Just had one of the worst panic attacks. I have been struggling with classes lately, and I feel like maybe I am not in the right field of study since I am struggling so much. I have already switched my major 3 times mind you. Recently I have been having thoughts like I am not doing something right and that something doesn't feel right with my classes like I am not doing what the future thinks. This has been stressing me out a lot and since I recently paid for summer classes and registered for classes next fall I have been having anxiety because I need to figure out and decide soon before I am taking classes I don't need and wasting money putting me more into debt. When I think about what interests me or if I could do anything I wanted what would it be, I literally have no idea. Also, the things I am interested in my grades don't show it therefore it makes me feel like I am not smart enough and that maybe I shouldn't be doing this because I feel like it's supposed to come easy. I know college isn't supposed to be easy, but I feel like I shouldn't be struggling this much even when being tutored or getting extra help from other people and the professor himself.
I voiced my concern to my significant other and we talked about it. I He kind of had a tiny attitude because I keep blaming the classes for being so hard and that in reality he knows I don't put forth the effort I say I am. This hit me like a ton of bricks and sent me into a panic attack because this is true. I don't put in 100% or even over 100%. I never have with school because I never knew the importance of it and the repurcussions of not having good study habits or taking the time for it because I wanted to do something else. I just feel so stupid that I did this to myself. I feel like I ruined everything and that I made my life so much harder because I have to retake classes or have the fear that I won't get accepted into a masters program because my GPA is too low for acceptance. This is the #1 reason why I hate anxiety because it makes me freak out about the future and try to plan everything ahead of time and that I have to control everything and feel in control because if not I get anxiety and then I get depressed and then have panic attacks and question everything. In this case it is making me wish I could start over and I can't which kills me inside because it's all my fault for not taking school seriously in the first place.
My boyfriend keeps telling me its in the past and I can't do anythinf about it expect change it now so it will help in the future. I am going to chang this time, I need to because I cannot handle this anymore. I really wish people without anxiety or depression understood how we feel so deeply towards everything and how one thing going wrong feels like your world has fallen apart. He doesn't understand that I can't forget the past my depression doesn't let me, I try to forget but then the bad times come to remind me. I try not to care but that's just who I am and I wish he understood that about me. This happens to me a lot when I care too much and then something bad happens and causes me to have a panic attack. I just wish he knew that I can't change that about me even though I wish I could more than anything. He is slowly understanding but it's hard for someone that doesn't have anxiety to know how it makes us act and feel towards everything. To them it's a pebble, while to us its a mountain. We try to find or see the light but it's hard too. So tonight, I am feeling very alone in my depressed state and that no one understands that I feel so stupid and that I ruined a big part of my life and I wish I could restart, even though it's really nothing I can do so I should move on and change for the better.
I do want to say one thing about my boyfriend because thei blog doesn't represent him well. He has been there for me 100% of the time when I have my anxitey attacks, depression, and family/school/everyday life issues even when are about him and I am attacking him because my anxitey makes me freak out and think all these crazy thoughts that arent true. He sits there and listens, trys to help me, supports me, makes me at least get a smile when I am balling in his arms, but most important is that he is there and he cares no matter what and hopefully one day he will undestand. He is trying. It's a lot for someone without anxitey to handle painc attaks and ugly-crying so I give him mad props. He has helped me realize a lot and I am forever greatful.