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eating problems

  • Why do i even exist

    Alright, I've got another long whiney post. These problems probably all sound easily fixable, and maybe not even that big a deal, but I can't tell anyone in my life how I feel or what's going on because they don't believe in mental disorders or anything like that, so i'm dumping my train of thought here. You probably shouldn't read this trash anyway, it's stupid and probably hurtful to people who have it worse than me. Anyway, I'm just gonna go for it. My mom called me into the room to tell me I should be actively looking for a job, which I am btw, and that she just wanted what's best for me. I understand this, truly I do, I feel useless and stupid because of my lack of a job. But then she started bringing up some... stuff. She said that she and my dad had kids young so that they'd have their lives to themselves once their kids grew up and left. But my dad told me something completely different a while ago that stuck with me. He said they were having sex because there was nothing better to do in the trailer they lived in, and they didn't have condoms so they said : "oh well, whatever happens, happens" and then had unprotected sex at age 17-18 , creating my brother and then me. There was no planning. My father even told me more than once that he had us out of like some stupid obligation? He said he had kids because reproducing was a human's only purpose. It was all very methodical, and cold, not at all how my mother claims it to be, which just left a sour taste on my tongue, but I said nothing. The second thing my mother said was: "what would you even eat if it weren't for us?" which is something I have been struggling with for years now. Eating I mean. I don't eat most meals because I don't feel like I deserve it, and i'd just been getting better about it when she brought that up, which caused me to spiral. I have been skipping, or eating very little because she brought up that I leave my room to eat and nothing else, which isn't true, but it solidified my fear of leaving my room at all, which I had been getting better with lately as well, and also caused me to feel more guilt for even thinking of eating. I really should stop that nasty habit, shouldn't I? She said that she wanted me to be able to afford my own stuff, my own place, and I do too, but then again I thought I would have killed myself by now so, had been planning it really, so i didn't expect to get this far, and now i'm kinda lost. She said that they had to beg me to do chores or clean up the house, which isn't true. literally if they ask, I do it, and I clean things without being asked all the time. I organize things, and try to keep them tidy but they always end up destroyed and strewn about wherever my parents happen to leave them, because they don't care about other people's work or feelings. My parents even get annoyed when I do this? My dad rolls his eyes in a not fond way, and my mom claims I have ocd for wanting literally anything to be organized? Like I cleaned out the medicine cabinet because there were like these decorative flat glass fish bowl rocks spilling from a bag inside for literal months, things that didn't belong inside and empty boxes, everything was shoved inside and falling out if you open the pantry and they act as though i'm a freak for doing something about it. My mom is the one who fills the counter with empty beercans, the sink with full plates of half eaten food, tosses her crusty dirty socks on the ground wherever she sits, and waits for someone else to clean it all up. Our yard is filled with garbage and junk, and when I offer to help put it away she says no. same with most other messes. Oh well guess i'm just the worst person in the world. Then she said something that truly broke me? It should have been the least impactful thing, but it wasn't. It burned, because I couldn't say anything, and it was just so eye opening how little they paid attention or even knew me as a person outside of who they assumed, or made me out to be. (they consistently tell people how i'm doing, why I do things, or what I'm thinking without my actual opinion or feelings anyway so this really should have been no surprise) It should have been the least impactful thing she said, but it wasn't. She told me I was happy. She said I was happy. Said it right to my face like it was the whole truth and nothing but the truth. She said it wasn't fair to them that I was happy, because they had jobs and I don't. And I get that. I get it, I really do. But I haven't been happy for years. I've been suicidal for years. haven't had close relationships, platonic or otherwise, for years. I haven't wanted or desired or wished for anything but death for years. I get the context clues okay? my parents had me young. They ignored me and my brother as children in favor of drinking, smoking weed, and playing video games. Heck, they wanted nothing to do with me until they learned I could draw, and even then, they only wanted to see my art, and use me to show off to my family members, not talk to me or anything. And this whole time, I never realized. Why was I unhappy? It's because I didn't deserve to be happy of course! It wasn't fair to my parents! I understand completely now! It's not fair to them that they were forced to live with, raise, or even look at me! I did this to them, and god I really am horrible for that aren't I? I mean I can't even get a callback! Can't even support myself. Can't do anything right. Could never do anything right no matter how hard I try.

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