So today was another day spent calling therapists to no avail. Why does everything seem so hard? All of this is darn near killing me and I must find a way out so I am writing this to remember things that are good in my life and I hope it will inspire me.
1. I have my 2 good old chaps and 2 younger besides..(my cats)
2. I have a terrific friend who helps when he can
3. I have good and warm place to live
4. I have widened my circle with new support websites
5. I have friends on both who understand much of what I am going through
6. I do have an income so I won't starve
7. I currently have food in my house
8. I have a neighbor who helps when he can
9. I do still have the game that I love and people from there who seem to care despite not knowing (most) of my troubles
10. I do have my health (because although I feel my health is poor, it maybe chronic but is NOT fatal)
So that is 10!!! thinkgs so life isn't ALL bad. I must remember to reflect often and look back at this list because although some may see basic things there are those with much much less. So tonight I call myself among those that are blessed.
So Today was your birthday as as a last hurrah I write this..
Alone in your home is not quite the same as alone.
It seems I have so many friends, much more that I deserve!
who all came out and said Happy Birthday (my) girl.
You see now that you ARE NOT alone and even though it often feels as though you are,
just remember all the people who came to say "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" to you (my Dear).
AND HAVE A GOOD DAY!
Now good night I bid you on the sweeter of nights
and hope that with peace in your heart you do wake!
Ok and I like to say that a LOT but I joined yesterday so this is like day 1. I have been so frignthened and alone. I have few friends as my anxiety rarely "lets" me go outside and it is definately hard to make new friends that way. My boyfriend of several years has just moved out and although things are friendly between us at the moment he is unavailable to support me in getting even a little bit out and about as I had done before. I have suffered several significant losses recently and it has just served to make things worse which of course I know is partly why. I wish I COULD just get up and go out like people suggest but I can't seem to just do it. One really sad part to me is that I made more "friends" on here in 2 hours or so than I have in real life in total now as a few have left the picture for one reason or another. People that I have interactions with have looked at the situations I put before them and they have said " Ooh, that's hard" or something similiar but have offered little if any real help. I no longer know where to turn and even recently, called the Samaritians for help but I guess with them you can only be on the phone for 10 minutes and that came and went, with the usual small, if any, relief. I am stuck and I can no longer see a way out. My sister in law suggests prayer which I have done. I have asked for some relief and help in dealing with all that I am dealing with and maybe that is how I found this site, I do not know. I do know that I may have to soon decide between my now 4 support pets. Keeping only 2 of them will be very, very hard as the older 2 I have had for 15 and 16 years and the younger 2 I am "training" to replace them when the inevitible happens and they leave this life. Of the younger 2, one needs to be neutered, however even him, I have had for more that 4 months, the other more than a year. My building just became pet free and may now soon become smoke free, the new management installed video cameras which have only served to make me even more afraid to leave my apartment.
What am I to do? Where am I to turn? I feel SO isolated and scared. I am exhausted and overwrought. I don't know where to turn and I am quite afraid of the whole thing burying me alive. Please give me the strength to carry on and hopefully move on soon as I do not know how much more I can take or how much longer I can hold on. If anyone here has any suggestions or feedback it would be so greatly appreciated and I do indend to give anything a shot at least once. THANKS!