or feel what you are going through. Breathing techniques don’t work. Exercise doesn’t help. Medication makes you foggy. I have no idea how to combat this illness that is within me. I have no idea how to stop hurting those I love. I don’t even realize that I am hurting them. It’s hard to find support. Because being someone of this disorder makes you not trust others. We have been hurt so many times in the past that it makes you feel as if no one can ever understand. The heart palpitations, shortness of breath, screaming, and severe muscle cramps makes it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. When anxiety strikes, it strikes fast and hard making it very difficult to see coming. Identifying your anxiety can prolong an attack, but unfortunately, you can’t stop it. You can only slow it down. It’s hard to put into words as to how these attacks feel. Mainly because I blackout when they happen. Then the next thing you know you have hurt a friend or a loved one because you can’t control yourself… no matter how hard you try. One thought turns into one hundred thoughts… those one hundred thoughts turn into a whirlpool of negativity attempting to bring you into the abyss. The hardest part is to stay above water… to keep pushing. It’s hard because you start to doubt everything around you. You ask yourself why you are even here. What is your purpose? All you seem to do is hurt yourself and others, right? Why do people lash out at me? Why do I lash out at others? Why am I alone when others surround me? So, many questions trigger in your brain. So quickly in fact that you cannot process what is happening. You just break down. Unfortunately, the only way you can seek comfort is by ending it all. The easiest solution seems to be removing yourself from the equation. Your friends and loved ones will seem happier if you are not around. How do you live with something so dark within you? I don’t want to take medication. I don’t want to my loved ones to feel obligated to treat me a certain way. I just want to be normal. I just want to be accepted. I don’t want to be an inconvenience. I want to be someone who is strong enough to help others. I am weak. I am broken. But only because I am having trouble facing my past, and what others have done to me. When you have anxiety, one small issue can trigger a previous emotion or memory causing your whole mental capacity to hone into that one moment. It’s almost impossible to recover from. I’ve had others ask me, “How do you expect me to live with someone like you all my life?” My only answer is I don’t know. I don’t even want to live with myself all of my life. I have nothing to offer. I live in a world held captive by this disease. I just want to be free from the hurt and the pain. I hold it in until I explode. When I explode its at the point of no return. I sometimes wish I could be locked away from the world, and myself. I wish I could find a way to be free…. to accept myself. I feel bad for those around me. I have nothing to offer them but pessimist thoughts and negativity. Only because that’s what I know and how I think. I want to be exposed to a world free from those thoughts. I don’t know if I will ever see this world only because the world I see now involves me. I hurt others. I break down. I hold grudges. I have no friends. I have no support. You don’t see people trying to help unless they know it’s too late. They only do this so they don’t have to go to bed at night feeling guilty about what they could have done differently. I now find myself alone fighting this battle. Fighting for ways to make it go away. Fighting for the moments in life you fear that you will never have. Anxiety hurts to the bone. Unfortunately, depression follows. Depression increases the anxiety and makes the recovery so much more painful. How could you at like this? Who thinks like this? Why is no one helping? Why can’t I stop? What’s wrong with me?  Who will ever love me? Why does no one love me? Why is no one there? It’s simple. They don’t understand. You don’t think normally. You cant no matter how hard you try. So, what’s the point of trying when everyone else has given up on you?

Published in Diary

Over five years ago, I married a man whom I thought would provide the support I was sorely lacking from my family as I was growing up.  I was wrong.  

Don't get me wrong.  He's wonderful in some aspects of our marriage, but only if he gets some benefit from it.  He's great at the intimate moments.  He'll come over and give me a hug and kiss when I'm working on my computer, when he wakes up, and randomly throughout the day.  He's great at making me smile and laugh.  He's great to doing things he will benefit from.  He's great at listening, when I want to bounce story ideas off him or when I talk about my goals.  However, he will never ask me about my goals and my writing if I don't bring it up first. I do ask him about school and work.  I encourage him to get help when he needs it and to keep going.

 I don't get this from him. He knows how much my writing means to me.  I'm not good, but it's the only talent I can say I have.  But, he never asks me about it or my other goals unless I bring it up. 

He seems to be completely oblivious when I get into depressive moods and will only comfort me if I say something. It's not as though I try to hide it.  I pretty much stop eating.  I'll lay around on the couch and do nothing but watch videos from Amazon's Instant Prime collection.  I stop writing and playing video games.  I've told him when I get like this it means I'm in one of my depressive moods.  But, each time it occurs, he seems to remain oblivious. 

He comes across as being very selfish as he only seems to fulfill the parts of the relationship that benefits him.

This has been going pretty much since we've been married.  And I've talked to him about it time and time again.  Each time he says he will do better, and he does, for a while, but then he reverts back to what he was doing before.  I'm tired.  I feel as though this is a one sided relationship.  I feel as though we are roommates with benefits instead of husband and wife.  I've told him that if he keeps it up I'm going to leave him.  I can't be in another selfish relationship.  Especially not now that I really need the support.  

As I said, I have encouraged him.  I even encouraged him to seek his own therapy for issues he was having.  Some of his issues are similar to what I have: depression and low-self esteem.  I encouraged him to seek help because I know what it is like to feel that way.  It is no way to live.  I just want him to be happy with himself.  

He's been diagnosed with ADD.  I can work with the fact that he can't seem to stay focused.  I can't work with the selfish part of his personality.  I can't live like this anymore, but I literally have no where to go.  And, believe me, I've already gone over the list of family members in my head. None of them are in the position to take on someone with Social Anxiety issues.  All of my friends that are relatively close by are the 'fair weather' types, so they aren't going to want anyone around who has issues.  Besides, they have families to take care of.  I'm not going to intrude.  I can't go out on my own, because I can't hold down a job yet.  

So, really all I have is my husband.  I could go out to Yellowstone to work as a dishwasher.  I might be able to handle that, but with my husband's ADD, how do I know I'll be able to come back to an apartment?  I have to keep ontop of my husband to find a job.  He doesn't have the drive to motivate himself and I can't trust that he'll keep ontop of the bills.  That much was clear when we first go married.  

Right now, I need my husband for the financial support and he needs me to keep his mind focused on what he needs to do so the worst doesn't happen because he can't focus or isn't motivated to do what needs done.  

  Hugs and kisses are nice, but they aren't what is most important to me.  What is important is getting the support and encouragement in the areas of my goals and the little talent I might have.  And I'm just not getting it. I don't know what to do.  I feel trapped.

Published in Diary
Monday, 30 September 2013 20:19

Crushes.

Alright so here's a little bit more of a light-hearted topic and I could really use your help with this one.

There's this guy I like (I know, exciting!) We talk occasionally and it's okay. THing is I wish I was more outgoing because I feel like he gets bored with me.. I don't mean to be so boring, but I really don't know what to say to keep conversations going.

But I can't ever be the one to start the conversations. I feel like he thinks I don't like him because I'm never the one to speak first. But on the other hand I feel like I can't because what if he doesn't like me like I like him and then I end up looking like a weirdo?

Haha I hope I didn't get anyone confused with this. Basically I want to keep talking to someone I like but I don't know how because I feel like I'm being a burden :[

Published in Diary
Monday, 30 November -0001 00:00

I Am Me, But Who Is Me?

I hate talking about myself

Usually when I do i find anything to slip past the situation

I have a troubled past amongst many others and more then three quarters of the worlds population

Mine consists of rape on numerous occasions that consisted of men and women, both old and young, by people I thought i could trust who had either sold me, used me, or gave me to someone else

Physical and emotional abuse from my peers and those elders we were taught to respect

Growing up i have met gay people, they were either disowned, beaten or killed. I don't really understand what it's like to remember the faces like many others do when they lose friends or family, for it didn't take long before even in my dreams, their faces became blurs, but the events still find it's way back into my mind.

I choose to care for those around me, not to be the kind soul or gental hearted person that wants to save the world. No i choose to care, because I can at least make someones life that much better just by smiling or doing a simple act of kindness. It isn't so hard, but it isn't done often enough.

I choose to put others before myself, because i have a habit of disreguarding myself and it is easier to focus on others problems then my own. I don't know how many times i had to take credit for a crime I never commited. I know i am going about it all wrong, but in the moment, even though your mind tells you to just tell the truth and all will be alright, maybe there will be a strain in trust or the relationship someway, somehow, my meart chooses to cover it up in hopes the person doesn't get upset with me and chooses to stay my friend. Sad because the reality of it just makes me a loser in many ways.

In Elementary school i was a bright kid, i could have accomplished so much, but i chose to dumb myself down in hopes of having the bullies back off and everyone else stop taking advantage of me. I guess i didn't realize until after i graduated high school and having helped so many others graduate and go to college that if i had focused on myself and just got my work done normally i could have actually gotten to a good college and escape these awful people that i would never have to see again.

I have a mother who cares and loves me with all her heart, but i can't give a single phone call once a day, instead it seems i can't wait for the conversation to end after three minutes and call once either once every couple of days and sometimes a week.

I have a father who doesn't need to be in my life, but tries. Our conversations consist of the "Hellos" and "How was your day" followed with a "be safe, I love you" short and not even a minute long. nothing straining the relationship just my own sense of time as though i have something better to do than talk to the man who has made an effort to be in my life.

I am married to a man I used to be unable to stand. Met in high school, became friends after my bestfriend had moved in with him. They hung out everywhere and a bit of envy set in for the one person keeping me sane in my life was taken from me, although it sounds silly, it is still how i felt. Now we are best of friends and married as equals, free to flirt and do what ever with whoever. It sounds like the perfect relationship, when it isn't a relationship at all. Who would have thought my first marriage was without the love you'd see in the movies, it is more a relationship of siblings than lovers. Sad really, it is the only relationship i've ever known other than being used as a sexual object for anyone to use, because maybe just maybe it's all i am actually good for.

What am i good at, i'm not sure, I really don't know, I am good at talking to people and making friends, actually holding the conversation or keeping interst i am not too good at and actually keeping a friendship that lasts more than a few days is close to impossible considering no one has "time" for anything. Work, school, volunteer, family, friends, etc. there is always something I have to do, although this truly is not the case, i just tend to find staring at the four walls of my bedroom more entertaining than attempting to embarress myself anymroe than i should.

I can't sleep at night, there are unwanted memories that like to slither their way into them. I am terrified to sleep. I barely take my small naps just so i don't have to dream. just darkness, somewhere i find comfort. unhealthy, but it's what gets me through each and every day i suppose.

Published in Anxiety General Blog

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