I think... More than anything... I just want someone to read these weird, jumbled thoughts I've been having and tell me they understand... That they can relate because they've gone through something similar or the same. I hope so at least. Because for some reason, lately these thoughts plague my mind. The thoughts will pop up randomly. Sometimes I'll be driving cars around during work to clean and bring back to locations so customers and pick them up and I'll space out as I'm driving, thinking about these things. Sometimes they pop up while I'm watching my kids and I won't even be paying attention to what's going on. Maybe it's because the anniversary of my grandma's death is coming up (which I didn't realize until just a minute ago when I looked at the calendar,) but these are the thoughts I've been having...
Do you ever think back on things in your childhood and feel really confused about some of them? About what might have been real or not? What might have happened or didn't happen? It seems fuzzy, but you have this weird feeling that it did happen and when you were a kid you never thought much of it, but not you question it. So much of my childhood is this feeling and... The way I grew up, we never were to question anything in my household. No one did. We hardly communicated anything. We just carried on like everything was normal and being a kid, being so naive... I thought it WAS "normal," or "traditional," whatever you may call it. Lots of my friends didn't have traditional family settings. One of my friends had parents who were dating, lived together, but weren't married. Another had two moms, another lived with her single dad and grandma. But the thing is... In most of those settings... Their families would try to explain the situation one way or another. Maybe they waited until they were a certain age, but they'd eventually explain it. Mine never did. There are still things to this day that I'm unsure about. And I'm still scared to ask.. Because that's just not how I was raised.
Ever since I could remember, ever since I was really little... The earliest age I can think of being 4, my grandma and grandpa didn't live together. My mom was a single mom. I had one sister, whom had a different dad than I did. At the time, my mom had never married. She wasn't doing to well for herself, financially. So we lived at my grandpa's house (her dad.) He was raised on a dairy farm in New York with 4 brothers. My grandmother came from Kyoto, Japan. I'm not sure of how they met... I was never told the story. All I know is that he was in the airforce and it had something to do with that. They got married, had my mother and two sons (my uncles.) They bought this house that my grandpa and my youngest uncle and his girlfriend still live in. But by the time I was 4, they weren't living together. My grandma lived in a 3-bedroom trailer that belonged to a male friend of hers named Shigay. She had her own private tourism business where she would take Japanese tourists around Alaska. I remember staying the night over at her trailer lots of times. She had her own bedroom. Shigay would be in Japan most of the time. Staying at her trailer was always the more vivid memories. I remember I'd take baths, she'd help me to blow dry and brush my hair, the sound of her electric tooth brush, the very distinct flavor of toothpaste she'd use that had the hint of green tea taste, her Japanese soap operas on VHS tapes we'd watch before bed time. I loved going over to her house. It was like an adventure. She was so different from my grandpa.
My grandpa was and still is a very stern man. He has very little patience and is quick to get angry. He has always drank way more than he should, perhaps to feel more loose and appear more playful. He was always very organized and clean, probably from years on the dairy farm and being in the air force. He's always been very frugal, preferring to save and penny pinch rather than spend any money on luxury items. He enjoyed hunting and going shooting at the range. I used to love going to the range with him and shooting clay pigeons. Sometimes we'd go over to his friends' houses and they'd have dogs to play with or their wives would give me candy and turn on the tv for me while he and his friend would chat and smoke cigars. Besides being quick to get angry, he was a very emotionless man. If something was said to him that bothered him... Maybe some bad news one of us had... He never showed he cared in any way. He wouldn't say anything. I remember how he'd sometimes get drunk and yell at my mom about something when I was little. I remember once when I was working on very piled up dishes, he came home from work, picked up a dirty pan and threw it on the ground, his lips pursed tight and his face red. But still, if someone had a problem it was never discussed. No one questioned anything.
My grandma enjoyed the outdoors. She loved going camping, especially for fishing and clam digging. In the Winters we would always go skiing. Those were my favorite times with her. She loved little children. She would always bring me and my cousin who's 5 years younger along to do anything. Going to the you pick farm, going grocery shopping, to her friends' houses. I remember when we would go shopping at the BX she would always buy me gummi bears. She had a lot of patience. She would cook the most delicious, home made Japanese meals that are unlike any I have ever tasted. She enjoyed her work and she always seemed to have fun no matter what she was doing.
I don't know why they lived in separate places. As a kid it never bothered me, but the older I got, the more I realized it didn't really make sense. I don't think as a marital status, they were separated... My grandma would come over to my grandpa's almost every day and visit. I never saw them hold hands, kiss, embrace... But he would sometimes rub her shoulders and they still talked like everything was fine. On their anniversaries, they would buy eachother gifts. So... Why weren't they living together? Why did it seem like sometimes they were happy together and sometimes they weren't? Was my grandpa's explosive anger too much for her to handle? Did they fall out of love? Were they ever really in love? She died when I was 13. March 16, 2003... I had just barely gotten into my teens when it happened. My grandpa was always with her up to her final moments. And it happened so unexpectedly. After it happened, the speculations that I had never heard or even thought about started to surface. My grandma lived in that trailer with her friend Shigay... But, were they having an affair? As a kid, I never thought about that. They never once seemed like they had something going on between them and they had separate bedrooms, but... I was never really sure. I'm still not. I still wonder why they had the weird relationship and living arrangement that they did for so long. What was it even like when she did live with him? If they had stayed together in that house, would my future have turned out differently? Would my mom's? Would my grandma still some how be alive?
I wish I had all the answers... And I wish I could ask them, but... I just can't. I know it seems so easy, but really it isn't... At least, not for me. Not with the way I grew up and how it's embedded into my mind that it's just not something you do. But I feel like some how it would explain so much of why I am the person I am now. Maybe even why I suffer with anxiety. Is it weird that I've been thinking about this so often lately?
For spiritual guidance and enlightenment, I've chosen the path of Tao. I don't follow it to a T; I lack that sort of discipline. But I strongly use it as a reminder of how to feel enlightened and enjoy life. I follow the main teachings, I read the works of Lao Tzu.
On this path I've learned that it's best to enjoy things just as they are. I try to keep this mentality in everything in life. Including people. I always, naturally just see the best in people. I know there are people out there who for some reason or another, enjoy hurting. But I feel like it stems deeper than just that. Like they came to enjoy hurting because that's how they feel and something has just happened to them that made them to be this way. I would still befriend this person with complete sincerety. I feel like it's best to just give someone a chance.
Sometimes I'll come to a person who I just feel like is not... The best person. And I try really hard to be understanding, unjudging... But it's difficult. I can't seem to fully understand this type of person, but usually I don't have to deal with them for long periods of time. I'm always willing to listen and try to offer support, advice... However, I'm now at a really weird place. Because I work with these people.
Since this is all online and I use my real name on this site, I'm going to change their names to protect their identities and whatnot. (Though I seriously doubt any of them would find this site.)
Let's start with Mary. Mary is a very beautiful girl. She knows it, lots of other devoted "fans" and friends know it. She does modeling. She enjoys seeing all the "likes" she gets on her photos from social networking sites. That's subconciously what most people who use social networking sites enjoy. It gives them a temporary boost of ego. It's understandable, it's just human. What gets me, however... Is just how damn shallow she is. I think she watches her tongue around me because I'm a bigger girl. But sometimes she slips. She had a chocolate bar and offered me some. I accepted, as it's the polite thing to do and let's face it - I love chocolate. She then folded it up and said "let's save the rest for our boss so we don't get fat." There it is, FAT. For one thing she really only ate one tiny piece and she's already really small. She's not going to get bigger. And another thing, HELLO! You're talking to a girl who's a size 16 here. She criticizes the way some of the women who come in to shop look and I just feel like that's so wrong.
She has some really weird mood swings. I don't know if it's because she's incredibly self medicated or if it's because she also has mental illnesses (one of them, ironically being anxiety,) but I can tell that something will irritate her and she'll take it out on people. I don't like that. I stood up to her once when she did it, told her she didn't have to talk to me like that and she shot back at me. She apologized for it later, but I still see it rise up in her sometimes. I just don't understand the point in treating another human being that way.
She's very untrusting and I can relate completely. But the problem with that is it seems like she puts her trust in the wrong people and distrusts the ones she should be trusting. She doesn't talk to me much about her problems and likewise I don't talk to her about mine. When I have in the past she was very short. It almost felt like she was blowing it off and I'm someone who takes what someone else says to me to heart. I care a lot. I feel like I've done all I can to show her I'm a trustworthy person, but still there isn't any trust. This just makes things really weird between us when we're working a slow night.
So let's talk about Krissy. Krissy is the same age as me and coincidentally, also has two little kids shortly spaced apart in years. For the most part, I trust her over any of the other ladies I work with. I see this glimmer of hope in her that makes me think maybe one day she won't be as shallow as she is. Yet at the moment she is. She exaggerates her stories, which isn't too big a deal to me. What is a big deal is how she lies. What does bother me is how she plays the victim card so much. She blames how she is on this or that. I loathe how she'll act like such an understanding person to me and talks about how she "likes" something and then to another person, trash talk it completely. I think she has a need for feeling accepted and I think I understand where it comes from, but she doesn't have to try so hard for people to like her.
Next is Melanie. Melanie just graduated high school a year ago so I can kind of understand why she is the way she is for the most part, but sometimes it gets under my skin. Much like Krissy and Mary, she's just very shallow. I'll never ever understand the need for putting down someone else. ESPECIALLY if it's something about their physical features. I don't get that. I hate it. Melanie has a lot of attitude and is quick to get angry or upset. The thing that bothers me about that is she claims to be a Buddhist. I know from my own experience with religion that it's hard to follow things to a T, but I feel like she doesn't really try at all. Buddha was a great teacher and one of the things he taught was to not let anger control you, but she will at the drop of a hat.
I feel awful for writing this and seeing it "out loud" in words makes me realize it probably all sounds silly and trivial, but I just feel like there's a lot of negativity surrounding these girls and no matter how much advice I try to give them, they never change and it's just a bit frustrating. I feel like sometimes I'm slipping from the path of Tao and I wonder -- Is it because I'm allowing the personalities of these girls to overcome me? Or am I simply just not being strong enough to let it go, walk the path of Tao and fully accept who they are?
I've been making a lot of self discoveries and understandings and I'm getting more of a sense of fulfillment. Slowly, I'm starting to make changes and be more appreciative toward the things I wasn't before.
Now I'm at a very difficult, frustrating place and I'm just not sure what to do... I hope eventually it's just another hurdle I have to jump, but right now at this moment, it's cauing me a great deal of hurt.
I'm a sex addict. I'm in no way perfect or ever claimed to be. But... After years of feeling frustrated, hopeless and confused, I finally figured out why I got into the pattern I did. I finally figured out why I stumbled so much in my relationship to feel love the way it just was. My boyfriend knows I'm a sex addict. He knows of my many, many partners I've had during our relationship. He knows he doesn't like this pattern and doesn't want it for me. And I agree with him.
So why does he want sex from me so often? I thought... Our relationship was based off of so much more than just sex. Sex... Is something disposable for me. I can find a partner, be intimate with them for that moment and be done... No strings, no feelings attached. Nothing soul-baringly deep or anything I could become vulnerable to. But for him... I'm willing to be vulnerable. I'm willing to give my all and to accept the feelings and return them with sincerity. I thought what we have is so much stronger than just sex... But, I feel like it's not. He just wants it more than I'm willing to give because with him it's not as important. It's not something I feel like I have to keep seeking because I'd rather just show my affections through love. Why doesn't he understand this? Why does he try to guilt trip me any time I don't give it to him?
I feel so lost right now... I tried to change to be a better person for myself and to give stability to my relationship, but it just feels as unstable as ever and... This will sound horrible, but in a way it makes me feel like what's the point of giving it up? Why should I work so hard not to stray if I'm only going to be treated like this? :(
This is a pretty personal diary entry filled with self discoveries. :P It will most likely bore any readers, but I just felt the need to write it out somewhere.
At one point in my life, I found love. Real, true, honest love. I fell pretty deep. It was the kind of deep love that made me feel like everything was right in the world. Like the only thing I could see in my future was this person. I was very... Happy.
Unfortunately, I was also very naive. I had idealizations, expectations of what a partner SHOULD be. I didn't think that this is another human being that has flaws just like me and just doesn't care and wants to be with me because he sees the actual good.
I'm a huge fan of the show "Sex and the City." Through out the series I made connections with each of the characters. Miranda, the independent one. Samantha, the one in love with sex. Carrie, the quirky dreamer. The only character I couldn't fully connect with was Charlotte. In fact, I detested her character. I wrote her off as a prude. She felt like she needed to be married and have this traditional life of kids and a working husband while she stays at home. She wasn't strong like Miranda, creative and inventive like Carrie, open and aggressive as Samantha.
...So when did I become this cynical?
The truth is, Charlotte was a more deeper character than I ever gave her credit for. And I can't believe it's taken me this long to really realize that. She was strong. Stronger in a way then the rest of them. Because she wanted something so deep with someone else, something that can't be replicated by another set of people or with another person. Sex is easy, it's simple. It either turns out good or it either turns up bad, but either way you can just be done with it and move on. Falling in love... Takes a lot of guts. It's hard to do. To let yourself be that free and vulnerable to somebody else. You don't really know what to expect from that person. They hold both your immeasurable, intense joy and your equally intense pain. There is no "just being done and moving on." No matter what, in some way that person is always a part of you. And this is what Charlotte wanted. This is why I now see her as a strong woman. She was willing to give her all to someone else and that's amazing.
I've been hurt more times than I can count. I couldn't get passed it all. Life kept moving forward, but all my feelings were stuck where they were. I couldn't understand for the longest time how people could always be so happy together. I couldn't remember what true love felt like. I made myself so numb to it because of all the hurt. Of course there was hurt... It's unavoidable in any relationship. It's never intended. No one is perfect. They're just another human being with flaws just like me.
I'm sorry for all the pain I caused. I'm sorry that it took me this long to really realize what love is truly about. I want to be like Sandra D in Grease. I want to be hopelessly devoted to you. It might take me more time, but at least admitting all this is a start...
So... A lot has happened between now and last night. It feels like I've been living in some weird movie. I made some self discoveries, destroyed a couple people, found out that sometimes people don't want to help despite what their intentions are. Through some of my interactions with people, I held back what I really felt and wanted to say. I'm not going to name any names, but I guess I'm just trying to get my feelings out. I hope if anyone reads this, they understand...
In one light you're pretty amazing because though I caused some deceit, you were willing to stay supportive. I'm really sorry for it all. I messed up pretty bad. But... It also helped me to find out the type of person you are. Because later I found out something about you and it completely turns me away. Kind of makes me feel dumb because you're definitely not the person I thought you were or that you make yourself out to be, but it's okay... It's good.
You're just ridiculous. I understand being as angry as you are, but that's NO justification for the mind games. And I KNOW you'll read this so you know who you are. Your threats are completely unnecessary and not a good way of trying to handle this situation. Punish me for what I've done, fine, but don't try to punish me for everything else I haven't even done. This is all a two way street, nothing is one sided here.
You... Really disappointed me. I talked to you because I hought I could trust you, because you've shown me I could before. In one hand I understand where you're coming from, but still... I just needed someone to talk to and you didn't want to "become involved." It really angers me and takes my trust for you a huge step back. I know you don't agree with what I've done, but I just didn't feel like there was a need to add insult to injury. To be honest I just feel like I can't even talk to you anymore. It will only be awkward from here on out after that. I'm sorry I trusted you. I'm sorry I relied on you like that. I wish you would have told me a lot sooner you didn't want to "become involved" in my problems. Don't worry, I won't bother you anymore with anything... Because now... I don't need anyone. I don't trust anyone. Not anyone in person and not anyone on this site now. I'm done with it all.
You helped me a lot more than you realize. Honestly, I never thought you of all people would help me like you did. But you've helped me answer questions I couldn't figure out for years and it makes me feel so much better to finally understand. Thans for opening my eyes on something I've been living so blindly. I feel like I'm forever in your debt because of this.
You guys are amazing. :) You don't have to even try and you make me feel so great when all is not so great. I'm lucky to have you in my life. You don't quite understand what's going on with me - I hope you never do - but you've been my sunshine through it all. Thank-you so much.
I refused to post any of these publically on my Facebook page, however... I wanted to list them somewhere to serve as a reminder. I put a lot of thought into these and I hope with all sincerety I can follow each and every one of them.
1. Get rid of my sex addiction.
I'm tired of my stupid addiction. I feel like it gets out of control and gets in the way of so much in my life. It makes me feel bad and pathetic and though I love sex and love the temporary release it gives me. I know it's only that - temporary. I'm getting rid of this addiction once and for all.
2. Be more active in my relationship.
David and I have had a looot of problems and over the years a lot of ups and downs that have brought on a lot of distrust and resentment. I want to rid our relationship of all this toxic negativity and try to fall in love again with the man I once loved with all my heart. I think we can really do it if we truly put our hearts into it. I hope it works out.
3. Be more nurturing toward my kids.
Being an adult child of emotional neglect, sometimes I get really confused about feelings and emotions. I don't always understand how to control mine and I don't always know how to handle or react to others'. I want to give my kids everything I never got in my childhood, including loving support. They deserve more of my attention. They're amazing kids and I want to try to actually be more of a better mom to them.
4. Hang out or talk to every single person on my facebook friends list.
Why not? We're supposed to be "friends" so why don't we act like it more? At first my goal was to hang out with all my friends on my facebook friends list, but then I thought about all my out of state friends and realized this was kind of unrealistic. So I'm going to make sure I either hang out with or have an actual conversation with all 191 of my friends. There are 365 days of a year, right? Shouldn't be too difficult. :)
5. Stay commited to eating healthy and working out.
I want to be more healthy. This one really is a necessity. I don't think I'll get a gym membership right away, honestly. But I will get one and I will go every day and I will look into healthier recipes and snacks. :)
6. Save more money.
I spend too much. I really need to save when I can and stop spending. Sometimes it can be almost as addictive as sex.
7. Write every day in my "gratitude journal."
I bought a 5-year gratitude journal last year. I wrote in it for a little while, but I want to be more positive so I'm going to try to stay commited in writing in my gratitude journal this year so I'll have all these good memories to reflect back on next year. :)
I feel really down lately and I recognize I can get up and make steps toward making myself happy, but it's difficult when I've done it before and just fell flat on my face.
This time last year I was "homeless" (without my kids and boyfriend and living at my grandpa's,) failing out of college, just quit my job and I was suffering from agoraphobia after being mugged walking home.
Since then I've gotten my driver's license, moved into my own place with my kids, split up/had extreme difficulties with my relationship, mostly gotten out of financial debt, got an awesome job, lost said awesome job.
That last blow has been the most difficult one. Living paycheck to paycheck, not being able to pay my grandpa back for all he's done for my family, worrying about the necessities like gas, bills, diapers, etc. It all sucks. I've always felt career driven and now that I've flunked out of school I may not have that. I feel scared I'm going to be stuck doing dead end retail jobs that I want so desperately out of. I already owe a bunch in student loans, I can't go back and finish just so I can owe more. My certification won't get me a job that will pay enough to cover it all.
I hate the feeling of regret. It's not one I usually harbor at all, but this... I just can't forgive myself for.
I couldn't ever rely on the kids' dad to take care of us. He's a great father - don't get my wrong. But he was never one to be driven or motivated. I did so much last year to help out my family. He has no G.E.D, no driver's license... I just feel that, besides taking care of his children... He's so irresponsible. AND I'M THE ONE WITH ANXIETY!
I'm not sure if this will make any sort of sense. I have many different thoughts going on at once and at 4:30 in the morning I'm pretty sleep deprived at this point. I apologize in advance to anyone reading this who can't make any sense out of it. It's been a long time since I've used my diary. I felt like now would be a pretty good time.
I don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling right now. I feel lucid; void from feelings. Like, all of my feelings erupted inside of me and now they're gone. Now they're empty. It doesn't feel like sadness, it doesn't feel like depression. I really don't know how to describe it. But I know I've felt it before. And I know it usually makes me feel on some scale of crazy.
Earlier tonight Ganon, my 3-year-old son woke up upset. It was over something trivial, his nose was running. Being a kid, I understand this is just part of how he shows his frustration. I was coaxed to go comfort him, something I didn't even think about doing. I tried my best to. I wiped his nose, brought him his favorite stuffed toy, told him I loved him and kissed him good-night. I went back to my room where my "boyfriend" (confusing relationship right now) was waiting and he told me I was a good mom for helping to comfort our son. It just made me pull away because I felt so confused. Confused over what? I have no idea. Just the act of trying to comfort my son was so foreign to me. The compliments on doing it felt foreign to me too. I didn't like it. I'm not sure why, but I didn't. It really freaked me out.
People see the things I do or the things I say and they tell me how they think I'm a great person. How they think I'm doing good things or being sweet. I thank them with sincere appreciation because I do try hard to be a good person, but deep down... Sometimes I just think, how can they not see what a shitty, fucked up person I am? I mean... The fact alone that I'm "TRYING" to be a good person should speak volumes on that. Truly good people don't TRY to be good, they just are. They do it with ease and without thinking about it because they're good people. I'm not one of those people.
I have these constant, intrusive thoughts of sex with multiple people. "Well everyone fantasizes about different people now and then." True, but I always seem to go one step over just fantasizing. I take advantage of them, use them for the physical gratitude and then want nothing more. I feel like a hermit crab moving from one shell to the next. I have periods of time where I'll stop sex altogether, but that's where the intrusive thoughts come up the most. Staring at men and women at work, getting dangerously close to sexual chat with innocent people, having wet dreams every night. Sure, they're "innocent" fantasies at first, but I always work my way into making them realities. I always think afterward "what the hell is wrong with me?" It's like this fucked up, vicious cycle that for whatever reason, since I first started having sex, I can't fucking break. I feel like a fucking prisoner and the fucked up thing is I'm the one who's locking myself up.
I wish it was as easy as just stopping. I wish I wasn't so fucked up and I wish people could see how shitty of a person I really am so I can stop feeling so guilty every time they midjudge me as a good person. I've ruined so much in my life and I truly have no one to blame, but myself.