So day 2 of my diary! Yep, I made it back. This is a good thing because like I mentioned before I have no will power and usually dont stick with anything. Today was an ok day. It started rough. I dont sleep well so I am not a happy camper when I get up in the morning. Today was my day off so the phone was off, the alarm was off. I got up around 10 to see missed calls and messages. I own a second hand store and the man who was supposed to deliver some things today was calling me. We set up a time and then it started raining. Now there is alot more to that part of my day but I wont bore you with it. Lets just say I was annoyed. First thing when I wake up, still not smoking, headache already. Well, I had to take half of a xanax to get moving. I actually got alot done today even with the rain.
I have taken a total of 1 1/2 xanax today. I take .5 but I break them in half each time I take one. I am still haveing those horrible head twitches with the split second of dizzyness. Now this new symptom doesnt start right away when I actually do get a good night sleep. I think the neurologist may have something when he says it may be sleep apnea. I cant take anything to sleep other than the xanax because of various reasons. Lunesta: I actually get the horrid after taste the entire next day. Ambien: makes my blood pressure go up. Over the counter: I feel like I was hit by a truck the next morning. So half xanax before bed with some sleepy time tea. I need to get a new pillow also, my son has a great one. My neck has been hurting alot lately. Headaches like crazy also.
I have noticed that with this new symptom, which we will just call mini dizzy spells, if I keep busy, moving around doing things, its not as bad. When I sit at the computer or watch TV its worse. This is bad because I am on the computer alot at work and I am a TV junkie! I record everything. I cant give that up. The shows I watch are an escape for me. They take my mind off of things. Keep it occupied with the made up lives and stories I watch. I lose myself in them, wishing thats how I felt or thats how I acted. Now you may be thinking its my eyes, well, its not. They have been checked as well. I am basically a healthy person. I have a great life also. I am not bragging but being realistic. I have a husband who absolutely adores me, kids who sometimes make me crazy but are great, I own my own business now for 3 months (yeah, that is stressful but its a different kind of stress for me). We actually opened the business because my last job was increasing my anxiety and I was on medical leave. Anyways, my life is good so sometimes I sit back and think: why! Why do I have to suffer like this when I should be happy and enjoying life. Then I snap out of it and realize that its an illness. A medically proven illness. I was told I am a negative thinker. I have thought of every possible horrible thing that could happen. I do it all the time. Just talking about it, my head is spinning a little right now.
I getting ready to head to bed now. I will lay down, put on the tv until I pass out and start all over again tomorrow. I really do plan on getting up in the morning and walking but the rain lately in South Florida isnt helping. At the same time, I am not rushing either. Soon though.
I wish everyone a great night!!
So I have always been told to document my feelings, keep a journal, write it down. Well, here we go. Figure why not do it on here if it can help someone else. I am 43 soon to be 44, ick, and I have suffered from anxiety for over 20 years. It started when my youngest was born on 11/22/92. He was a month premature and had ventricular septal defect. I will never forget those words! Basically it means a heart murmur. Lots of people have it. Very common thing. Now if I was told that 20 years ago I would probably be fine today! It wasnt explained to me. I asked the dr if he was going to live and his reply was: "WE DONT KNOW". Thats it, end of conversation. REALLY??!! Well, I was sent home while Robert was in NICU. He had tubes all over and was in an incubator. That night was my first panice attack. I drove myself to the ER, my soon to be husband was not much help back then, and I was told I was having anxiety. Ok, Im not dieing, I can go home. Well, needless to say that was not my only trip to the ER. I made several. Finally one night, my anxiety was higher at night, I was treated by a paramedic who was helping in the ER. He asked if I drove myself, I said yes. He explained to me that if I can get up and move around and that helps, its not a heart attack, its the panic. I will never forget that. So ever since that night, if I can get up and move around I know i'm not going to die!! I wish I could find that man to thank him today! Robert ended up with menengitis at 2 months old. Went through all kinds of tests, therapies, needles, tubes, IV's in the sides of his head. It was craziness. I now have a fear of medical problems. I also sit up many nights wondering where Robert is and he is 20! He was and still can be my trigger. He is perfectly healthy but also my wild child. Probably from shielding him and babying him his whole life!
Well, over the years I have suffered many forms of anxiety attacks. From feeling like a heart attack was coming, feeling like I will faint, a wave going up and down my body that just made me feel like jello, my face going all tingly. I have a new symptom now, my head involuntarily twitches while I have a split second of dizziness. This one is making me crazy!! I would honestly be happy with all the old symptoms, I knew how to deal with them. I have been to countless dr's: neurologist, ENT, cardiologist, therapist, psychiatrist and so on. My new neurologist, because I needed a second opinion, thinks I might have sleep apnia. There is no happy medium for me with sleep. 6 hours I feel like crap, 12 hours I feel like crap. I can sleep all night and feel like I didnt sleep at all. When I am tired, my symptoms are worse. Insurance doesnt want to cover the sleep study so we are appealing it now. Keeping fingers crossed!
I have made some drastic changes in my life. I quit drinking a year April. I was a very heavy drinker! (self medicating!!). I quit smoking, again, 18 days ago. I now have decided that I am going to start walking. Exercise, they say, is great for anxiety. I wouldnt know because I dont excersize. I will find out though. I also bought a Nutribullet to make fruit and veggie smoothies. I love it, when I use it. I have horrible will power!
Well, if anyone is reading this, god bless you for taking the time. I am now going to start typing in here hopefully daily, like its suggested. If this helps anyone else I think thats great. If it helps me, hey, great as well!! So if you all want to follow my journey I am more than willing to spill my guts and tell my deepest darkest secrets to those who want to read about it.
I wish everyone all the luck in the world on their journey to remove anxiety from their lives! I wasnt born this way so I refuse to stay this way!!