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I need help. Like serious help. This may sound stupid, and like some whiney teenage brat who isn't ready to grow up, I know because I see myself that way, but I can't make it stop no matter what I do. I have always been scared to leave my house. even to places I knew well, or with people I knew well, so often I would confine myself to my room. (which I was also afraid of leaving while in my house) Going to school was hell and just being in close proximity with others, not being able to get away from them, and confined with them all day drove me to think about constantly, and even try killing myself on multiple occasions. I couldn't sleep. I would lie awake until my alarm clock went off, and numbly get dressed before I trudged off to school. I wouldn't eat while at school either, and would wait the whole day till I got home, oftentimes not even eating breakfast. I would feel scared and alone even when my friends were next to me. Sitting down next to people was hell. I often stood while my friends sat down to eat or talk, and I still don't know why I do that. But that is in the past, because I graduated. But now I face a new problem; getting a job. I need to get a job, but i'm so scared of every place I go, and everywhere I go is always crowded, and working online hasn't worked out for me. I'm worried I'll go back to being constantly upset and not being able to remember my day to day life when I get a job. (school was a constant sad blur of anxiousness and depression I couldn't remember very well) I know i'll kill myself if I get a job and everything goes back to how it was before. I just want to feel okay. I know I sound stupid complaining to the internet, but I can't go to my parents about this because they are very ignorant. I told my dad when I was 15-16ish that I had sleeping problems and might need to see a doctor, and his solution was constantly yelling and berating me, telling me I couldn't sleep because I was on the computer, or that if I had sleeping problems, he must have it so much worse, and I was just exaggerating for attention. I figured out one day that if I napped after school, I could actually sleep better, and feel calmer, rather than sleeping at 10 or something. He didn't know about this, and never bothered me until I let it slip that I started napping, and it made me feel better. Then he went from 0-100. He would get upset and yell at me about how it was because I slept during the day that I couldn't sleep at night, and he would loudly knock on my door sometimes during the day and ask angrily if I was sleeping after that. Basically, he ruined the one thing that made me feel better. I still can't nap without feeling guilty. I never told him about my depression because of this, and I was ashamed. He's told me more than once that he thinks suicidal people are cowards, and that they're just stupid, even going so far as to say that my family members who talk about their depression openly, were stupid and attention seeking w*****. Let me get this clear. I was a model student, and child. Never spoke back, never acted out, never got into trouble, good grades, but after so long of trying to hold on and stay strong I was losing my grip, and my grades fell, and that made things so much worse, and I was barely hanging on. To my social life, my family life, and my literal life. I don't want to get a job and have the same thing happen again, but I need to be financially independent to the point where I can get away and hopefully live alone where I can get medical treatment for these horrible, mind dissolving thoughts. I have been trying to get a job, and my dad is getting progressively angrier that it's taking so long. I feel like a wasted life. I feel like a bad daughter, and an even worse human. If anyone has any information, or helpful tips that aren't "just don't be afraid" I would be so grateful if you could tell me. I could really use the information. It's five am and I can't sleep.