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Wednesday, 27 April 2016 22:13

My story

I have had anxiety in varying degrees since the sixth grade.   I can recall my first panic attack as clear as day.   I was in pre algebra and had no idea what to do so I just raised my hand.   I recall not even really being there but everyone starting at me.   My teacher asked if I felt sick because I was so pale.   I just nodded yes and went to the bathroom.   I later confided in what I deemed to be a good friend about it, now mind you i had no idea what "it" was at the time, so she spread it all over the school and it became a point of ridicule.  Beyond that I didbt years struggling with what I didn't know.   I had a harrowing childhood to say the very least,  I've endured every kind of abuse possible at the hands of basically every adult in my life.  Eventually I spoke to my mom about what was going on,  3 or 4 years after it started,  and age explained it sounded like anxiety.  Just knowing what it could be was the most freeing thing.   I was inevitably started on Zoloft.  I had adverse reactions,  became suicidal and was put in a program for troubled kids.   Well I once again confided it what I consisted to be another very good friend.   She spread it around that I went crazy, and once again my mental health was a point of ridicule among my peers.  I then went for years pretty clear and free from anxiety.   I met my now fiance at 15, we traveled and moved and life was great for the first time ever.   Until the birth of my first daughter.   I noticed during my pregnancy I became more and more anxious and once she was born I wasnt even myself anymore.  I had my second daughter almost immediately.  My fiance worked 3rd shift and I couldn't bear to be alone,  so I would go to my mother's every single night.  It only got better when I moved closer to my mom and he switched shifts.  I assumed this was just a post partum issue so I got over it pretty well with time, therapy,  and hypnosis.   Fast forward a few years and I'm certain I'm all better.  I start nursing school,  on top of two jobs.   I end doing out because my anxiety comes back and I'd borderline crippling.  I am now at a dead end I feel.  I lost my job in january, not related to the anxiety, but now I can barely leave my house.  I'm home a while day long and I'm an anxious wreck until anyone comes home.   While my fiance is fantastic he gets frustrated that I won't even try to go places.  I just know I'll feel like shit, I don't want to have a freak out in front of my daughters,  and don't want to ruin their time when I have to turn around and go home.   I honestly feel that they would do better without me around at this point.   I feel ashamed, I've missed so much of their lives, my life, and the people I lives lives because of this disorder.   I hold it to myself because I know how many times is been thrown back in my face.   I am trying, but everyday is a struggle. 

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we are a community of people struggling with mental health issues, you are not alone!


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We are a community of people struggling with mental health issues, you are not alone!