I fight with my mind through the depths of my brain.
I'm searching and searching for that unbearable pain.
I'm sad and lonely in my world of voices
Attacking my sanity and removing my choices.
Why must it be a sentence of crazy
Judging our fears, our phobias you just think we're lazy
I live in a world alone and so cold
I'm crazy and sad, that's what I'm told
I don't have a life and friends are so few.
I can count on my hand, one and then two.
I'm given a choice between voices and dread.
Or live like a zombie taking the med
The future looks dark so empty and vast.
It only gets better when you let go of the past
I wish I could tell you no worries I'm fine.
But it's not up to me it's all in my mind.
When I look back two years and see the difference in my life it scares the crap out of me. I have always had to live my life around my anxiety and doing the best I could to manage it. I worked out all the time and had a highly active life style and lots of friends. Now I am a prisoner of my own mind being controlled by anxiety and panic attacks.
I blew off my second attempt this week to see a new doctor because my doctor is leaving the area. I spent the last two day's focusing on how the appointment would go, several different senarios and an exit plan if needed.
Well I can honestly say I didn't need to deploy my emernecy plan because I worked myself into such a state of fear and panic and I couldn't leave the house.
I am the crazy person hiding in the dark, peaking through the windows and spying in the park.
I'm hiding in the shadows and always dress in black I am the crazy person just about to crack.
I am the crazy person people don't acknowlege I wish I had a dollar so I could have gone to college.
Society turns it's back and pushes us away so let me tell you something we are here to stay
I am the crazy person surviving on the edge all my crazy voices saying step up to the ledge.
I am the crazy person hiding in my brain shutting off the voices and killing all the pain
I am the crazy person linving with the shame. when you don't acknowlege us your just as much to blame.
My name is Rob and I feel like I am losing the battle with my anxiety and panic attacks. I have had social anxiety disorder and panic attacks for the last 30 years and have been able to maintain a close to normal life style. Over the last five years though it has been an exhasting battle that has taken it's toll on me. I was in an accident and crippled my left ankle making it very difficult to walk and limits my mobility to a few blocks.
Because of my anxiety and panic it makes it impossible to rely on plublic transit. Over the last two years my condition has become so bad I had to be admitted to a hostpital for hypertension and panic attacks twice. The second time I lost partial vision in my right eye and has never returned. Now when I have a panic attack this is the first thing I worry about losing sight in my other eye. A month later I was back in hospital with a heart attack.
It was only a few years ago I was still working out every day and had an active life style. Now I am a borderline agoraphobic and only leave my place for maybe thirty minutes a day and some days I never step outside. This only adds to my condition, it's like a snow ball rolling down hill and it just gets faster, bigger and spinning out of control. This is why I joined Anxiety Social Net, this is my last resort of some kind of preventive action and daily maintance for my anxiety and panic.
I tried to go for therapy but my anxiety would become so bad just from being in the waiting room I was never able to make it thriugh the door; Some time it will take me two or three tries just to get my groceries and it always happens that I get a panic attack waiting in the check out line. I have become a prisoner of my anxiety and feel like I am being sucked into a black hole.
I hope by sharing my situation and hearing other peoples stories it will help me fight back against my anxiety and panic.