Family I live with invited lots of friends and family for Christmas. For the past week, I was having a major breakdown and feeling very anxious and depressed in general and felt that way during Christmas day. I just couldn't handle anything more than 10 - 15 minutes of socialization at a time. Suffice to say, not only was I bad company and just could not muster up any excitement or expressions of happiness, I would just leave after a few minutes of stilted conversation and go hibernate in my room all by myself.
I can tell that my behavior really insulted the woman who has treated me like a daughter by letting me stay in her house, with her family all for free while I got my life in order. What makes me sure that I am not overreacting is that a few weeks ago, she was talking about a person she hates and the crux of her dislike is that she felt used by them because the person would do stuff like get their Christmas gifts from her and then leave a few minutes later without sticking around for conversation (essentially what I did...)
I have mentioned to her in the past that I had depression (though in reality, I still do) and the response I had gotten back from her back then that depression and anxiety is complete bullshit and that people who can't handle life are just not determined/strong enough. I am okay with her not being understanding of depression/anxiety because she is always there for me in all the other ways I need (will always listen to me, makes sure I eat regularly, lets me a live a wonderful and independently while I finish up with school, etc)
I just feel like an utter failure and a complete disappointment and so utterly humiliated that I acted like that on Christmas day...I knew how important it was for this person to have all the people she loved there and hanging out together but I just acted like a stranger in front of all these people I have personally met, like and am liked by. I am not sure how I would even apologize for something like this.
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Hey I know about forcing smiles and sitting in a room you want to run from. I'm 700 miles from home at my in-laws house with 17 other people. My body aches from the tension that I've been exerting. Go to the person who you feel you've insulted and tell them that you're sorry then explain that you were filled with terror. You will need to explain this to them because more likely than not you will have your post holiday crash in the next few days if you aren't already. You'll feel tired and depressed this is normal and rest is good medicine but you can't let the crash consume you. I hope you have a wonderful new year and patch things up as soon as possible. She'll understand and will likely offer to help you get through this.