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Displaying items by tag: work

Saturday, 23 August 2014 15:03

The disliker and the disliked.

I haven't written anything in a long time. I like to write but almost never do anymore, because I have everything but shut down in the area of things that make me happy or bring me joy. It must be my way of coping. Pushing away pleasurable things because I feel so overwhelmed and keyed up I feel like I just can't start or do anything. I want to write again, to draw, to create, it is a big part of me. Yet whenever I try it highlights this self loathing process, where I feel like I am so inferior in my ability that I don't even want to do it, which I know is all or nothing thinking but the discomfort from the thought makes me lose my "creative spirit" and I lose interest.  I just think too much period. That is what is ironic about it. The thinking generates the ability to be creative and at the same time thinking too much, being too creative, takes you down this rabbit hole that keeps you from having creativity that benefits you or others in any way. The trick is to be present and accept that I am thinking but at the same time not get trapped by the thinking. To observe the thoughts but not find myself being my thoughts. I really struggle with that. I have to catch myself. I often say I am depressed, but I am not so much depressed as I FEEL depressed. I have emotions that are not happy emotions. The thoughts which are not me trigger emotions which are not me and then I act and the acting is me because it is the choice I make based on those emotions and thoughts. I live in this state of worry that I will upset someone, look bad, be caught in my inability and even though I know all of this is silly and irrelevant I have auto-acted to where I don't often find myself able to identify what exact thought or secondary emotion triggers the entire process. I go through the process every day when I am around people, before during and after conversations and encounters. It eats up all my time. I highly dislike it but I am the disliker and the disliked. I want to change, but the hardest thing to change is yourself. It's easy to change jobs, addresses, and outside encounters. It makes no sense because it's like a computer that has a virus. The operating system keeps doing what it has always done and cannot fix itself, and in a way by doing what it has always done makes the problem worse. Then I scan and clean it up because I am also the user of the computer. I am aware of my cognitive distortions, but I have yet to overcome the phobia, because it's like I do it automatically without thought. Or the thoughts come later when breaking them down doesn't seem to benefit me. I have the overall thoughts beat, I can talk back to them, or be present and not generate them sometimes. The hardest challenges are motivation, thought tolerance, and social interaction. I have it narrowed down to those. At the same time I see a bit of perfectionist in there. At what point will I be happy with myself? I am not a failure, I am actually rediculously sucessful in light of what I overcame in my past. I have made huge strides in my mental health. What will be good enough? I can talk, I absolutely hate and second guess everything that comes out but I get out there and do it. I have a job and noone has fired me yet. What is the gauge I should use for, I am ok enough?  A little unfocused rant but there it is. 

Published in Diary
Monday, 05 May 2014 23:22

One of the Craziest days of my life

5 of may, 2014: One of the craziest days of my life.


I still work as a software developer on a company here in Rio, Brazil, that gave me a chance to come back to the workforce, after a year working on a family business while treating my condition. Today i woke up tortured by another bad night of anxiety and fear... I have been working on a project for Sulamérica, a insurance company here that is a very important client for us.



Published in Diary
Monday, 06 January 2014 09:19

Monday 6th Jan 2014

So Monday morning. 

Typical Monday. 

Work with a headache, feeling tired.

Anxiety is high - fears of heart attack or losing my mind.

Derealisation is high - world is very unreal / surreal. 

Pluses - I am at work.I have felt...worse.  Just need to accept this as normal and try not to fight it....

Published in Diary
Monday, 30 September 2013 16:59

Issues at work and small great victories

Everything is good with me today. That should make me feel better... and i am, but i went through this so many times, i know i should be aware with my reaction to things, and observe other peoples behavior to compare it. I don't put pressure on myself to be like them, but i observe events that make me nervous, and make sure i am reacting in a healthy way comparing myself with other people's behavior.


Here in my new job, as developers, we use a technique that recquires a short reunion at morning everyday. All the software factory get toguether and speak about what we did yesterday, and what we will do today, one by one, person by person. It normaly takes 20 minutes. It is useful for sharing experiences and know who can help you with a complex problem, and pehaps find someone that had faced it before.


I was relaxed the first days speaking about it, but last week, one day i could not sleep thinking about what i should say in the morning. I was having trouble with a project, that now is finished on schedule to the amazement of my colleagues, but at the time i was unsure i should just say that i was still on the same issue. The next day at morning i got late at work, and missed the reunion (the anxiety disturbed my sleep and getting up)… i did not hesitate and went speak with my boss (that knows about my Social Anxiety), and told him i did not knew it would be an issue, but it was. His sugestion was that we spoke everyday before i went out home about what i should say the next morning, and we do that everyday.


I am very lucky to have a boss like that. Makes me feel more inclinated to help the company in whatever work they need; and i wish more companies teach this attitude to their leaders. Leaders should not just assume employees are lazy.


One thing i should mention as my difference in my Social Anxiety, and as an advice to you: In the reunions i never appear shy, and differently from my colleagues that enjoy chatting and joking with other colleagues freely during work, but in reunions lower their heads and speak very low having trouble to chose words... i keep using the techniques i trained filming myself and reading about it: Speak clearly; look in the eyes of people and respond with a smile when they smile; show that you are open to advices and comments and ask for it when necessarily; show that you are in trouble about some issue at work, because that shows your are humble, and people like this. Be the person i want to hear and see in myself.


I am not saying it is easy to do. But i keep training it. I sweat, became nervous, but slowly i am getting used to it, and speak better and better in front of people. The only difficulty is that i still have to know in advance what i have to say… my next step is beeing relaxed EVEN if i don’t have nothing to say, or have to come up with it at the spot. Rome was not built in a day…


Sometimes it is funny how people assume i am charismatic and easy going, when i have such issues with anxiety. The difference between me and their behavior and thinking is pehaps that i am such a nerd, not only in work, but about my own problems. I apply my education in my own life, not only in academy and work. We can figure out how to solve things with science, and practice teaching ourselves, and bring down the notion that we will always be as the way we were born or grew up to be.


... i also am aware i have issues, and i am not in denial.


Small victories are coming one by one, and it is very important to us to keep track of them to make us remember that the effort is not useless.

Published in Diary
Sunday, 08 September 2013 05:47

The Interrogation

Hey guys, quick update from my last post. I brought my doctor's note to my boss today and she was all like "i've noticed a change in you recently, you are not bubbly and friendly like you were you are very abrupt and I don't want you treating custoemrs that way". Bleh, if I noticed a dramatic change in someone i'd automatically think depression, anxiety, or just stress in general. Nope Ms uncaring pretty much told me I had to stop. But, the thing is, I'm not like that at all to customers, infact I've been told many times by the customers themselves that they appreciate how I do things rather than how my pushy boss does things. The only person on the planet I've been "abrupt" with is her. While I agree that it may not be the best way to handle things I do it because I know I'm not going to be there much longer and rather than fight her on it I just smile and nod. Anyways I said I want my old hours back, she asked me a million questions that had nothing to do with anything, but I really hope I get them back!

Published in Diary
Friday, 09 August 2013 04:09

Starting High School

So I'm new to this website. I found out about it through Twitter and figured I should check it out. I'm 14, so I'm going to start my first year of high school in September. I'm nervous (more nervous than I usually am). Whenever I try to tell my parents or anyone about how scared and worried I am about starting high school, they always brush it off and say that everyone is nervous about high school and that it'll turn out fine. Well ok. I didn't realize everyone had Generalized Anxiety Disorder to deal with. I hate it so much when people try to act like their minimal stress is anything similar to what it's like spending every second of your life worrying about things that probably don't even matter. BEING STRESSED AND HAVING AN ANXIETY DISORDER ARE NOT SYNONOMOUS! But anyway, back to what I was saying. So my school didn't give us any information or any details about how things work at the school. We've already had three orientations and I still don't know what time school starts. There are common knowledge things about the school day that I don't know and that scares me a lot. In just a few short weeks, I'm going to be walking into a school I know nothing about with a bunch of people I barely know in a situation that's completely new to me. You know, in my middle school, we didn't have locks on our lockers. I'm going to go to school and look like an idiot because I don't know how to open a combination lock. Then everyone is just going to stare at me and I'll be known as the girl who couldn't open her fucking locker. They also didn't give us a list of supplies we need for our classes. What if I forget to buy something from Staples? I'll seem unprepared. The best advice I've ever gotten in life was that you only get one chance to make a first impression. What if I fuck it up? In addition to that, the first three weeks of school, my bedroom is being redone. That means I'll be getting a crappy night sleep on an air mattress in my play room for almost the entire first month of school. As if that wasn't ENOUGH stress, my parents are making me get a job being a referee for little kids soccer games. I'll already have to wake up early for school and wake up early to do volunteer work on Sundays, but now I also have to wake up at 7:30 on Saturdays. I barely get any sleep already because I'm up all night FUCKING WORRYING ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS! And even when I do sleep, It's a challenge to actually stay asleep. I know it's only the beginning of August, but even thinking about September is making my stomach sick. As a little side note,my left arm is numb too. Does that ever happen to any of you? But on a more positive note, this is a col website. I really enjoy being able to vent like this. You can expect to see me on here a lot more :]


- Val

Published in Diary
Thursday, 08 August 2013 18:23

So much things to say so soon

It gets me a bit sad that so soon after my first diary entry i already have so much to write about. Friends and family insist i invent those things, but i let you to decide if this is just my imagination.


I came to a realization that my father blocks me. Now i need to be totally honest about it, since this thought bring us several pre conceived ideas of what blocking other people is. To start this exploration, i will start with a little outside history everybody know... and then go deep inside of it.


Published in Diary
Wednesday, 07 August 2013 03:26

Unable to function

Time to get home, to get a rest and sleep, because tomorrow you need to be okay to function again, right?


I wish my life worked that way. Coming back home, and be alone, means i will be start thinking about what i have done, said, listened, everything that happened around me. My mind wont stop until my body simply gives up on exaustion. I already lost 5 jobs because of that. if you dont sleep and wake on time... there is no way you can keep a job.


Right now, i have a work to do. Anxiety is torturing me now. I decided i should write about it, since it has worked before... Here its 00:55 AM, so why im thinking of work now?


My reasons to try it in such a strange time are maybe too lengthy to write here, but i think its enough if i say i am on a vicious-circle: I need money to execute my plans; when i try to work i get anxious and cant work; i cant work, so i cant get the money; why am i anxious? because i can't execute my plans (or couldn't); so i have to work to try to make them happen... and so on. I'm amazed i haven't break yet. One positive anedoctal evidence in favor of paroxetine here!

Published in Diary
Saturday, 20 April 2013 21:25

Molehills and Mountains

I made a mistake at work yesterday. My immediate supervisor - who has been helping in our classroom - went with another class on a field trip and II overreacted to a situation while she was gone. I walked out of the classroom - it was still in ratio, but we are supposed to have 3 people in the room at all times because of behaviors - and called a supervisor at the office, in tears, for help. There were other supervisors in her office who overheard. They immediately overreacted as well and went to the director. When my supervisor came back from the field trip, there were 3 managers in the classroom - the one I had spoken to and the 2 who overreacted. She. was. pissed. And she blamed me, because none of it would have happened if I hadn't made the phone call. She demanded to know why I left the room, why I called the office when I knew she would be back, and made it clear that I started a shit storm that was completely unnecessary. I of course started crying again and apologized over and over and tried to explain but she was just so angry. At me, at the other supervisors, at the whole situation. She has been my biggest support system for the past few months and I fucked it all up over a phone call. 


This morning I texted a supervisor (the one I called yesterday) and asked her for help. She claims that the other supervisor isn't mad at me, she's made at the other supervisors for their actions and the way they spoke to her. I want to believe her but I don't. I'm afraid to go to work on Monday. I'm afraid of what will happen, what will be said, and that whatever relationship we had is completely gone because I reacted to something on pure emotion instead of buckling down and dealing with it myself. I want to curl up in a ball and cry and sleep and quit and just... I don't know. I keep replaying the argument in my head and I can't make it stop, she was so angry and I know she blames me. It's my fault. And I can't take it back. Nothing I can say or do will fix this. All these intrusive thoughts, that I thought I was starting to get a handle on, are coming back in full force. I'm afraid to talk to anybody right now - even my mom - because I don't want to talk about it, don't want to cry anymore, but it's all I can think about. I don't know what to do. I did this to myself and I can't take it back. 

I need someone to help me, someone to make it better, but no one can. No one can help me with this. 

Published in Diary
Tuesday, 02 April 2013 21:53

7 More Weeks...

We all keep telling each other - just 7 more weeks. We can make it, we're almost done. And if the remainder of the school year goes as well as today did, we should be fine. Yes, there were a few small outbursts - I was punched 3 times, my co-worker had a wooden airplane thrown at her face, etc. but it's been worse. Much, much worse. I worked with my supervisor to make a chart for a specific child, something for him to do on the bus to keep him occupied. He is "in charge" of keeping attendance, marking off his classmates' pictures as they get off the bus. There is also space for him to tally the number of animals he sees during the route. Hopefully this will help! 

I am officially enrolled in a Nonviolent Crisis Intervention training as well as the state conference. Should be interesting, to say the least! Hopefully I will pick up something useful because at this point I am out of ideas. 

Published in Diary
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We are a community of people struggling with mental health issues, you are not alone!