Like... my sister was in town, and she wanted to go party.
Yay... had some fun at a bar, and this girl loved talking to me. I talked a lot with her to.
Like she has anxiety as well, so for once we shared our anxiety feelings properly. :)
Only someone with anxiety gets some things.
Anyways, I felt out of place, always do (always will), but manage to have fun.
Then like... party at my friends place (hosted the evening), meh... didnt really feel like going there since I didn't have a drink (can't drink beer usually), my sister stole a cider from the host (so drank that shit). Wensday was a holly day in my country (and red days are not work days in my country). So... like my sister was suppose to reach a plain, so I like wanted to go home since my siter told me to be home around 7 (she went with a guy), so I was about to move out at 4:30 to take a bus home.
The host stopped me, because this girl wanted to follow me (she has a boyfriend, though I do not think the host knew or cared), and so I decided to stay a little longer, in case it could be fun. ._.
Turned out much different. ._.
So the host ask if the other want something to drink.
Then he turns up with three cups, even though his other friend (some dude) didn't reply. And I am like "okay..." in my mind, and he is like talking with her all the time (sure... ask her about everything about her...). Offered them anything and everything, and around 6:20 I get enough when he gives around 3 plates of food after saying he is going to make food for "us"... I just say I am going to take the bus and walks out. This girl who talked with me all night imediately follows after (she had decided earlier she wanted to follow me). ._.
She thinks he was a nice guy and stuff, so she talks about that.
I don't really mention how like I wasn't even talked to or offered anything. ._.
I just found his actions rude, and he is like suppose to be a friend.
I am fucking pist.
And also, it makes me sad. I hate emotions. I don't mind them, but I hate when they do this to me. :(
I am mad at him, I tried to explain, but he really doesn't listen. ._.
I told him straight out he ignored me, and he tells me to be less "cryptic" about it. How cryptic is it to say "I love to be ignored". o_O
And he even recall he didn't speak much to me, but he just doesn't get it wasn't the not being talked to part that made me mad, but the fact he didn't offer me shits. o_o
I get he wanted to be in her pants or something, but seriously... :(
.... I feel so angry, distressed. I don't know what to think when I am like this... I can be mad and say mean stuff to people when I am like this. I don't know how to act. :(
I am certain this is because of my upbringing.
I have started with this place that try to help people with problems get work.
So.... like... I might get work.
I am scared I will say something mean to people.
It's hard to control sometimes when I am like this. :(
It makes me feel so bad.
I don't want anyone to feel that I hate them or something, I just... it's just something stuck.
It's so hard.... to be with people... to act nice.
I know it isn't others, and on days like this it's good I stay home.
Maybe I am lonely? I don't even know my own feelings. What are feelings?
I feel lost...
Lost... worthless... I just don't want a part of this like.
Maybe it's trauma?
Sometimes when walking home as a kid... I often got distressed, because I didn't recognize my own home.
When I walked up to the house, I was like "What if there is other people here? Do I know them? Is this my home?", it was scary... those moments I was so scared closing in on the house, I didn't know what to think. I felt so lost.
How can a child feel so lost right in front of their own home? Of their own door? I felt relief when the door opened and I saw I was home, but those moments... it was stressing my brain out.
I never thought of my familie as related to me.
I never felt like I belonged. I felt hated.
People hated me....
I don't know what I am. Who am I? I am me... I have to say that to myself sometimes... that I am me.
Why do I feel such panic? It's so weird... what does it mean... did I have emotions? I don't know why everyone hated me... I tried to be nice. :(
I guess I should be glad I have forgoten lots of my life, this kinda "amnesia"...
I can't imagine how horrible I would feel if I recalled it all. The stress... I hardly can cope as it is... the brain is a wise thing. It's at least able to close circuits to calm my head.
I felt so bad last year... I still feel lost like hell, but it's not like that.
I gotta rediscover things.
I wonder if it's bad to wish for someone to understand.
That I could be myself without fears. Like, even if I said something crude... that they didn't hate me. :(
I am used to being alone, but I don't want this. :(
How can I expect to change, if I can't learn how to be properly. :(
How long would it take for me to stop feeling so mad? The anger... I don't like being angry... I don't wanna be mean.
I am kinda scared about being alone, but I can remain alone.
It's not like anyone cares. :(
Judging me all the time... being mean. I am so bad at speaking up... when I do... I sound crude... :(
I am so tired of that... being alone... I don't like it. :(
My mind is completely weird today. :(
It's an emotion, but I don't recognize it... is it anger or sadness? what is it? I don't know feelings well. My head hurts. There is at least tears, but I don't know what to call it.
I just rant... I know... I feel... like no one cares either way... :(
I don't like being alone...
I just got out of a real dark zone. I haven't been like.... anything. Zombie maybe... I tried my best to get out of it, playing games, doing stuff. But I haven't been able to hang with anyone in real life good.
I haven't felt like hanging with the friends...
Recently I feel like I do not have any friends.
I am Misanthropic in nature.
I was thinking about talking about that some.
It's not that I hate people, though I used to be more recentfull and hateful about people before. I still don't feel good hanging to much with people, but I also like people. I wanna really believe in people like, that's not wrong is it?
The issues started I guess for real in at the start of my 20s, because that's when I ended up living home.
I got issues, I get angry for no reason. I guess after having a back stabbing friend two years ago I lost it. I was an unstable freak regarding people quite a while, especially after having been "home" with my parents to work and having them try to stop me from going home. My father didn't wanna pay my money I earned... also tried to stop me from going home. :(
I got anxiety real hard, and after I got home I went in that huge depression.
It was so hard, my mind went blank.
Memories slipped my head, and it was partly like my brain had enough and shut down the memory section that lead to most of my life.
I stabalized around christmas last year.
I have been so unstable though, but lately more stuff is getting back to me. Like the brain has decided it's time to... well recall more. Slowly introducing me back to my memories. My brain isn't stuck in full panick anymore.
Do I even have friends?
I wonder if my nature make them hate me.... :(
I don't like this...
I got depressed these last week in a way that made me fall into a darkness. Earlier I've been in limbo basically as a zombie.
I've tried to socialice, but... sigh...
I am no good...
I will never be good enough as a human for others to accept me... that's what it feels like.
I managed to do it fine even with my Misanthropy before.. I just don't have the energy right now.
This I can't stand.
That self loathing, feeling like I don't deserve life... depresion in general that sometimes come with this anxiety.
I guess what trieggered the depression was how my sister simply tried to use me, my place as a storage unit. :(
I don't know what will happen...
I just wish... sigh...
Wish I wasn't a downer... that I could find a real friend. Or a boyfriend.
I am bad at this being human thing.
I wish I could feel like I deserve living just like others...
There is nothing I want more, than go back to that state I was in as a kid.
Maybe that is why I recall most of the stuff from before 7? Mostly the happy stuff, things like how fun it was running around and playing on that farm. My family should just have let me grow up there. It's such a pain.
I am still kinda dark in my heart, my soul is surrounded by darkness still, but I have gotten up so many times.
Right now I am in the state of building my own worth back up.
I hope I can manage to find friends soon.
Perhaps someone no one of my family know.
My mistake was getting friendly with my sisters friends.
Of course they wouldn't like me... they probably talk shit about me.
So... I was out this weekend.
Tried to have fun, haven't had any fun in months. I haven't seen people since new year basically, so I had a party.
Was it fun? I trie to be social... :(
I don't think I wanna have a party again.
Yeah... take picture of everyone and anything except me, ignore me completely... sure... that's super fun... don't taste my pizza, I mean it would be rude to at least taste it...
Sure... I would love to have a back stabbing friend on my party that I never wanted to see again... sure...
Before we went out, I couldn't find my phone.
No real probleem... except... later...
Of course it's fine that everyone left me when I went on the toilet on the city. I mean, I asked if they could watch my drinks, was there like five seconds (seriously I am fast on toilet), when I come out they had given my drinks away to strangers and left. I waited, because they knew I had no phone and I hadn't been that long away, for certain someone would care enough to look for me right? No.
And sure, my sister got money to buy me drinks in another bar- from our parents, except I didn't know anything about it...
Just wanted to have fun with people. :'(
And they left me. :'(
I didn't have enough for more than two drinks :'(
I am glad the night owl is free at least (the night buss).
I should never have gone out, and I was super pist going back home. :(
At least they could say sorry... :'(
I had been in a good mood all day. :(
I think I should stop hanging with my sister... my self esteem seems to go down around here, and she treats me like shit. Other adapt to that.
It's not fun when people ignore you. :'(
Taking pary pictures without you in them. :'(
Like your not even there :'(
People are jerks. :'(
I don't wanna hang with them for a while. :'(
When I was young I had a hard time finding a reason to exist.
What was my purpose in this world? For what would I live?
When kids ran home, I would sit beneath the stars and wonder, or clean the room because I could not sleep... I would wonder and think.
What really mattered to me? For what did my heart and passion burn for?
I found just two dreams to live for.
It was nothing as fancy as traveling the world or galazy, neither to be famous. For me, the only dreams I settled for became this.
"I wish to make books to inspire change"
My second wish though, it became a hidden desire. I had the idea if I ever came to realize both my dreams, there would be nothing to live for, so I decided to hide it.I had a better chance at writing a book than the other part either way.
But still, it was one of my greatest desires.
It was a sort of love wish... a wish to be loved for who I am, just like I am.
That someone would accept me the way I was, and love me. Love... such a strange thought.
I imagined secretly all the while if anyone could love me? Would anyone be able to.
I have never felt like anyone can love me, but certainly it was a dream of mine.
I hoped some day mr right would pass by me.
Someone I could love, someone who could love me. I mean, imagine someone accepting me for who I was and love me? The rest of the world seems insane to me, but I always hoped, always dreamed that out there, there was someone.
But then again... I am me. Who could ever like me? Who will ever like me?
Friends telling me oppenly they manipulate me and believe they can get anything?
A sister who hates me because she thinks I want things? A family without faith in who I am? Who am I among them? No one.
My datesx have been terrible people, I have no faith in hummans around me because I believed in them... where have this world taken me? I so wanna know what my story can lead up to. If there is a mister right.... I hate being alone, but do anyone ever ask me if I am okay? Do anyone care to check how I am doing? No...
I have been alone so long, I don't knor how it is to be with others.
I prefer if guys hate me, because then, I don't have to deal with eomotions. Emotions... even though I desperately need to feel love, I am sick of being hurt. It's so pointless... so worthless. The worst is knowing there is no one to talk to... no one... there is nothing for me... and it makes me cry. I am alone. :(
I wish I at least had a friend.
If people hadn't been mean to me all the time, I would still be nice with people. I might even have friends. Everyone broke me down, and seriously, I can't forgive it. It have really hurt all this time.
I wanna be what I could have been, and it hurts.
friends have talked behind my back, family, my sister, my father talked shit to us in our faces, so did our mother... what can I say.
I wanna know emotions. I wanna know family. I wanna know love.
My family, friends and all that, nothing I know has anything like that... and it feels lonely.
I really hate it.
I had a peculiar dream when I feel to sleep yesterday. I was the reborn link of hyrule, but my sword was broken. To defeat the evil I had to travel the land for the part which had been stolen. The blade was there but not the "shaft". I kept thinking the sword couldn't live, and the quest would never end if I didn't make it whole again. I think the dream reflect I need to build myself up before facing evil.
It started with me somehow ending up on the journey, and I was a female link.
There was evil hunting for me, and my friends was sacrificed one after the other. We were in a kinda forest temple thing (similar, but not like the forest temple of ocarina of time, just similar, as a sort of house)The sword I had, the shaft somehow went into shambles as I fought this monster and only the steel remained, the weary blade. I used the power of the sword to save a friend, but because of some kinda accident, or somehow a sceam of the evil gone wrong... it shattered. I had passed out, and the friend I saved got me away.
When I woke up I had my hands on the blade, but it didn't have the part you hold it with, just the steel, the pointy end inside the holding part (not sure what it's called).
I bandaged the sword, but it didn't glow anymore, but I could use it.
However, without the part to hodl it with, I could never face the evils I needed to save the world.
Me and this friend went on a quest to find the stolen, lost part, so my sword could come alive again and do the attacks needed for saving the world. Like the spinning shock wave.
Me and this friend heard about some plants that could heal a friend ( who had been toxined by one of the first monster), but it was in the lair of the spidder lady inside a river tomb in the forest. The only way to get there was swimming, and I had no powers to fight the spidder creature like I was. She had spidderweb everywhere, and we were like jumping into this water. We failed the first time and barely escaped the spider queen. The friend I had saved climbed the tree alone after that, and I was barely able to make it in time to save him by jumping under this giant root. The spider queen could not see us there or sense our vibrations. Somehow I had gotten the fruit in the procces of saving him, but around thenI started to lose the ability to swim. My friend had to drag me to the shore, and I looked at the sword and felt like I was about to ly down. and do nothing.. I started to feel I wasn't the true hero meant to save the world. I was female after all, no link have been female. It was depressing, and I was thinking "I am not giving up, but... it feels so hard". As I sat there and my friend tried speaking to me (I didn't notice), everything seemed darker around me as I looked at the blade I held, and I noticed my hand. It was glowing with the triforce.
Around there the dream ended, I woke up and decided "I gotta change something, I can't let this contnue".
So... yeah... I think the dream tried to tell me... tell me not to give up, that it takes courage to follow through a quest.
No matter how scary, no matter how terrible it can seem, I can face it even without a weapon, like that spider queen. Maybe the triforce glowed because I was honestly thinking I was without a chance trying to save my friend from the claws of that spider queen. My weapon didn't even work. It couldn't do anything about her.
True courage... it's not fighting, but facing your problems and find a way to live with it Not letting it limit yourself.
Even if I felt down in my dream, I also showed a willingness to face my fears.
I guess... the dream somehow was important to me... for me to realize... my hero, Link from all those games I played. He always showed courage even if he knew he might have no chance in the world.
The strange thing is... I always played zelda, but this is my first time dreaming about zelda in a completely different setting. I have dreamt of saving hyrule, I have dreamt of gorons, but this is the first time I was a female (when I am link, I am a guy in the dream). o.O
This was different.
Well... I don't know what I intended to say really, but like the game reflects, I think I need to show courage even if I feel scared.
Maybe it can be of use to others somehow? I don't know. I just though it would be nice sharing this.
I am going to sleep now, the clock is almost 5 in the morning, I have had troubles sleeping lately, because I get scared of sleeping after midnight. I don't know why, it has just always been so (even as a kid I rarely slept, but kept awake to clean the room or play). o.O
I am going to sleep at least three hours, and this time, I swear to myself to wake up. I don't wanna let another day pass because I feel like shit, I must show courage. o.O
I realize... I didn't use to feel bad about things before I stood up for me and my sibling.
No... I mean... I lived before.
I wasn't depressed, or anxious to begin with. I was a fighter, I was myself and fully living as who I am.
What happen was me being broken down.
Brick by brick. I lost something growing up, and I hided the things withing myself because I knew... if I kept feeling things I would completely break. I begun thinking of suicide quite early... first time I probably was around five years. It was worst in my teenages. But I didn't chose to feel like that.
Others brought me to that state, and I was alone. Everything, anything, it was just me.
I had dreams where I died, but I didn't mind them.
I experienced being stabbed in dreams, luring call of giving in... I am not the kind to give up, no matter my oponent or whatever I experience. I am a unyielding wild spirit inside. If anyone tried forcing me to things I didn't accept or respect, if there was violence involved I would never "follow orders". I did thinks if people asked me nicely, because that showed a sign of respect. My parents never showed me this respect.
It was so much, so much have been lost to me...
I wonder right now... how would it be like to be a child?
I grew up like a child, but I don't feel like I was a child. There was no one to trust in my life. No one.
Now I am looking at myself, and it's going to be the worst part yet.
I need to build up my pride, my sense of honor, myself... I feel like my castle, the one I was has been torn down. I am wild without a sanctuary. No place to hide. I grew fearful of tihngs, of people. How much has been torn down of me? I was such a person with honor and dreams. I want to live for others, all my life, I wanted to be someone for others. I don't want anyone to feel alone... yet... I have problems liking others.. I feel like such a disgrace to who I used to be. My distrust, my anxiety... it's disturbing to see what kinda results growing up in that kinda home has done to me. I am still me, but barely.
I almost died. I almost lost myself completely growing up.
If I hadn't hidden my emotions, closed myself within myself, I probably would be a lot worse.
But even as it's over, I don't know how society works.
I don't know how to be, because there was no one to teach me. I feel like a grand fault in this world... :/
I worry if I can build me up to who I was... I worry because I wanna be a fierce sun again, someone who don't give a damn as long as it's just. I wanna be a dreamer. I am a dreamer, but... it's like I am still chained.
I have built up one part of me again.
For that I have started to see myself in a new light. I don't have to be afraid. I am angry though. My fears are unreasonable. I need to grow, to build myself up... but I guess it's not an easy task. I wonder if I can do it. If I manage to do it, maybe I can burn again and help those I care for.
right now, I am worried if I even can help myself.
But someplace the change must start.
Step by step, on my own, I'll reclaim myself and live like I should have without such fears. I am certain I can overcome this is I continue in this direction. I am worried, but if I just get somewhere longer, I can live the life I wanted from the weary begining. I am never giving up my dreams. :)
I just feel like screaming out that I am never giving up somehow...
I need to believe in myself. It's one of the steps I need to take. :)
For some reason I've felt down... I don't know.
I have begun thinking like, I can live without worrying again when I feel like this. It's over. My past. I don't have to feel like I am shitty for all and nothing. Depression might be building me up again. I feel stronger each time somehow. Maybe I don't need to feel sad anymore? I am starting to feel like this is something I can get over.
I feel like I can do the thing I used to... I remember before when I still felt good. Or before I lost who I was.
I always felt strong, unstopable, honest... yeah... I was maybe just 5-6 years. I had so many dreams, so many wishes.
Remembering back, I wonder what happen on my path to turn me like this?
I remember I loved my father at one point, and my siblings, because then... then I was still me.
No one had torn at who I was yet. I understood violence, and I knew how to stand up for others around then to, because my siblings was treated differently. I was "blue eyed witch" acording to my sister before I was 4, and I saw how she hurt. I couldn't understand how parents could treat children so differently. On television they treated kids differently. When I was on this farm each half year, it was different. I don't know what happen.
I guess when my parents begun carring for me full time thing went down wrong.
My father tried to buy us kids. I remember when I rejected his ideas of treating us differently... was it then allowance was removed? we didn't have boundaries or rules, yet we were expected to do grown up stuff? Make our own lunch? breakfeast? hm... I don't understand...
I am trying to remember a birthday I had... I am trying to recall what was said, why I ended up on my own. Was it my brother telling me it was his day and not mine? Was it the others telling me something else...? I don't recall.. how come I feel lost? How did I lose who I was? My spirit has never wavered yet my voice have... it's not like me to pitty myself like this. Pitty wont give me courage... pitty wont let me live... how can I move forward when I have forgotten how to be myself?
I feel like I am stuck as long as I can't be myself fully. I have forgotten something wery important between then and now. I don't know what I have forgotten though.
It's not my hope... my courage and life will is growing each day... maybe it's how I forgot to live? can it be? Or is it my voice?
I am not sure how I can find myself to get rid of the depression, but I am certain, before dealing with the anxiety, I need to deal with the depression.
Right now, the depression is holding me back from going further ahead with my anxiety... I need to find the root of my anxiety... I feel like I somehow have given up, and I can't accept that. It's not me to give up. Never. I hate the idea that I somehow have given up. How can such a thing be true? My hope is eternal, that I am certain. As long as there is hope, you don't give into something... but certainly, I have accuiered this additude of no hope to survive. I though it was easier to survive without emotions... but it has made it harder. To get past the depression I need to cry, and read my mind when I cry... understand why I cry. I must reflect, I must adapt from merely surviving to actually live.
It's a strange change.
I don't know how to regard this yet.
For that, my mind has frozen... I have needed to breath... I ... I must live.
I don't understand... my life hasn't been that pitiful has it? I forgot emotions to protect me... but even with emotions I feel distant. I am no one... I don't deserve anything.
I have yet to earn my own place in life, even if I am alive. I am right now just surviving... it's pitiful... I need to live.
I don't know if anyone understand it, but... probably... here... others feel like me.
Anxiety, depression... maybe other problems affecting them...
in my childhood, this feeling would make me wish to die, and perish.
Now... because I know there is no one to fear, I can live. I need to live. My body feel this confusion because I don't need death, but life. My desire in this state has changed drastically... perhaps this change is the prof I am in change. I desire to live on my own again.
My spark has started to burn a small flame instead of being glowing coal (imagining how it would look like).
It's like a tiny, tiny candle within myself, instead of this eternal glowing ball of coal. A small candle, that if I treat it right, it might turn into my eternal sun again.
When I was a child, I remember how dazzling and pure my flame was. I wasn't afraid... I didn't give in to anything. I did chose to hide my heart to protect my inner sun, but the lack of air... the lack of things to love... it has almost estinguished it on it own... such solditude and loneliness... like I was the only one in the world.
When I was a teenager, I changed my though. I begun forcing myself to look around me.
I saw other glimmering suns dying around me... others people who suffered. I though how so many people could feel alone, and realized like me none were looking up.
It was a strange moment to understand that others had this emptiness, that others were crying because of similar reasons. What I made about it was the though I had since childhood.. I need to create a change... my dream always was to change others, to bring hope to them. Somehow make them see the same I have seen, or somehow experience it. As I child I wrote for people to dream. That goal has not changed.
However... with this depression, my fire died a little.
Part by part it has grown smaller, thighter in a smaller and smaller chamber.
My point is... I need to find my sun again, that huge force of fire inside me, I must find out how to present it in my life. How to accept I am alive right now instead of surviving.
I just need to remove the invisible chain right now, the invisible wall I presented around me. The chain I call depression... I feared to believe myself, to trust... everything has rooth in the sadness... so I must assume the role where I solve what created it first. Afterwards, I can take knot after knot out and straigten my life. o_o