There comes a point in your life, when all the things you wanted and thought you needed, actually come to fruition. It is bizarre and shocking to begin with, because it turns out those things actually are as simple and easy as they seem, it just takes a long time to get them and know how to accept them. Nothing that is worth having comes easy.
Finding Love is like learning to hold your alcohol. At first you love the sensation that being inebriated brings, until you realise you fell head over heels for it, and found yourself broken at the end of the stint. Then once you have learnt how to drink, and what not to drink, and how much is best for you, that you have control over what it is you need from alcohol. Much like Love.
I too listened to endless reels of advice, and read mindless reams of horoscopes, watched rom-coms, and even asked my Mum what it was like finding love with Dad. Apparently like the lovely romantic fairytale it should be. Well, apart from getting pregnant with me extremely young and not having financial stability but making all that work round the three of us.
Essentially finding Love is different to everyone because it is what you want from Love, what you expect of it. Love is not jealous, or proud, it is patient and kind, willing and open. Love really is like the things in life you take small pleasure in. Warm sunlight hitting your face, a cool breeze on a hot day, the affection of a child or animal. Love is slipping into a long hot bubble bath with a glass of wine and candles. Think of those things you love most that make you smile the most, that is what Love is, and it is what you find when you find all those small things embodied in one person. Then you and that said person become one and the same person. The family unit is already half way there, some people have a dog others have a baby, either way the unit always needs another element to complete it. This is ultimate love, to share these wondrous treasures with someone or something else in the equation.
I knew what I wanted and it definitely involved children, and at least one animal. I have known since I was a little girl, my baby names were picked out at about 13 years old, the dog would be a Labrador obviously, a good family dog. On a serious note, now that life seems to be taking off I feel slightly more ill prepared.
Apart from the nasty downturn in the economy, I had my child bearing hips, enormous maternal instinct and lust for life’s adventure. The question was how do you know when it’s your time?
Although I now have at least three of the things I wanted to have sorted by the age of 30 I am still fearing the Journey and letting my OCD affect my common sense! I have a beautiful partner the naughtiest, but cutest Dog and a network of friends and family who I love and love me dearly back.
Something continually takes hold and rocks the boat, I am on medication (still) 150mg (my dose has increased twice in the last year- with the most you can be prescribed at 200mg) and I have had counselling, which was effective (I got a book out of this too 'The Wind is My Mother' by Bear Heart and Molly Larkin- look it up its worth the search- an alternative to popular self help book 'The Secret') and then there is my home life I have a stable relationship, and a steady job I enjoy.
However, I am still feeling lost?! How can she be I hear you say- she has all these amazing things, sure she is on meds and dealing, but surely the rest of it helps??
Well, I still suffer with travelling- this is one of my main Anxiety issues, Trains are the worst, although it may be flying as I won’t even entertain that- I haven’t been abroad for 8 years. Then there are issues with my confidence and self esteem, I think I am fat, ugly and bad at life, because I am 30 and not in a high flying job owning a house, my own car or carrying a child under each arm at 30 and 3 quarters.
The issue is I am only being hard on myself, no-one else is! I am scared. Scared I am infertile (when the time DOES come) that we won’t be ever financially secure to buy a house and afford a child. I am scared I need to no longer need medication, as I do not wish to share this drug with my unborn. SO naturally I feel I need to fix that pronto. I am scared that I will be too ill (mentally) to cope with pregnancy and being a mum, which I will be awful at it and unable to cope, proving everyone right that I am not, as I feel I am presently not a 'real' Adult! I also can’t drive- and at 30 people look at you like this is a crime of some sort. So I don’t even have the option to look further afield for work or look after a child the way I would like
None of these things however are necessary for me to berate myself about- it’s a vicious cycle I am in, and the only person that can help me is ME. The lights are on, but I am half in half out the door!
What we all need is to understand that medication is an aid to recovery. It’s a shame that long term sufferers are not given better help to overcome their illness. While every case is different and some more traumatic in how the illness has developed or evolved, there is always a way to help.
The human mind is a powerful tool and is underestimated in its ability to heal and recover as so much of it is used needlessly in sustaining thought patterns and functions that are detrimental. This has long been documented that the human brain operates in this way to adapt to survive. When we are a child and learning it is a regular occurrence- don’t touch that it’s hot, yet a child will out of curiosity and the need to learn ignore warning, but, the pain felt registers in the brain- don’t touch that it’s hot and will hurt.
As an adult we form self education we develop the ability to create opinion and apply it. However, this means we stop wishing to learn as we believe we have made all the right risk assessments and no longer need to learn. We know now not to touch a hot stove; we understand to look both ways when crossing the road. We don’t however always apply this when it comes to our health. We like to be told by people who did carry on learning what is best.
Every medication is different, and interacts with other medications in a different way- the developments in medicine are amazing. In Chemistry lessons I bet we all thought I don’t care about this mixing with that I will never need to know. Wrong.
Sometimes learning is more empowering than you think- not boring and overwhelming but gratifying and life-changing.
I have personally swapped medications 3 times and relied on the doctors thoughts on my side effects each time when I could have just read the instructions or gone online to do my own independent research.
Anxiety related illness is often treated by depression medications- depression is a product of the anxiety often this is why the two are linked. Initial diagnosis is often that a person is depressed and then when we go deeper we find the root cause although a traumatic event or series of events usually exacerbated by behaviours displayed in anxiety sufferers. Panic Attacks may not always happen regularly and so as a one off are often put down to stress.
I have personally swapped medication three times, and now on ‘Sertraline’ which has been proven although an anti depressant to aid anxiety suffers more effectively and with less side effects than other drugs.
This is true certainly of many people I have spoken with but all cases are based on medical fitness (other medical conditions) and mental state/severity of problem.
The most important thing about Medication treatment of Anxiety Disorders, or Depression is research.
You have to help yourself, be an active patient- ask questions; don’t just jump on a bandwagon because its trending CBT is not for everyone the same way medication is not, but you must find out! A doctor can not know how you are feeling just by looking at you- because you are physically upset does not necessarily mean that you need medication.
1.Write things down! Whether it be how you feel on new meds, reaction to situations or a Journal- it may help you and your doctor in your treatment.
2.Consider talking to someone- it is always when you are ready too – ASN is a great outlet available that means you can have facelessbut find out about how to get free counselling non evasive is out there, see if your work offers a service- Google it!
3.Ask questions- Knowledge is power and with that power great things can be achieved.
My Journey is still going, but in truth I had my darkest days and moments where I thought it would never get better, never seem better. Faith is something that everyone says you should have and in reality even if not in a religious sense it is all about self belief- I know I can, be what I want to be- If I work hard at it Ill be where I want to be.
I have kept pushing and often have the dark days of being fed up, fed up of medication, fed up of being ill, tired, run down, physically and emotionally exhausted and then i think about how selfish it makes me to feel so concerned about trivial things- then I scold myself for telling myself off.
If you are reading this then you like me, have suffered and had a bad time of it, life dealt you a shoddy hand but you kept taking a new card from the pack, you havent folded yet- neither have I.
We have a right to feel upset when something bad happens to us or even because of how we are- but we must never let that feeling prolong and we must try to encourage a more positive thought volcabulary 'I can, I will, I want to...' not I cant I ll fail or its because Im rubbish.
Self beration is a waste of energy and thouhts and its a waste of time, you need to think of the worst case and the outcome you want from a situation.
worst case is so-called because its still only 50/50 it will happen, so what do you have to lose in most situations nothing because what we see as failing is actually growing adn learning.
As a baby you fall over but your brain says you have legs im telling you to use them, try again, and you do- eventually you walk.
In life we all try to run before we have walked and cant understand why we have to keep getting up so much.
i am blessed I have a beautiful family and a loving understanding partner, james has been amazing and I truly love him.
Its times like these, where Newtown happens that I truly realise how thankful I am and you should be, because whatever feels so bad that its the worst ever it is not as bad as it could be.
Love yourself and the rest will fall into place <3