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  • Anxiety Dreams and PTSD

    I have complex PTSD from child abuse. I am 55 years old and have recently started having severe anxiety dreams every night. It's exhausting me. It's been going on for 3 weeks. Anyone else every have these? Have you found a way to deal with them? I wake up in tears and have a huge feeling of sadness and dread. Sometimes they are violent. One night I literally fell out of bed. I have a feeling it's attached to the death of my brother. He was only a year younger than me. He died suddenly two years ago while playing golf.
  • How do I get the moderator to approve the groups I'm trying to make? I already tired to make 3

  • I feel detached, Spaced out, Extremely weird ALL THE TIME, and developing OCD?

    Hello, my name is Andrew. I am only 15 (almost about 16, birthday coming up) and I have been experiencing this... Mental issue, for some time. There are TWO types of problems I want to cover. This first erupted around June 2014. My family got some sort of stomach virus or got food poisoning except me and my mother, this REALLY put some fright into me. This caused a fear of mine to become more than just a normal fear. When my family got sick, I avoided them as much as possible. I secluded myself in my room to stay away from them and to make sure I did not get sick as the fear I was and still am experiencing is vomiting. I can't really explain why I fear or hate it. I just do. The thought of me vomiting was not really a big deal a long time ago, but now it is far more serious. The current thought of me vomiting triggers constant worry about what I eat, what I eat out of, what I drink, What I drink out of or from, what I touch, what breathe in, and or whatever I even put into my body. I cant stop worrying. This also triggers constant paranoia and sometimes anxiety. The anxiety was REALLY BAD at first. I seem to have developed OCD, for germs especially. I don't really care if my room or if the house looks or is a mess. Just things that could get me sick if not clean or clear such as a glass cup, if it is not clean or is spotty from water or soap residue I will clean it my self and probably waste a lot of hot water cleansing a cup that I am going to use for 30 seconds. I will NOT eat anything unless I check the expiration date first. If it is a day over or a day before expiration, I will NOT eat it. Anything that doesn't have a expiration date on it, I will mostly avoid eating or ingesting it. I have lost weight (around 20+ pounds or lbs) because of this. At first I was just never really hungry because I had no appetite and because I could get sick (Only a bit though), but now it's always because I always think that it could or can make me sick. This is only half my problem.

    Another problem I have is some weird feeling I get. I can't really put my finger on it. When I am at home or in public, I feel very detached, spaced out, or just... weird and strange. This is constant. I cant take it. This started a bit after the stomach issue and anxiety issue occurrence. I first wouldn't leave my room or even my bed. I was having full blown depression, on the verge of suicide. I wouldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. Just lay there waiting to die. I am trying my best to get over this, I am doing better than I was when THIS started. The only thing stopping me is... well... some sort of mental block? I don't know, I seem to also worry about hanging out with friends, going outside, or doing any type of activity that requires leaving my house. There is so much I WANT to do. I want to get into a couple activities, but I keep worrying about getting sick or having anxiety attack right there on the spot. One part of me says "Go do it, you want to do it so just do it!", but the other part of me says "What if this? What if that? Maybe this will happen! You shouldn't do it if this or that!", and one very small part of me says "Don't even think about it, go and do it. Why do you think so much just GO! You will be fine". One thing I ask is. Will I be alright? Is this just a weird thing? (Cant really explain it better than "weird thing") I also feel like I am all alone on this now, I think that my family no longer supports me as I see I am getting punished for feeling like this. I get yelled at for feeling like this and or even defending myself on this matter. I don't want to explain this feeling as this is kinda eye watering for me to talk, type, or write about.

    Please help. I don't want to experience this anymore, I cannot take or deal with this anymore, how do I go about solving this or healing this??? What do I do? Help!

    EDIT: I also think Depersonalization and or "Brain Fog" has something to do with this...
  • Why do i even exist

    Alright, I've got another long whiney post. These problems probably all sound easily fixable, and maybe not even that big a deal, but I can't tell anyone in my life how I feel or what's going on because they don't believe in mental disorders or anything like that, so i'm dumping my train of thought here. You probably shouldn't read this trash anyway, it's stupid and probably hurtful to people who have it worse than me. Anyway, I'm just gonna go for it. My mom called me into the room to tell me I should be actively looking for a job, which I am btw, and that she just wanted what's best for me. I understand this, truly I do, I feel useless and stupid because of my lack of a job. But then she started bringing up some... stuff. She said that she and my dad had kids young so that they'd have their lives to themselves once their kids grew up and left. But my dad told me something completely different a while ago that stuck with me. He said they were having sex because there was nothing better to do in the trailer they lived in, and they didn't have condoms so they said : "oh well, whatever happens, happens" and then had unprotected sex at age 17-18 , creating my brother and then me. There was no planning. My father even told me more than once that he had us out of like some stupid obligation? He said he had kids because reproducing was a human's only purpose. It was all very methodical, and cold, not at all how my mother claims it to be, which just left a sour taste on my tongue, but I said nothing. The second thing my mother said was: "what would you even eat if it weren't for us?" which is something I have been struggling with for years now. Eating I mean. I don't eat most meals because I don't feel like I deserve it, and i'd just been getting better about it when she brought that up, which caused me to spiral. I have been skipping, or eating very little because she brought up that I leave my room to eat and nothing else, which isn't true, but it solidified my fear of leaving my room at all, which I had been getting better with lately as well, and also caused me to feel more guilt for even thinking of eating. I really should stop that nasty habit, shouldn't I? She said that she wanted me to be able to afford my own stuff, my own place, and I do too, but then again I thought I would have killed myself by now so, had been planning it really, so i didn't expect to get this far, and now i'm kinda lost. She said that they had to beg me to do chores or clean up the house, which isn't true. literally if they ask, I do it, and I clean things without being asked all the time. I organize things, and try to keep them tidy but they always end up destroyed and strewn about wherever my parents happen to leave them, because they don't care about other people's work or feelings. My parents even get annoyed when I do this? My dad rolls his eyes in a not fond way, and my mom claims I have ocd for wanting literally anything to be organized? Like I cleaned out the medicine cabinet because there were like these decorative flat glass fish bowl rocks spilling from a bag inside for literal months, things that didn't belong inside and empty boxes, everything was shoved inside and falling out if you open the pantry and they act as though i'm a freak for doing something about it. My mom is the one who fills the counter with empty beercans, the sink with full plates of half eaten food, tosses her crusty dirty socks on the ground wherever she sits, and waits for someone else to clean it all up. Our yard is filled with garbage and junk, and when I offer to help put it away she says no. same with most other messes. Oh well guess i'm just the worst person in the world. Then she said something that truly broke me? It should have been the least impactful thing, but it wasn't. It burned, because I couldn't say anything, and it was just so eye opening how little they paid attention or even knew me as a person outside of who they assumed, or made me out to be. (they consistently tell people how i'm doing, why I do things, or what I'm thinking without my actual opinion or feelings anyway so this really should have been no surprise) It should have been the least impactful thing she said, but it wasn't. She told me I was happy. She said I was happy. Said it right to my face like it was the whole truth and nothing but the truth. She said it wasn't fair to them that I was happy, because they had jobs and I don't. And I get that. I get it, I really do. But I haven't been happy for years. I've been suicidal for years. haven't had close relationships, platonic or otherwise, for years. I haven't wanted or desired or wished for anything but death for years. I get the context clues okay? my parents had me young. They ignored me and my brother as children in favor of drinking, smoking weed, and playing video games. Heck, they wanted nothing to do with me until they learned I could draw, and even then, they only wanted to see my art, and use me to show off to my family members, not talk to me or anything. And this whole time, I never realized. Why was I unhappy? It's because I didn't deserve to be happy of course! It wasn't fair to my parents! I understand completely now! It's not fair to them that they were forced to live with, raise, or even look at me! I did this to them, and god I really am horrible for that aren't I? I mean I can't even get a callback! Can't even support myself. Can't do anything right. Could never do anything right no matter how hard I try.

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