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Displaying items by tag: started

Wednesday, 25 July 2012 14:18

Where to start?

Oh where to start.. I suppose by introducing myself. 

My name is Cassandra (a.k.a: Turbo Penguin), I'm (almost) 27 and I live in Ontario, Canada. I have had issues with anxiety since... god knows when it really started. 

See when I first started to have issues with anxiety was when I was very young. I vaguely remember going to my parents (adopted at the time) and saying it felt like someone was on my chest, that I couldn't breath, and that I didn't feel good. They would say that it was either guilt or that it was growing pains, it would go away. 

It wasn't until many many years later that I was able to get a name to this issue and then I started to actually understand and be able to begin even understanding anything that was going on with me. I started to see a counsellor and try to begin working through some issues, but that didn't work out so well, I started to fear and not trust her, then it lead to feelings of judgement and dishonour, which then started the cycle... I wouldn't go to see her, and then what I thought was having a handle on the anxiety lead to dangerous behaviours, getting depressed worse, and more frequent until it was almost a state of always. I'd drink, and do other things that I'm not proud of, but it was how I coped - if I didn't care; then how would anything bug me? Simple: It won't because you're numb and down enough that it's just pointless to even spare a thought. I then got really, really sick. To the point where I could not stay awake for even five minutes, or to have a conversation with someone. I'd fall asleep waiting for the bathroom. It was crazy. The doctor I went and saw said it was  depression and put me on a strong does of Xanax. I slept even more. Even better - I started getting even more sick, with a cold from hell, I was going through 2-3 rolls of toilet paper blowing my nose, I couldn't keep food down, breathing was near impossible, a friends mother said I had pneumonia, but I slept and slept and slept. At about 10-11 weeks in to this insanity I started being awake more often. I was regaining life, and got myself a new job... the original ad said part time 15-20 hrs a week. After we did training we were told it was 40 hrs a week. Most people would be happy, but I wasn't... it was too much, too soon. So I tried to tough it out and make it through. I ended up leaving there very soon after starting. 

 

You see, there are some things that will trigger anxiety in me - new job, work, starting something new, going somewhere new - one may say that I fear the unknown, so much so that my body starts to malfunction. I still to this day have not overcome this big step, but I'm trying to work on it. 

I'm starting my new job today - maybe all my anxiety is for nothing. 

Published in Diary

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