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Stella

Stella

I am a writer, and I an currently working on a (unique and not run of the mill) YA fantasy series about young people who are invited into the land of Wysteria. I am from New England, and I live with my soulmate :) Next year I will be attending community college for Creative Writing.
Thursday, 16 June 2016 22:40

Wondering

I have always been incredibly hard on myself, but I think now more than ever at this point in my life. I will be 27 this fall, and I feel like the walls are closing  in on me. I feel that my depression and anxiety are spinning out of control--and worst of all, it is hurting my SO because I have so much trouble controlling it. He tries to do much for me, and we have been in a frustrating living situation--and he is working to move us into an apartment by the winter. I got really upset with him because he wants to finish his minor which is going to probably take another six months--and I got so upset because I want to go back to college as soon as possible to pursue an associate's in creative writing with a minor in art. I just feel like there is always something preventing me from going back to school and that it keeps taking longer and longer and I just want to get out of this dead end jobs that I have been in for almost ten years. And I feel so frustrated with myself--so angry--because I feel like I am a selfish prick for thinking of myself. But--depression/anxiety is so hard in retail--it can really be a nightmare. Luckily, I think I have found a good for now job. But I want more--I want to go to college as soon as possible to get a degree in something that i LOVE and not be some loser selling greeting cards.  THe upside is that I have a good amount of time to work on my fantasy series--I'm almost ready to send out my first novel to publishers. So--is there a point to wanting more--and straining to better outselves? Is the strain worth it--or is it better just to be like--I'll get to college someday and even though I work at this dumb job I am soon to be an author, I'm a really creative person, and I have an amazing SO! Is just accepting what we have defeat. I mean--fuck this rat race. Why do I do this to myself? Sometimes I listen to Joni Mitchell...and I'm just like...her idea of daily life is perfect.

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