Just to let y'all know, I'm super-nervous about writing this. Not even due to fear of judgment, but because I want to replicate the experience and try to get my thoughts down the best I can....and they're slipping away. Okay.....*breathe in, breathe out* Please bear with me, this is unnerving but very therapeutic for me, to come to terms with this after many years of burying it into my subconscious.
On Wednesday night (I think...either Wednesday night or Tuesday night) of this week, I climbed into bed with the full intention of falling asleep within a few minutes, like any other night. Instead, my mind began to race. I felt agitated and restless. I kept having to sit up in bed and put my head in my hands, because laying down wasn't offering any relief. Then the rush of emotions and negative thoughts came swirling in.
"You crave attention and obsess over people. You can't have a real relationship or even friendship because it's all about what you want in that very moment. "........"You bounce from person to person to not feel so alone."........."Evan...Nick...Ken...Adrian...Irfan."......."Why won't you learn??? You're 24 and you're still very much a child."........"You have missed so many opportunities with friendships, possible relationships, and leadership roles in your young adult life. When will you change?"
Loneliness, jealousy, longing, guilt.
And then came the memories. Memories that I didn't even know were hiding back there. It was a Saturday, and me and Meagan, my sister, were at home watching Space Camp. (It's a cheesy movie for kids that we rented from the library, about a group of teenagers going to space camp, and danger awaits them. Anyway...) I was eight, Meagan was twelve. We were halfway through the movie, and I was really bored with it. Besides, I couldn't focus on what was happening in it. There was a palpable tension in the house...the house I had grown up in, the only home I'd ever known. Mom and Dad kept going in and out of their bedroom, sometimes together, sometimes alone. I had no clue what was going on, but something wasn't right. The feeling in the house even had a texture to it....it was rough and jagged. Occassionally I would hear their voices. They were raised, and the words were coming faster and faster. But they were muffled and somehow subdued behind the walls of the house. I tried to center all my attention on Space Camp. But I never knew how it would end (and I still don't.)
"Why don't you go golf with your fucking friends?!?" The bedroom door swung open as the words tumbled out, and slammed shut after them as one of my parents left the room.
I stared at my lap. Meagan stared pointlessly at the ancient 80s TV screen. This was the end. I never knew it would happen like this, but at the same time, I knew it all along. When we were riding in the car to the library to pick up a movie, Mom was in a listless mood. "What do you guys want to watch....."
Before I knew it, Meagan was crying hysterically. God, I can even remember the shirt she was wearing. Red and white plaid with little red flowers in the squares. I don't remember ever moving, but somehow I was curled up in her lap, silent, completely numb. The characters in the movie were lost in space. And so was I. My whole world was falling apart around me before my eyes.
A suitcase. Meagan bawling and pleading. Mom pacing the kitchen.
I heard the garage door open and one of the cars rumble out noisily. I couldn't move. I was eight years old and my life was shattered.
Those memories. They finally resurfaced. I mean, I knew every detail of the incident from the moment it happened, but I had never experienced it so vividly. I was laying there in bed that Wednesday or Tuesday night (I was finally able to lay down again), sobbing into my pillow. "I feel so alone." But at least now I understand why. I never really knew my father. I knew his face, his laugh, his leather loafer shoes that I would stand on as I walked on his feet. I ran out of bed to see him every time he finally came home from work. But I never really knew him until I was entering adolescence, when I would see him every other weekend. And I think that's why I feel so insecure, so unsafe, in so much need of love and comfort and attention.
I think that's about it. I know it's extremely personal, but I wanted to unlock these emotions and release them at last. I want to then take a step back and be able to leave this incident behind me, in the past where it belongs. Also, I wanted you guys to know that we ALL hurt in different ways, even those (like me) who hide behind their humor and wit and seem to be impossibly positive about everything. Also also (LOL), I haven't written like this in a very long time, and it just felt good to express myself. I've always wanted to do a YouTube video about this subject and the emotions surrounding it, but I'm not very crafty in the video department. So I thought that this would be a good idea. Anyway, thank you for reading, and please know that we all struggle.
Today I was listening to the radio while driving home, and heard a DJ give an advertisement about discounted baseball game tickets. There was so much energy and enthusiasm in his voice...."It's baseball season! Tickets are FIVE DOLLARS OFF if you register with us today!!!!" Granted, there's always money involved with advertising, so he needs to attract the consumer, but this DJ just makes my day with how excited he gets about everyday events. I wish I could channel that energy! I really admire people who are passionate in what they do and give their all.
It's audience participation time today! :-P What are YOU passionate about? How can you share it with others? Comment below :)
Hey guys! :)
First off, I want to thank you all for your kind words and support the past couple days. I always seem to get to a breaking point at the same time every semester, a few weeks before final exams. But I'm handling it the best I can! That's all I can do, right? :)
Something so ridiculous happened yesterday....it shouldn't be funny, but on top of everything else that has happened at school lately, it's pretty hilarious. One particular teacher of mine is the most difficult person to understand on the planet. You ask her a simple question, and she gives you this long-winded, 5-minute answer that doesn't really answer your question. Well, 5 of my classmates and I were nearly done with one of our group projects....or so we thought! We had emailed each other back and forth for 4 days editing these documents. But lo and behold, we get to class yesterday and all the groups have a "team meeting" with our teacher. Turns out, we basically have to completely redo our project. The powerpoint presentation, the client documentation note, everything. So last night our group had a little party on Googledocs editing our work. It was actually pretty funny because we were all typing jokes back and forth to each other in the document. :) It was a good stress-reliever. Needless to say, I slept for like 9 hours last night.
So today I'm going for a walk with the dog at some point, painting my nails, and continuing my quest through academia. Wish me luck! I hope that all of you have a blessed day. It really is what you make of it! :)
After a shitacular Monday, I have 9238729084 more assignments to complete before the end of this semester, my last semester of grad school before my internships begin. And what do I do? I pull.
Hair.....after hair.....after hair.
I can't stop. Yes, I have trichotillomania. But more importantly, I avoid all my problems. I'm too afraid to face them head-on. They have big scary teeth and I'm afraid of them. It's not easy nor is it comfortable to confront them, so I pull.
Or eat. Or buy nail polish. Or get on here. I love you guys, and I adore the support this website provides, but seriously, sometimes I just need to get my shit together and get to work on myself. And I'm not just talking about schoolwork. My health, physical and mental, my relationships (with friends I've neglected and with God), and my self-confidence.
With the passage of time, I hope that I can look back on my entries and say....."You had time for all this?" Because before I know it, I'll be working full-time, be moved out of my parents' house, and I'll have to be a real grown-up. But for now, I just want to vent, rant, explore, and reflect.
I know exactly what I have to do to fix myself. I just can't, won't, I refuse to do it. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO COPE. AND I'M 24.
So I've decided to try something new....keeping a weekly blog and vlog (video blog)! I'm especially excited about the vlog because I have so much to share about my life that I find difficult to express in person. Also, this might help me with public speaking for grad school and my soon-to-be career. If you know me at all, you know that I LOVE to talk online, but am terribly shy in person. So yeah....prepare yourself for random thoughts and entertaining opinions! Anything goes!
Stay tuned! :-)