So it's been a hectic/stressful/fun few days. We had my mom over from Friday until Sunday. It was nice visiting with her but my partner was a little on edge. I just wanted to be sure the place was nice and neat and that she was well tended to. Over all I think it was a good visit. Saturday was my nephew and cousins 21st birthday party! That was a lot of fun. I had a great time seeing family and friends I hadn't seen in a while. Had a few drinks, caught up with some family. Lots of laughs. I was anxious the entire time but was able to keep it in check. Which was both surprising and nice. Everyone that showed up was in good spirits and polite.
Well, of course it couldn't just end on a good note. When we got home, later that night, my partner told me that he was a ganged up on by some of my cousins. According to him they basically chastised him because they (apparently) feel that my mom isn't getting as much help from us as they think she should be getting. He says they made him feel judged and persecuted for not being there enough for my mom. It was all done in their typical passive aggressive "I know better" way. I wasn't there for this conversation. I have to take his word for it and it's not unlike them to do this type of stuff so I believe him. Obviously hearing all this made me feel all sorts of different ways. Mostly I felt stupid and I felt like I just got slapped across the face. I had a great time. I was talking and laughing. All the while my partner is getting reprimanded for something that isn't even his responsibility. I was pissed by this point. So, I send off a very mature and cordial email to my cousin letting her know that, while I appreciate her concern, there is nothing to worry about and that contrary to what my mom says she is well taken care of. She responds with an apology and an assertion that she had no hidden agenda or anything.
Now I just feel kind of deflated. The entire good time is now overshadowed by this petty family drama that seems to come with every family get together. It's tiring. I feel bad that my partner had to go through that and I feel a little bad that I sent that email. I just don't want anyone to be hurt or uncomfortable but I can't let these things just go either. It's been a couple of days since and I am hoping that there is no fall out because of it. I just want to be able to have adult conversations with my family without feeling like I'm betraying them. I feel like I did the right and mature thing to do. I just hope my partner was reading the situation right. And, judging by my family's past behaviors and his credibility, I trust that he did.
Anyway, if nothing else I can say that A) My nephew and cousin had a great time which was the important thing and B) I totally stepped out of my comfort zone this weekend. Good or bad I did so many things I wouldn't normally do. That being said I think it's going to be a while before I do such a large get together again. It takes a lot out of me.
I spend a lot of time in the house and alone. Because of my anxiety that's just easier. But it's also driving me crazy(er). I want desperately to find something to occupy my time that I can be proud of. Or at least something constructive. Yet I have ZERO motivation or drive. I am a smart guy who isn't afraid of getting my hands dirty yet I can barely get my ass off my couch. I think of things I could be doing but those those things either require me to leave my house on a regular basis or they are things that I just can't bring myself to enact. I am ashamed and afraid of all the time I am wasting and have wasted already. I'm 37 and live like a 77 year old recluse. It's sad and it's pissing me off. Sometimes I wish I just had someone to write out an agenda for me so I had a list to follow. I just don't know where to start. I am very concerned with my lack of motivation and drive. I just have none. It's even getting harder to care about how this is effecting my relationships. It all seems like so much that I just throw my hands up and say "screw it". I know I will regret all this wasted time but I just don't know where to start. I feel trapped. I feel lost. I feel out of touch. I want to just start trying to fix some of the broken stuff in me and there is so much I don't know where to start. I just wish with all my heart that I could gain an ounce of motivation. My mind, heart and body are all in different places.
So my partner has been working on our respective family trees lately. A LOT. He has found a lot of very interesting information and connections. It's been so so. It's not something I am immediately drawn to but I get it's importance. A lot of medical and general information is to be had by doing a family tree. However, now he's at a point where he's actually reaching out to my relatives that I either don't know or don't care to connect with. The whole thing makes me very uncomfortable. He has already contacted a distant uncle, a half sister and an aunt. I know my half sister, but have never even met the other two. I appreciate the intent. I do. I love that he is interested in this topic. But it's become too much. I even told him as much. I said "I appreciate your interest in my family tree, but you're opening doors that aren't yours to open". He seemed to understand that but jumped right back in like a mad man obsessed. Now I just say "that's nice hon" or "ohh, cool". I have stated time and again how uncomfortable this all makes me but it doesn't seem to make much difference. Which is weird because he's not normally like that.
So now I have my partner of 10 years talking to my family members who I either have never spoken to or haven't in a LONG time. I'm pretty irritated by it but if I keep saying so I come across as the shrill nag who looks crazy for NOT wanting to make these connections. The whole thing is really making me not only dislike the whole 'Family Tree' thing but it's building resentment. I am feeling like I am either not being heard or that my feelings are somehow irrelevant. At this point I don't know if I am the one out of line or he is. But at the end of the day shouldn't how much we communicate with my family be up to me? How would he feel if I invited his older brother, with whom he does not speak, over for coffee so we could catch up on his family tree? Ugh, In just want this whole thing to stop. All of this over a 'Family Tree'.
Well I have a birthday party I am supposed to go to this Saturday and I already want to cancel. I feel the anxiety poking it's head out reminding me how uncomfortable I'll be. And this is a family party! I wish I could at least feel comfortable around my own family. I love my family and I am very grateful that we are a larger family. But I would love just one month where there isn't a birthday or holiday or some sort of get together planned. I can, and do, say 'No thank you' more often than not but I feel compelled and obligated to go to these events once in a while just to show my face and show people I'm still around and able to group up and that I'm not a total flake. But, man, it takes so much out of me. I would much rather sit at home and avoid all human interaction. However that's not likely or healthy, I guess. I'll probably end up cancelling, feeling guilty and avoiding that person for a while after. Yup, I know my cycles. Now if I could just break them. That's still a work in progress. Who knows. Maybe I'll just force myself to go and see what happens.
I am finding that some small part of me must like or be so used to feeling anxious that I seek out things that make me anxious. I am so tired of feeling anxious over every single thing. I am trying to recognize when I am running anxious thoughts through my head and stop or redirect them. I spend so much energy on being anxious that I have little left to actually pay attention to others. It has to stop. I need to get a grasp on my anxiety because something has to change and I want to live an as normal and productive life as I can. I feel like my life has been on hold for 10 years because it's just easier to stay inside and avoid all situations I possibly can. One simply can't do that forever. It's not healthy and it's not productive. Two things I desperately want to be.