I was really depressed Friday, so bad that I had to call my therapist. This anxiety/depression feeling really sucks. There is no reason for it, it is just there. This weekend my in-laws visited and it was nice spending time with them. They took us out to dinner to celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary. My son had a great time with them as well. Saturday was a really nice day and we all played outside for a while. I was so stressed about work yesterday that I came in to catch up on some stuff while the family went bowling. It was good for all but the whole time I was at work I was stressing about missing time with them. When I got home, I started stressing about not being at work so I came in super early today, Monday, to try and get more done. Guess what, still stressed and for no good reason, just am. Sigh, really wish this horrible feeling would dissappear. Well, gotta get back to it.
It’s a dark and stormy night at sea. I’m on a sailboat not meant to be in rough waters like this. One high wave too many hits the boat and I’m knocked overboard. The rain is pouring down around me as I struggle to stay above the surface of the water. It’s icy cold and the waves keep pounding me under again and again, forcing more of the freezing, salty liquid into my already burning lungs. I finally break the surface and scream as loud as I can to my husband Jeremy, who is still on the boat. He tosses me a life raft, but it is just out of my reach. He pulls it back to the boat, looks at me and then turns and walks away, leaving me to drown or survive on my own. I’m all alone in the sea of emptiness and despair. The boat is getting further and further away. I can barely make it out and can only catch a glimpse of it when the lightning strikes. Suddenly, it is gone, and another black wave devours me and pulls me under. This time, I don’t fight it. I stay under and let the coldness and pain consume me. No one cares if I live or die so why should I? The cold embrace of nothingness begins to creep into my body. I feel weightless, sinking in the ocean I used to love, but now am dying in. I feel so weightless now I think I’m floating. Wait, not floating, being pulled above the water. A hand has me and is pulling me out of the sea. I’m standing on the water now and I look up and all the pain, cold and fear dissolves. He has me. I am not alone. Things in this world may reject me, but not Him. He was rejected more than any other person that has ever lived. Suffered unimaginably. And yet still pulls me out of the depths to tell me I am worth saving, I am worth dying for, I am special, unique and loved unconditionally. The sea falls away, the rain stops and I’m standing on a beach in front of a calm ocean at sunrise. The air is crisp, clean and fresh and it fills my lungs with the breath of life. Jesus stands there, holding my hand and says that no matter what this world has in store for me, I am NEVER alone. I am worthy, I am strong, I am awesome and I can get through this because He is with me!
We decided to have another baby but I was on anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medication. So under the supervision of my doctors, I weaned off the meds, went through two weeks of physical withdrawal symptoms from hell and am still barely keeping them at bay with supplements. Then three days ago, the reason I was on the medication came back with a vengeance. I have been consumed by worry, stress, anxiety, depression, guilt and hoplessness. I'm still in therapy and am tyring to do my coping techniques but it is really hard. I told my husband before I went off the medication I would need his help and support in the form of being there for me to talk/cry to when things were bad. Now, what do I hear from him? My life isn't that bad so there's no reason for me depressed. It's all in my head (DUH!!!). I'm just acting this way to get attention. Sigh...............so I'm considering going back on a medication that is considered more safe than others for pregnancy because honestly, if this keeps up, we'll be headed for divorce.