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RW1989

RW1989

What can I say, I've struggled all my life with personal relationships. My hopes are that I can meet and connect with people who understand what it's like to live with this disorder. A little bit about me, I'm 23 years old and once upon a time I was a VFR Pilot at Rebel Aviation Flight School. I've maintained a decent job for 5 years and I mostly keep to myself. Although a part of me wants to stay in my comfort zone, (away from people I don't know) recently, there has been a growing part of me that wants change, which is why I'm here.

Well, before I begin, I would like to point out that the purpose of me typing this is to have something to look back at when I'm going through the up's and down's of life. And I encourage anyone else who believes in this to do the same when they are not feeling well.

1) Treat people the way you want to be treated,

2) Don't debate your differences, discuss them

3) It's okay to be wrong

4) It's okay to be different

5) It's okay to be afraid

6) Remind those in your life what they mean to you everyday, show them random gestures of kindness and love

7) Try new things and try them often, that's how memories are created

8) Don't let anger and hate influence your life, because in the end, the only person you are hurting is you

9) Be open and honest with those you interact with, and encourage them to do the same. That's how relationships are strengthened / forged

10) Take the impossible, difficult, and less traveled roads in life. You never know what may come of them

11) Be you! Be unique! Do things that set you apart from the crowd, and do them often

12) Cherish your friendships and relationships, you never know where they may take you

13) Help those around you, If they're happy, be happy with them, if they're sad, be sad with them

14) Don't respond to ignorance with ignorance, your better than that

15) Do the things that make you happy, and do them often

16) Do things that make people smile. Again, that's how memories are created

17) Forgive. People make mistakes, nobody is perfect

18) Never let money determine your happiness or affect your relationships with people

19) Be humble and modest, respectful and courteous, responsible and mature in all of your endevours

20) Give without the intention of receiving

21) Be open minded to things/people that are different

22) Don't be afraid to make fun of yourself from time to time

23) Be proud of who you are

24) Remember that only you are the one that determines your happiness

25) Don't be afraid of failure, rejection, or loss

26) Learn from your mistakes

27) Don't get jeoulous or envious. Even if you'll never have something, learn to appreciate and respect those who do

28) Remember that you're never to old to learn something new or to be wrong

29) Be carefree and remember to appreciate the little things in life

30) Cherish every good memory as if it were your last

31) Don't judge people for their differences. Again, no one is perfect

32) Don't live in the past, learn to let go

33) Take time to understand and learn from those around you. You can learn a lot

34) Practice what you preach ;)

 

At the end of the day, there is only 3 things you need: Air in your lungs, A family that loves you, and friends that accept you.

Recently, I've began to try and disect my commnication skills in an effort to impove this aspect of my life. I often find myself asking myself "Why can't you be like everyone else?" "Why can't you just once not be consumed by your insecurities and fears?" "Why do you feel SO compelled to hide your short comings and give the impression nothing is wrong?" Thing is, my self defense is being funny (or at least trying to be). As some of you may know, casual conversations, or as I think of them "meaningful" conversations, scare me. I find myself trying SO hard to not turn everything into a punch line and actually have a conversation of substance. Because of my fears that I am simply incapable of stimulating conversations, I make a big joke of it and say misleading things simply for comedic effect. I go into a conversation thinking "I am going to sit down and actually talk with this person." But everytime I do, I panic that that awkward silence will find it's way into the conversation. So as the person is speaking to me, I hear what's being said, but I don't LISTEN to what's being said. Funny thing is, whenever people come to me with their problems or simply seek advice (sometimes both), I am relaxed, attentive, sympatheitc, mindful, and completely care free of the direction the conversation goes. But in casual conversations, as the person is talking, I am thinking, "okay, what do I say next to keep the conversation going and maintain the other persons attention?" By the time I have thought that, the person is already done talking and waiting for a response. Which usually causes me to resort to humor and/or make light of the fact that I didn't listen to a word they say. Unfortunetly, a lot of people that interact with me don't always view that as funny. =/ They say your only as free as you feel. If that's true, then I very much feel like I am in prison. Really, always have. Yesterday, I was told about a technique I can try to get me to stop thinking inwards and just go with the flow of things. I was told to start paying attention to what is around me more. Don't think about anything but the detail of your surrondings. The color of the walls, what kind of shirt the person is wearing, pictures, people in the backround, etc. So starting today, I am going to try this little tactic out and see if it works. In case you are wondering, the whole point of this entry is so one day I'll hopefully be able to look back at this entry and be proud that I overcame this problem.

 

And thanks much to anyone that reads this! =)

Saturday, 07 September 2013 09:44

My Anxiety

Well, where do I even begin? I have one million things floating around in my head about what exactly to type. Now that I know what I’m going to time, my anxiety will probably be through roof tomorrow. Right now, my hands are shaking, heart’s racing, and I’m covered in sweat. I just hope I have the courage to leave this and not feel compelled to delete it. But here goes nothing. Thing is, being an effective communicator is not exactly something I am good at. For starters, as far back as I can remember, I've always felt more comfortable being alone. I grew up that way. As a kid, it never bothered me to find a corner of the park to go play in by myself. Really, I preferred it that way. I think it was a general lack of trust for other people. And as I got older it seemed second nature to me to be alone. I never thought anything of it. I never really viewed it as a problem, I thought of it as just I was a normal person who just preferred being alone. In reality, it was my comfort zone and it and to an extent, it still is.  But it wasn't until a few years ago that I started to notice things about myself.

 

I don’t have a lot of friends, but I do have a small inner circle, if you will. But even then, I noticed as much as I have in common with them, I was still different. Early on, I would blame that on the people around me rather than myself. My friends love going to parties, meeting new people, being in large groups, talking about their everyday problems and confiding in one another. I just never had the urge to do all/any of those things. I didn't bother me to keep to myself, or so I thought. Slowly I started comparing myself to all the other people my age. Most people my age crave interaction with others, having friends, going to social gatherings, being in constant contact, expressing their feelings to close ones, confiding in people, and being a part of something. And while those things are nice, it didn't faze me to not have any of that. Not that I didn't go out and do things, I just always did them by myself. Once I kind of started to get that feeling that something was wrong. I chalked it up as nonsense, and to prove it to myself I tried to be more open and active with groups of people. Looking back at it, I think because of all the time I spent doing things be myself, I found I've never really developed social skills. I found it difficult to hold conversations with people without that awkward silence finding its way into the conversation. Even worse, I found I actually got extremely uncomfortable interacting with people. I can make small talk with a clerk at the gas station or a person in an elevator, but casual conversations scare the bejeezus out of me. I never really had anxiety before this because I never forced myself to interact with people. But after I read up on social anxiety and detachment disorder I found they described me to the letter.

 

When I would interact with my friends, they were able to express their affection and their thoughts for/of me better than I could for them. Not that I didn’t like them, I just always had difficulty showing it. Whenever I would try, it would be interpreted wrong and ruin the friendship. Guys would think I’m too eager to be their friend and girls would think the only reason I would talk to them is because I was infatuated with them. With a lot of girls I would meet, relationships always entered my mind, but I always preferred to be friends first. But still, it never worked, which over time, didn’t make me very optimistic. Relationships in particular have always been a sore subject for me. Everybody that knows me personally always wants to see what that side of me is like. Attracting a girl was never a problem, keeping her attention however was. It was incredibly frustrating not being able to send the right message and come to a mutual understanding. Because of my fear of being around people and facing rejection, it was an incredibly long process to get in a certain mindset and muster up the courage to ask both girls and guys alike to casually go and hang out or even talk with me. Deep down, it would frustrate me when I would get rejected because of the difficult mental process I had to put myself through leading up to asking them.

 

The ones that didn’t reject me terrified me, because I would dread those inevitable thoughts of wondering WHEN it would happen, and not IF it would happen. I was always convinced it would happen because of my inability to effectively communicate and show the appropriately due degree of affection. There have been SO many times I wanted to give up. Initially, I almost deleted my profile on here a few times as a result. Somehow, I have been able to not only stop myself, but consistently message people on here. Ironically, I hate being ignored and I hate it when people disappear on me. Simply put, that’s rejection. At the same time, that’s what’s I’ve been known to do out of fear of interaction. I am by no means proud to admit that, quite the opposite actually. And as you might be able to guess, I am also very reluctant to admit any of this.

 

 How do you tell people you want learn to be friends without making them afraid to interact with you? How do you tell people “I avoid friends and strangers alike, but I’m trying to be your friend right now”? What do you say when people say “you need to open up more and not go be by yourself”? How do you forge friendships/relationships with this floating in your head every second of your day? In fact, this is all so frustrating; it’s reduced me to tears several times, which is A) not something I do a lot of and B) something I NEVER admit to.  I’m proud to admit that this site has helped me a lot. I found it difficult to meet people on here with this problem. This doesn’t surprise me, given the fact that most people with these thought patterns typically don’t try to interact and relate to people. I’ve been privileged enough to be able to both talk with certain people on here on a consistent basis and chat with a few others. And I’ve gotten better about remembering that even if all those friendships amount to nothing in the end, they are still worth having. Yesterday, I slowly began to realize just how much they mean to me and how much I find myself looking forward to that interaction as each day passes. Which If you understood anything I’ve type so far, you would know that that is not a feeling that I am familiar with having. It’s both strange and to a small extent, unnerving to me. I will not stop. I refuse to give up. That is the reason I am still here. In the meantime, I am currently taking steps to see a therapist and further my understanding of what it means to be a friend.

 

 

Tuesday, 03 September 2013 08:55

Flight School

 

Well first of all there is 2 different aspects to flight school. You have time spent in the aircraft and then you have what is literally called ground school. Time spent in the aircraft is pretty self explanatory, your basically flying the plane. Ground school is a different ball game. In ground school, they teach you basic airman knowledge. Things like calculating fuel burn, radio chatter, weight and balance distribution, navigation and plotting, understanding the flight instruments, etc.. But anyway, I had acquired 11 hours of flight time and I completed ground school. My instructor said I need to get my medical license. I needed a third class medical license to fly the planes I was flying, but, wanting the most out of it, I requested a first class. I used to have seizures as a kid. They were induced by flashing lights. The night before I made the appointment for my physical, all my friends and family told me that if I said ANYTHING about it, even if I still ended up flying, it would cause some major headaches. I knew that the FAA (Federal Aviation Administration) would not investigate me unless I gave them reason to do so. So I went to the doctor’s office the next day fully intent on lying. My reason was because I looked at my life, and realized that despite all the dreams and aspirations I had, I never pursued any of them. It seems like yesterday I was still in high school. I always felt like I had SO much energy and nothing to devote it to. In elementary school, I was a gung ho student that always studied in his free time. As I got older, I began to make friends and found myself not caring about my studies. But anyway, back on topic.  I also felt like I never had anything to be proud of. But as I sat in the lobby waiting for the doctor, I realized that this was my dream. And if I was going to achieve it or anything worth having for that matter, I was not going to base it off a lie. As he called me in, I was still fighting it in my head about what to do. I decided to wait for his results first. He passed me. After that I decided to tell him. This guy was a doctor, Lieutenant Colonel in the Amry Reserves, General in the USAF, a commercial Pilot, and a member of the FAA.  I mean I wouldn't be surprised if the guy invented fire at some point too. Anyway, he submitted everything I gave him to the FAA. They said that I had to find the Neurologist I went to as a kid and have 10 tests done to me. Upon doing my research, I learned that the cheapest test was $800. With the help of my parents, I learned that the doctor I had seen as a kid had retired. So I picked another Neurologist. I went in for a preliminary and he said that the tests I was required to take covered 5 major portions of my brain. He said based on my medical history, at least 3 major portions of my brain will have abnormal brain waves and that there was a 90% chance I would fail and be told no. I was ready to do whatever it took, I was pleading with him for medication, brain surgery, something, anything. He said there was nothing he could do. So at that point I was at the crossroads. Do I spend the next year saving up all this money just to be told no? I reluctantly stopped pursuing it. I not allowed to fly alone as a result, but that hasn't stopped me from going to the airfield, renting a plane and flying around with my old instructor sitting in the passenger seat. It's expensive, so I really only do it when I wanna clear my head and get away from everything. Something about flying and looking off into the sunset with only my thoughts is very therapeutic for me.

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