I have had anxiety in varying degrees since the sixth grade. I can recall my first panic attack as clear as day. I was in pre algebra and had no idea what to do so I just raised my hand. I recall not even really being there but everyone starting at me. My teacher asked if I felt sick because I was so pale. I just nodded yes and went to the bathroom. I later confided in what I deemed to be a good friend about it, now mind you i had no idea what "it" was at the time, so she spread it all over the school and it became a point of ridicule. Beyond that I didbt years struggling with what I didn't know. I had a harrowing childhood to say the very least, I've endured every kind of abuse possible at the hands of basically every adult in my life. Eventually I spoke to my mom about what was going on, 3 or 4 years after it started, and age explained it sounded like anxiety. Just knowing what it could be was the most freeing thing. I was inevitably started on Zoloft. I had adverse reactions, became suicidal and was put in a program for troubled kids. Well I once again confided it what I consisted to be another very good friend. She spread it around that I went crazy, and once again my mental health was a point of ridicule among my peers. I then went for years pretty clear and free from anxiety. I met my now fiance at 15, we traveled and moved and life was great for the first time ever. Until the birth of my first daughter. I noticed during my pregnancy I became more and more anxious and once she was born I wasnt even myself anymore. I had my second daughter almost immediately. My fiance worked 3rd shift and I couldn't bear to be alone, so I would go to my mother's every single night. It only got better when I moved closer to my mom and he switched shifts. I assumed this was just a post partum issue so I got over it pretty well with time, therapy, and hypnosis. Fast forward a few years and I'm certain I'm all better. I start nursing school, on top of two jobs. I end doing out because my anxiety comes back and I'd borderline crippling. I am now at a dead end I feel. I lost my job in january, not related to the anxiety, but now I can barely leave my house. I'm home a while day long and I'm an anxious wreck until anyone comes home. While my fiance is fantastic he gets frustrated that I won't even try to go places. I just know I'll feel like shit, I don't want to have a freak out in front of my daughters, and don't want to ruin their time when I have to turn around and go home. I honestly feel that they would do better without me around at this point. I feel ashamed, I've missed so much of their lives, my life, and the people I lives lives because of this disorder. I hold it to myself because I know how many times is been thrown back in my face. I am trying, but everyday is a struggle.